Blog 1:

My boyfriend. We went to see the film The Holiday the other day and it was brilliant. There’s a woman in it that says this line; “I want a bit of corny in my life!” I think that’s very much like me- I am quite a dreamer and a romantic at heart, I just hide it well underneath opinions and cynicism but I realised after it that I am very lucky. I think it is way too easy to be complacent but I am very blessed. I have a wonderful man who is a genuinely good man. I realised that, for now at least, I have everything I need and everything I want.


Blog 2:

Community. Everyone was commenting on Christmas and what it means and I missed the band wagon but in oxford st. with my girlies the other day after being with them at queen’s I recognised the power Christmas has to bring people together. I love that about Christmas- we come together as a community and I love that feeling.

Blog 3:

'Take a closer walk with me'

Words that spoke to my heart on so many levels...

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know How to say How I feel Those three words Are said too much They're not enough If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

from Snow Patrol

My blog has been so screwed up. I'm on a different computer now but on mine i can't post. It says that it cant display the page and that it isnt connected to blogger.com...can anyone help?!

This is a very honest post. I found these lyrics:

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

lyrics by anna nalick

Dont panic- i'm not having a big emotional break down or anything, its the first part that caught me. 'Thinking about calling on Jesus'. I think thats my problem- i don't. i am in the process of writing my own doctrines- or i was before finishing uni for christmas. some of you are probably thinking- What?! but i needed to write my own- a list of the things i believe to be true. As a pluralist (again, i hear another gasp) and a person interested in spiritulity, i think that there is more to God then what we know and the way the Bible interprets it- or more the way we interpret the Bible. I am trying to write a deep theological statement on the rights or wrongs of religous pluarlism, biblical interpretation or cherry picking faith. But the truth is, i have made it my life to try and debate God, but how much do i even bother to talk to Him? very little. not because i find it hard but because i cant be bothered. i know its beneficial, i know it means alot, i know it would make my spiritual life better, but recently i just havent bothered. i think part of the problem is that i have opened my mind to the idea of God so much- being so big- that i have lost the personal. i'm not on the brink of a crisis- and whether you agree with my spirituality or not- please believe me when i say that. i'm not looking for a solution because i know what i have to do- just put in a bit of effort. it just feels like hard work to being with. I want to know God so much, i really do, i ache to understand him and have others get what i see God to be- but it just takes so much darned effort. looks like i have some catching up to do!

I have just handed in 7 of the 8 essays that are due this semester. i have one more to go but i got an extension on that one so its ok. i have just had a lovely dinner with some friends of mine and it got me thinking about what i have gained from being at university.

I suppose i should first mention the education, which was mainly the reason i came to university. i have learnt an incredible lot- but i think more, i have learnt how to approach the information. i think when studying theology, maybe more so than other subjects, its not about what you learn but how you handle it. I am, always have been and always will be, an opinionated person. i make no apoligies for that, but i do apoligise for the way i share them sometimes. i realise that i can be overly aggressive and i'm dealing with it. i have learnt that when it comes to God, ethics, morality, the bible (add what you wish) that noone thinks the same but what's important is the journey's people go through to get to those opinions. no one has a thought without context or bias. it all means something more and reflects something deeper. some things i will never agree with you on, some things you will never see eye to eye with me, but i appreciate the time you give me to share them, to mull over them and to contradict them again at another time.

Secondly, i have gained incredible friendships with people from completely different walks of life and lifestyles who i would never have become friends with otherwise. And i am truly grateful for all of them. They are what gets me through this uni life- which can often be stressful and sometimes lonely. My housemates are complete gems who i could never live without. i am sure i annoy them sometimes as they annoy me but we know how to get over it and make each other laugh. when to hug and when to run away. living with other people has taught me alot about compromise and being a bit sensitive. uni would not be the same without these people.

