its late and its been an emotional exhausting day in a way. i have realised that i am very screwed up in a lot of ways but that i also have a lot of people that care, so i can't be that bad really!
i have discovered (and i am saying this because i do not think i am the only one and i'm sure someone will relate) that criticising and undervaluing oneself, is an addictive self harm. one that i am far to aware of. i think it becomes to easy to compare yourself with someone else and to dwell on the faults and cracks that you find in your personality. it becomes an addiction, a complusion, a self harm technique that you know is wrong but you just can't help but push further. it absorbs you, until there is nothing left of you except what you hope and feel you are expected to be. i think i got to that stage.
but now i have spoken to my good friend, label her K, and she has told me that its ok. i feel that now my little obsession is out in the open i can be released of it. i don't have to worry- someone else can worry for me. i don't need to bother to be paranoid and i don't need to compare myself, and even though i still will, someone will be there to say "no, stop that, you don't need to do that beck"
i am realistic, i know that rome wasn't built in a day. i know that overnight i won't become a super confident woman with no insecurities. i won't not compare myself to someone else tomorrow. i won't not say something and worry that i sounded rude/stupid/arrogant/selfish/attention seeking/morbid or mean. it just won't happen. but i'll do it, and i'll think it and then i'll see K and she'll just say, what you worrying about, i love you and then i'll ring chris and he'll say, you don't need to be someone else, i love you. and i may just feel special enough to be me. and that'll be good.