I really dont know why I'm doing this and it is so stupid and all i'm going to do here is moan but i just want to be able to feel like someone has heard me. Does that make sense?

Me today moaning. Because I don’t know how I feel or how im meant to feel or why. I just know that there has to be something out there for me that’s not this. I know that there has to be a plan but I don’t know if im following. I feel like im suck in groundhog day where nothing new happens, nothing changes but I know it should. I feel like everything I do is purposeless because what I have in mind isn’t worth working for. There has to be more than this- there just has to be. I just wish I knew what. I feel like there needs to be a change but I dnt know how to and to be honest I dnt know if I can be bothered to make the effort. It all seems too hard for too little reward. I know that’s a selfish thing to say when it comes to salvation but that’s how I feel. I know that I grind myself down comparing myself to everyone else and what they’re doing and I am not and will never be them- but if they can do it why cant I. why aren’t i?! it all seems like a let down. A giant let down. And whats worse is that I know im here because of me, because I had a chance to do something and I just walked away, because I had a chance to make myself purposeful and I let is slip me by because I couldn’t be bothered. I spend so much of my life being lazy that I’ve missed it. I’m missing my life as it goes by me because I’m lazy and now I’m complaining about it. What an excuse?! What an excuse!