Uni has taught me that i can stand up on my own two feet. that i can go some other place where i am completely on my own and make friends and sign contracts and pay bills and do shopping and write essays and handle debates and cook chicken and all those other things. i challenged myself when i began uni that if all i left with was a degree then i had failed because its not just about that. its about so much more. as of friday i am halfway through and that is soo scary!!! i'm almost grown up. But i am soo glad i've done it or doing it. its scary but its worth it!

i'm home this weekend and i went to church which is so nice. i dont go to church when i'm at uni if i'm honest. i tried a few but nowhere seemed to fit- maybe i just never gave them enough time. its nice to come home and feel part of a community again- that's what i miss most. but, this past week i have discovered that loadsa people from my church have got blogs! (hello there!!) its so nice to know that we have a little blogging community going on. i ask that you all keep me accountable in some form or another to being true to myself and my God, and if i write that the worlds falling apart give me a cyberslap and i'll move on. its nice to know that even when im away i'm can still be part of it , knowing whats going on.

I realise now that that probably wouldnt work cos i'm not feeling that happy today. i just did an assessed group presentation and it went so crap. so thats 17.5% of my mark down the drain. maybe i'm just being pessimistic. i read a book once that described depression and loneliness as people that followed you around, they went to your work, ate your food followed you home and slept in your bed. i would like to add another- meloncholy. since i found out my grandpa died last week i just feel meloncholy following me around a bit. everythings muted, like watching a film on a dodgy t.v. i'm sure he'll go as quickly as he came. He'll get bored and move on to his next victim, i wish them luck in shaking him off.

Those of you who know me well enough will understand that i am always annoyed. constantly. there is always something out there somewhere that gets right up my nose. i would be foolish to believe that this is always a good thing, negitivity is not a blessing, but i do believe that maybe God has granted me the dispostition of righteous anger that others maybe just dont have the guts for. Today i am really annoyed but i dont fully understand what it is i'm annoyed at. So i shall begin rambling and i'll get somewhere eventually. I'm annoyed that people of faith rarely truely believe in anything(stark generalisation. i apoligise) i'm annoyed that we are taught that healing is an 'emotional thing' in this day and age rather than anyone ever actually sticking their neck out. I'm annoyed that people feel they need to somehow prove that God exists, or that they are right or that their faith is valid or that they need to understand. and i'm annoyed completely hyprocritically cos i get why people do all at the same time. i wish there was more of God and less of him all at the same time. i wish there was more of GOD truly- more of his passion, love, kindness compassion, amazing all fulfilling spirit- i wish that was everywhere, tangible, in the air so much you could taste it. i so wish that. but i also wish there was less of the god who people make out he is. i wish there was less of this 'religious nonsense'- the arguements, the dogma, the institions. the violence and bigamy all in the name of something that they dont even understand. i'm annoyed at God that he lets this stuff happen that he lets people get away with rubbishing his name- but part of me gets why he needs to as well. because then, everytime someone does get it, someone does understand, he can truly smile. cos they found him despite all the crap. my ranting is over. i'll move own to being annoyed about something else now.

On saturday i went on a trip to a Hindu Temple in Hemel Hempstead. Its was really cool- and for all those that are interested it was given to them by George Harrison, the Beatle. But anyhow, its was really nice. We went to see their worship, Darshan (well its said like that i doubt thats how its spelt) and we met the people, a few Hindu monks, and they fed us and taught us a bit about what it means to be a Hare Krishna etc etc. I did enjoy myself and the people were lovely but there were elements i struggle with. Take for example Darshan. Darshan is the daily worship in which Hindu's come to the temple to 'see and be seen by God'. That idea i really loved when i heard it, but in practice what it seemed to me to be was a bunch of people looking at a statue. They come round with certain elements as symbols such as fire and water and a flower and offer them to you as an acceptance of the blessings God has for you- that i loved too. The principles of Hinduism really struck me; they strive to respect people and the environment, to consider the consequences of their actions, to see God in everyone and everything and be grateful for that. To use what you have to honour the God who gave it to you- the unlimited, unimaginable, loving God. But in practice it lost its appeal to me. Everythng becomes literal. They worship a statue as the vessel of God ( i have a very limited understanding that therefore if i am wrong pls correct me and take no ofence) and so they treat it like a person, they wake the statue up in the morning, dress it in different clothes, offer it food and drink and close the curtains to put it to bed. i didnt get why that was needed. in a religion in which the principle seem all empowering, to me, the practice seemed to complicate the matter. But it got me thinking about me and my understand of God- do i complicate the matter in order to understand it? have i lost the principle- Love the lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind and love others as you love youself.

just thought i'd let you know that i'm reading this book, again. i think it is great. its all about this womens journey through life and her search for spirituality. it made me question whether or not i really search for God. i do not make the effort. that is a fact. i want to and i wish i was someone who did- which in itself is such a stupid thing to say. i make who i am and i allow myself to be lazy in my quest to find truth. 1 Cor 3:18 says, in a becky paraphase, that we should look into a mirror and see Christ smiling back. That we should be so intune with God that we see him in us, and in turn everywhere. I find it difficult studying the ways that so many people use to 'commune with the divine', so many hard, disciplined and spiritual people strive every day to do something that i take for granted and someone forget is a priviledge. i forget that there is so much of God, i take no time to revel in him and in all that he is. i think thats the problem, i take no time to revel in God, and when GOd is soo awesome, why the hell dont i?! when the people i admire are the people who shine with Godliness, why do i settle for being smudged and dim. i know that God has so much to offer me, i truly need to grasp that. in this book i am reading this women travels all over the world to truly experience God- would i even travel down the road?! i petition God to inspire me and i ask all you to sign it in prayer.

Just thought i'd ask for a favour. My grandpa isnt very well at all at the moment and i wanted to ask for your prayers. Thats bout it really. Thanks

Just to let you all know that i am back at university! woo! And i am living in my own house with my friends Emily and Keasha. Its all very exciting. At first i didnt want to leave my room, i was so used to the halls uni experience i felt a bit guilty for having lots of space but no more! i love it. I will also let you know that i dont have internet in my house so i may be a bit slow with the posting- well i have more of an excuse to be slow now anyway. Oh, does anyone know how to work this blogger beta thing- i want to have a links bit on my template but i dont know how to do it or if i can?! Help!! I have no long and deep theological thoughts at the moment but give me time. i have only had 1 lecture and my brain turned to mush. Biblical interpretation methods in relation to the johannie community! er..what?!! never mind. i'll get there in the end.

I Hate Work! Work is rubbish. i am so bored of working it is unbelievable! i Hate it! i want to have a holiday. moan moan moan blah blah blah. Sorry for the lack of intellectual stimulation in this blog. my brain has turned to mush- being a dogsbody for 3 and a half months has made me stupid! urgh!

i struggle alot. self inflicted struggle. struggle that comes from big ideals, big ambitions but lack of actually gettin of my (excuse my french) arse and actually doing anything. i know this, i admit this to myself but still i dont change. And i always manage to find an excuse, always the same- i dont know what to do. i dont know where i'm meant to be. i need someone to tell me the way and i'll go and do. is it true or am i just debiliated with fear at the idea of what i could achieve? like nelson mandela said, it is our light that frightens us.
point 2, i really don't know what i am passionate enough about to want to do anything. i am a passionate person. i get involved and i get annoyed and i get dismayed at so many things. i am passionate about everything, so nothing in particular sticks out. i'm passionate about injustice but i just dont think anything will change. i'm passionate about the fact that there is a generation, more women i feel, without self respect, self worth and dignity, who go by day to day expecting someone else to give them the confidence they need without ever realising that they are wonderful the way they are. i am passionate about the fact that everyday people who are different in any shape or form are marginalised or ignored. the world doesnt know how to deal with it or who to blame and so the buck stops with 'the other'. i am passionate that knowledge is the key to the solutions, that knowledge in so many senses of the word. i am passionate about the fact that God is GOD and that blows my mind. but with all that, where do you go and what do you do?

"The Salvation Army has become the jack of all trades but the master of none." Discuss

But tell me how?! The issue is not our capability but our passion. And lack of passion is not always due to lack of caring, compassion or willingness, its just lack of knowing how and lack of encouragement. To become a church that doesnt all those things brilliant inspirational churches are doing we need to become a brilliant inspiration people. Yet, everyone stands on a platform and tells us what we are meant to be without ever praising us for what we are! We have; we were created with the capacity to achieve greatness, but behind every great acheiver is a great support network. We won't achieve this overnight; this ideal of discipleship and we weren't all meant to be the same. The problem is, in my opinion, that there is a lack of opportunity for growth in churches, finding a place and a job. But then it all comes in swings and roundabouts because who's job is it to find us a place; ours or our leaders? If its ours then how do we go about doing this? if it theres well then who says they know what we're meant to be doing anyway?! its all so confusing. i love theology- the endless questions with no answers. but when it comes to practical christain living, i hate the fact that there isnt just an answer and noone really can tell us what to do directly- one word answers straight to the point- the bible is our guidebook, and without tryin to be blasphemous or offensive, it can sometimes read a bit vague!! if i am wrong and someone , anyone reading this knows my purpose and the job i'm meant to be doing i'd be awfully grateful if you could let me know! thanks!

i have had to pay to have my eyes tested today for the first time ever. and the only reason why i had to pay is because nobody told me i had to have a form, which is very simple to fill in and i can now send off my reciept with my form and get it paid back. i'm not really that bothered to be honest but it just seems like so much hassle. and, in being at the opticians i got talking about glasses and lenses and that and did you know, that the lenses on their own, without the frames can cos £125!! what!! it seems such a rip off-people need to see. and all these companies are making hundreds of pounds in profit over a vital piece of equipment. i swear, soon people will bottle the earths oxygen and charge us to breathe. Also, i'm sorry to ruin the cheery mood i have here but i saw something the other day that made me want to cry. free chlamidiya testing at boots and ADVERTS for the morning after pill on the radio! what does that say about us? about our life and our morals when high street stores are giving out std tests with their meal deals and you can be informed of the choice of morning after pills whilst listening to breakfast radio. isn't that just so sad. oh dear. its all gone horribly wrong.

About 1 in 10 sexually active young people have chlamydia.

The proportion of women obtaining the ’morning after pill’ from increased from 21 per cent in 2001/02 to 38 per cent in 2003/04. Over the same period, the proportion of women experiencing problems obtaining the ’morning after pill’ fell from 13 per cent to four per cent.

Since 1995, there has been a sustained increase in diagnoses of most Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) in the UK, and reports of two of the most common STDs have shown massive rises. Cases of uncomplicated gonorrhoea increased by 111% between 1995 and 2004, while genital chlamydia increased by 223%.

One of every 3 girls has had sex by age 16 and 2 out of 3 by age 18. Two of 3 boys have had sex by age 18.

why? why do you listen to them?

when i told you that you're worth so much to me that i'd kill my only son for you, why listen?

i havent blogged for a little while and i havent actually done much. well, i lie. i have done 2 exams, finished my first year at uni and moved out of halls and spent a weekend in portugal. The latter was very fun and hot, the first was slight sad- 3 and a half months till i'm back with all my friendly's again but never mind. i'm working all summer to keep me busy. but anyway, amongst all this nothingness stuff i have had 2 deep insights. i know, i here you oooo-ing in my general direction. Firstly, i was watchin E.R. great programme. unless you dont watch it, i'll fill you in on a guy called Carter- who has, for the last few series actually been spending most of his life in different parts of Africa doing charity medical work etc. it strikes me that the writers of this programme are trying to make a point. tryin to show us that something can and should be done. but this is what i thought- please go with me. 'i dont understand why all this stuff happens. i dont understand how people live in such extreme poverty. but maybe i'm not meant to. maybe there aren't any answers. maybe i'm aksin the wrong questions. maybe i'm spending too much time asking and answering that i am failing to do what is actually needed- action!'. i do nothing. and its shameful. i know what needs to be done, and me of all people (my dad works for emergency and disaster releif) should know that ordinary peopl can and should make a difference. but i dont. and its selfish. and the reason i dont is laziness. because it all seems like too much effort for reward that in reality i will never see or feel. i want to help, no, more i want to know i've helped but it actually means gettin off my arse and doin it rather than questioning it. i am determined to act.
my second insight: everything, absolutely everthing i have seen recently (ie problems in society, relationships, the universe!) are due to lack of self respect. self respect leads people to slef worth therefore in valuing themselves they teach others that they are of value. if people valued themselves we would have no abusive relationships, no people forced into sitations they dont like so they end up 'freeing' themselves with drugs and alcohol, we would have no petty crimes and vandalism. people would want to achieve somethin with their lives because they deserve to achieve something with their lives. i am going to work hard and do the best i can do because i owe it to myself to do that. if everything had that same self respect the world would be a better place. wot you think?

So, i've had a very eventful weekend. i went away to Roots with the Sally Army and it was very cool. i shall explain, follow me...

We, we being Rachel, Chris, Paul and myself, travelled for 7 hours(!!!) in Rachel's car to get to Southport. By the time we arrived i was gettin slightly stressed because i hate to be late and it was 6 o'clock and we still were'nt registered at our accomodation! urgh! But after all the faffing around we ended up at the BIG Top- which is, as the name suggests, very big. and full of people and we were all worshipping and singing and shouting our praises to God and it was amazing. love that. i love being surrounded by people as far as you can see all worshipping God- it does my heart good, as my mum would say. So, that was Friday, and Saturday and Sunday and Monday were much the same. ( you may be able to decipher at this point that i have realised that informing you of everything will take a very long time so yeah, i'm not doing that anymore) In the mornings we went to see Jeff Lucas lead us in a Bible study which was brilliant. He's a very funny man, which makes it easier to listen but he also has been blessed with a great insight into the Word so i learnt a lot. In the afternoons we went to the fun fair- twice. Well, the second time me and rach left to go home and have a snooze because it was flipping cold!!! There was one thing which i heard that i want to tell you about. on the sunday night, a lady called Danielle Strickland spoke and she was very encouraging. Her message was made of many parts and she said many things which struck my heart, but at most it was this " Humility is believing you are who God says you are". that struck me, personally i think, because i spend so much time trying to pretend that i'm not this or that, for example, that i'm not a natural leader, that i'm not interested in the Bible, that i dont know anything about the Word, pretending that i dont really have an opinion, when i do. a Big one. I just dont want anyone else to think that i'm being arrogant being open about the gifts i have. there are many gifts i dont have and many things i wish i could do that i cant and i spend more time telling people that than being open about what i can do- just in case i offend. i cant be anyone but who i am. and i am not ashamed of who i am. so thats it. i am not longer going to pretend that i dont know anything, that i dont have the ability to lead and that i dont have the gifts that i have so graciously be given. BECAUSE I DO!



oh, ps. about that whole meditating/prayer thing i wrote about before. i'm not doing brilliantly. i have started meditating- not as often i as would like but i forget. i focus on a sanskirt word which means 'that within that' kind of like, which i take to mean God within me- a divine dwelling. i dont think my mother likes it though. She's under the impression that if its not directly Biblical then it could become demonic. i disagree, cos God's God isnt he? And being prostate in prayer- i havent actually tried it yet because i always pray in bed and so by the time i get in bed and then think- oh no, supposed to be on the floor, im just to comfy. i will though- even if only once. i will.

this weekend i went away with the army to a Discovery Weekend. basically, a group of young adults from around london north east army met up to be led and taught about how to discover our purpose. to be honest, i found it rather frustrating. it was a great weekend. i enjoyed the teaching and more, the fellowship. i think i made some really positive relationship, but when it comes to discovering my purpose i want to go urgh!! what have i been tryin to do for the last 3 years!! please dont misunderstand me, i appreaciate the time and effort people invest in me to help me, but i just wish that if someone knew, they would sit down and tell me what to do. i'm not getting very far trying to discover it on my own. i know that thats the whole point. its a journey, its about getting there on your own- but how long does that take? i trust God. i know that there is a plan. i know that i'm going the right way- i just wish i knew where that was. i think i'm my own worst enemy. i think. alot. i start a log flume of thoughts and if i dont like where its heading i cant just stop and get off. i have to go with it. i got wondering if there is anything left to do. are all the resources used up now. is it all just the same method. flogging a dead horse. but then again, the message has been the same for 2000 years- whats wrong with things being the same. but then, where do i fit. if i'm made to be unique to have an individual relationship with God then surely i should push some boundaries. but i feel like the world is an arena surrounding me. the boundaries are set. the land's been used up. theres no where left to go. but maybe thats the point, its about new men not new methods. you see why i have a confused face?!?! i dont know. i'll get there some day.. the splash that marks the end of the track. the final discovery. drenched with potential.

i bought two of Nichole Nordeman's albumns today; Wide Eyed and Brave. Her songs are so intelligently written and envoke so much. They have meaning and intent not just musicality.

But anyway, in the words of Nichole, here is me, today. Split personality.

Thanks

Hello, Mr. Darkcloud
Never thought that we would meet so soon
Never thought I'd bundle up in June
Funny how the fog rolls
Funnier that I'd know who to blame
Never thought I'd have to own this pain
If all that's good and true comes from heaven
Then what's a girl to do when it rains?

Chorus
And I'm sayin Why, why, why, why?
I'm shakin a fist in the dark, and Im askin
Why, why, why, why?
Why does it keep getting harder
To say thanks? Tell me what's a girl to do...

Even fields of flowers
Dressing in their best because of You
Knowing they are blessed to be in bloom
But what about November
When the air is cold and wet winds blow
Do they understand why they cant grow?

And I could not pretend to know the difference
Between the storms You send and those I find

Anyway

Bless the day
This restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I'm starting to see me finally

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michael angelo
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway

You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness you meant for me
So I polish and shine
til it's easier to find even an outline of mine

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
Anyway
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway

i'm tired of struggling to make things work. i'm tired of being the one who always apoligises. i'm tired of being the one the one that has to forget it and move on. i'm tired of being the one who's ignored. i'm tired of being the one who isn't valued and is made to feel crap and tired to being the one its ok to do that to. i'm sick and tired of being walked over and i'm sick and tired. sometimes you have to realise that fighting wont get you anywhere and just walk away. power. power games hurt and damage. just remove yourself. take yourself away from it. no one can play games with you if your not in the same court.

i have decided that i am lackin spiritual enlightenment. there are so many paths of spirituality and i know and have experienced so few. i wish i could just travel the globe to see and experience everything! i want to KNOW God, not intellectually but in a way of wisdom, so my blood is alive with Him. Always. not a quick fix one week spirituality course. i want to align my character so people cannot see where i end and God begins. i want spiritual depth. i hunger for spiritual depths. i find myself ashamed at how much i judge myself by worldly standards or fail to see opportunities for what they are. i get trapped by the mundane and miss the eternal. i crave to know more but i just dont know where to start. but i have decided upon two disciplines which i am going to master- meditation and prostrate in prayer. i want to experience a light which shines when i dont even realise it. i want to glow eternally.

its been an awful long time since i blogged and so i suppose i should have alot of share but i'm afraid that i dont actually. So, since i have last written it has been my birthday and i have left university for the Easter holidays. Firstly, birthday-ness. it was my birthday on the 30th and i was still at uni and mum and dad came down to stay and take me home. it felt really wierd, it didn't feel like my birthday. it felt like a day with random presents but that was cool. then on the friday i went shopping!! woo! i have never spent so much money in one go but i got a few nice outfits and accessories and such like and that was nice. it feels good to get stuff, which probably is a spiritual down fall or something but never mind. i can't lie. Since then i have been at home. In the evenings i have been doing very little, during the day i have been at work. i work in the tea rooms of Hadleigh Training Centre which is cool. that has been good but because i have been working i haven't got the essays done that i wanted to and that gets me slightly stressed but i'm getting there so its ok. i haven't read my bible as much since i've been home but i still have and i still feel like the lines of communication are open so thats cool. what i have done that is interested though is read. i have read, or am reading 2 books. Firstly, my sister's keeper. absolutely flipping marvelous! about a young girl, scientifically modified in the womb to be a bone marrow donor for her sister, who after years of donation decides to sue her parents for her own body. it sounds silly and yoou are probably thinking, what can you get from reading that?! but it really made me think about young people. about how much they care. about how resisiant we are when we don't even realise it. we need to be like that. we need to love people, despite our fear. we will bounce back. we were made resiliant! the second i have only just started reading; eat, pray, love. it is about a women's search for spiriutual enlightenment. it makes me jealous. my addictive emotion so i am going to try and distance myself. i realise my jealousy only ever leads me to self doubt, but anyway. this women ends up on such a journey, literally around the world, to discover her spirituality. i wish i could do that. i wish i could discover the depths of my belief. experience every kind of prayer and kind of spirituality. but i know i could do that forever and end up not meeting anyone, not affected anyone. being a wasted ranch in God's tool box. i don't want that. i want to be useful. i still wished i knew what i was meant to be doing usefully though! never mind. all in good time my friend. all in good time.

normal, i think. i went home this weekend and i realised how blessed i am to have the family and friends that i do. i rang my friend jude and she came round and spent a night at mine, which was very fun! and i went to my church in romford. it was good. there's a lot about romford which isn't perfect and could do with changing, but you'll never have a perfect church until you have perfect people. it's the people that make the place, and i love the people there. no doubt about it; that is where i'm meant to be. things are moving forward and i can see that. i wish i played more of a part in that, but being at university in another part of the country is a bit of a hindrance. never mind, maybe one day. who knows what the plan is!

God works in mysterious ways! that's all i feel at the moment. simply glad that somewhere God has a plan. he spends his days laughing at my foolishness. but thats ok. his routing for me anyway. mysterious man indeed.

i know i've said it before, but i shall say it again. its nice to have friends; to feel as though you have made a connect with somebody. the last few days i've had have been really positive, and all because of the experiences i've had with people. i feel like i've made some really good connections here. i don't want to lose that. i feel truly blessed. i know true friendships aren't based upon one conversation but a lifetime of experiences, but they all have to start with something. i just hope that people feel the same way. i hope people go away feeling they have gained positivity from me, feeling like we've made a connection. i'm starting to think negatively now... but i shall challenge illogical thoughts! people wouldn't talk to me and spend time in conversation with me unless they wanted to talk to me! that would be illogical! i just have to trust in myself. people do like me for me and thats nice. as someone i would count a friend said to me today, you were created an original, dont die a copy!

well i've had a really good week after last weeks turmoil. i have decided to think positively- to make a choice to dispel negtive thoughts and challenge illogical ones! i bought myself a new bible which i've been reading and i have found it really helpful to be able to study the word. not just read it. when i can wrestle with it intellectually and see how it truly applies, it makes reading it a much more enjoyable experience. something i want to do rather than something i feel i should do. i have realised that sometimes one sentence that could easily go unnoticed makes all the difference if you really look at it. i've got quite alot of work done as well which helps me to feel less useless. i have realised that time is precious. the more i sit around acheiving very little, the more purposeless i feel. i must keep busy and active. making my moments count.
i have also had a very cool day in london! see above. last saturday i went for a trip to see all the things you usually dont see! i went to Buckingham palace, big ben, leceister sq, covent garden, st pauls and the tate modern!! which i have to say i thought was a load of rubbish. i did see a few pieces which i thought were plesant to look at but hardly anything struck me as being particulary artistic. its silly. but i suppose its not my opinion that counts. "art" will continue!

its late and its been an emotional exhausting day in a way. i have realised that i am very screwed up in a lot of ways but that i also have a lot of people that care, so i can't be that bad really!
i have discovered (and i am saying this because i do not think i am the only one and i'm sure someone will relate) that criticising and undervaluing oneself, is an addictive self harm. one that i am far to aware of. i think it becomes to easy to compare yourself with someone else and to dwell on the faults and cracks that you find in your personality. it becomes an addiction, a complusion, a self harm technique that you know is wrong but you just can't help but push further. it absorbs you, until there is nothing left of you except what you hope and feel you are expected to be. i think i got to that stage.
but now i have spoken to my good friend, label her K, and she has told me that its ok. i feel that now my little obsession is out in the open i can be released of it. i don't have to worry- someone else can worry for me. i don't need to bother to be paranoid and i don't need to compare myself, and even though i still will, someone will be there to say "no, stop that, you don't need to do that beck"
i am realistic, i know that rome wasn't built in a day. i know that overnight i won't become a super confident woman with no insecurities. i won't not compare myself to someone else tomorrow. i won't not say something and worry that i sounded rude/stupid/arrogant/selfish/attention seeking/morbid or mean. it just won't happen. but i'll do it, and i'll think it and then i'll see K and she'll just say, what you worrying about, i love you and then i'll ring chris and he'll say, you don't need to be someone else, i love you. and i may just feel special enough to be me. and that'll be good.

i found a song today that explains everything that i have been feeling. nichole nordeman is a woman who has written many a word that seemd to come directly from my soul and this song is no different.. what if..

i have to admit that recently i have been listening to alot of christian music and it has helped. i think even in a subliminal way my attitudes have changed when i didnt even think i was listening. i think i just need to trust... the truth is i can't be sure i'm right, i can't be sure that others are wrong. i just don't know. but i have felt God and i have felt love, and i do trust that. and never mind if thats my God or 'theres'. it was God, and to him i give praise, whether he is who i expect or not. if he loves me, then i'll be ok. of that i am sure, he loves me.

i'm missing home a little today. i haven't been to the army this morning, i just haven't made any connections there. i realise now why church communities are so vitally important; without them it's hard to keep motivated. i have so much work that i need to do today and get on with. i'm kind of disappointed with myself, i think i am going to get rubbish marks this semester. i know it's my own fault, i haven't made the effort but nothing has really interested me to be honest and so i find it hard to keep my concentration. plus, i really am not sure about how to start or present a "case study" so i think i'm a bit screwed. I still have lots of time, like 6 weeks so lets just hope i get it done ok. no panicking, lots of working.

i've been reading the blogs of some people i know and they all seem to be very smart and deep and they use long and intellectual words to explain themselves and i feel stupid. again, i raise the point to myself that comparison only ever leads to devaluing oneself. but i can't help it. i am a complusive compare-er.

but then i read this:

i was sitting on the bus thinking through my predicament and getting annoyed, once again, by the damn fundamentalism of some people. no, not even fundamentalsim, that entails so much more. the ignorance of people who refuse to understand the beliefs of other people for its own merits. these are the people who are more than willing to pick apart and dismiss the seeming flaws of other faiths yet would by no means do so to their own. its hypocrisy disguised as fundamentalism!

anyway, getting back to the issue at hand- it is this very distain for "fundamentalism" that has led me into this situation. i thought that i was very prepared for doing this degree. i knew that no one could make me think that there was no God. i thought i was safe. but now i'm faced with the issue, what if there is a God, but we're worshipping the "wrong one"? what if "they" got it right and we are the ones dragging behind? i have always been pluralistic in my thinking and the idea that those of other faiths got into my idea of heaven was always fine by me, but what happens if its not "them" getting let in with me, but me being let in with "them"! if you think about that for too long it turns your head inside out.

i am as sure now as i have always been that there is a God, but i find myself unsure as to whether Christianity has got it right. therein is where the problems lies.

to anyone who has or will ever read this blog, this is an apology. i have just spent time looking over my last blogs and they are melodramatic drivel. i cant promise that i will never write melodramatic drivel again, but i can assure you, that like you, i am disgusted.

So, now at the end of the day and feeling a bit better. I feel like i'm getting there. I dont feel perfect about things but i'm never going to feel perfect all the time. I'm traveling the twin peaks of sucess and sorrow- but i can handle that. It'll be ok.

"Human kindness is overflowing, but i think its going to rain today."

I dnt know who im meant to be anymore. Im lost. I keep looking at other people and I see their passion and drive and I wonder what I am compared to them and who really cares. You see theres been times in my life where I know I could’ve and should have done it differently but I cant change them now but I wonder, if I could would i? if I could go back to that day nearly 3 years ago would everything have changed. Would I be better or would I just be sat somewhere else worrying about exactly the same thing. I used to think I was intelligent and I used to think that mattered, that it made me special, gifted even. Now I wonder if I ever was or whether I was just arrogant. And I wonder if I miss it. If I still believed I had a gift, if I made the effort to truly know rather than blag it would I feel better? But again, its that word effort. Without promise that itll help I am unmotivated to try because will I still feel lost but also tired.

“Help me believe, ‘cause I don’t want to miss any miracles!”

I really dont know why I'm doing this and it is so stupid and all i'm going to do here is moan but i just want to be able to feel like someone has heard me. Does that make sense?

Me today moaning. Because I don’t know how I feel or how im meant to feel or why. I just know that there has to be something out there for me that’s not this. I know that there has to be a plan but I don’t know if im following. I feel like im suck in groundhog day where nothing new happens, nothing changes but I know it should. I feel like everything I do is purposeless because what I have in mind isn’t worth working for. There has to be more than this- there just has to be. I just wish I knew what. I feel like there needs to be a change but I dnt know how to and to be honest I dnt know if I can be bothered to make the effort. It all seems too hard for too little reward. I know that’s a selfish thing to say when it comes to salvation but that’s how I feel. I know that I grind myself down comparing myself to everyone else and what they’re doing and I am not and will never be them- but if they can do it why cant I. why aren’t i?! it all seems like a let down. A giant let down. And whats worse is that I know im here because of me, because I had a chance to do something and I just walked away, because I had a chance to make myself purposeful and I let is slip me by because I couldn’t be bothered. I spend so much of my life being lazy that I’ve missed it. I’m missing my life as it goes by me because I’m lazy and now I’m complaining about it. What an excuse?! What an excuse!