I hope you like the new layout. It is to go with the new year- my journey, if you will.

Please ignore the tabs, I am unsure as of how to get rid of them. Any ideas?

there is someone who I know who isn't around very much, but when I see them I always become very jealous. I am not going to mention names. And I know that jealousy is not a good thing- but I wonder if it is productive.

I am jealous because she appears to buzz off God and life and just being. She seems to genuinely seek Gods heart and she offers no apology for answering questions with 'Ask the man upstairs!'. It is not just that she is living the life that God wants for her- its that that fact shines from her.

(please be aware that what follows may seem to be compliment seeking self-pity. It is genuienely not!)

I worry that I am none of these things. It is what I so want for myself but have never achieved. Every year my resolution is to grow in my relationship with God and although think I do move forward- it just isn't...well, i dont buzz. This is not God's fault and I do not feel spiritually bereft. I just want more- but I never seem to put in more effort.

Whenever I see this person I promise myself that I will dedicate myself to prayer. That I will focus myself to make God central. Then the next day comes and its same old same old.

But again I make the same resolution, the same plea to myself- seek God's heart this year. Seek God's guidance each day. Seek His comfort first and not last. Seek his peace before and not as the last resort. Seek His strength to do that which I didn't think I could do, not just as a back up to that with which I think i'll do fine. Seek His gifts so that next year I will not come again to write about how I am unchanged.

I challenge myself to try. and maybe next time I see this friend, I will have no reason for jealousy- just for gratitude.

Life is a bit strange at the moment. I don't think anything can prepare you for your final year at university. There is a jump which is as daunting as it is different from starting university in the first place; contemplating finishing university. People who know me well understand that I like to have a plan. 'like' might not do justice to how much I rely upon my plans. I have a diary, a day wall planner. I have lists and post its. I have general ideas and I know how things are going to work out. I plan for eventuality's which may or may not happen- just in case. I don't think this is a bad thing- organisation cannot be a fault, can it?

I was talking to someone the other day. I was recalling a conversation I once had with my mum- she told me that she has known since I was tiny that if I was never scared I would never do anything. Fear is my motivator. I am scared of failure so I make sure I don't fail. I'm scared of getting lost so I always prepare for where I'm going etc etc. I know this about myself and I have never really thought it is a bad thing. Until the woman I was talking to turned around and said 'And you call yourself a woman of faith'.

I was a bit blown away. I had never really thought that my fear undermined my faith before. I mean, as scared as I am most of the time, I think if I didn't have faith I wouldn't be able to move for phobia's. She was sure that believing in God meant you had nothing to be afraid of- and maybe she is right to some degree. But now I am struggling.

I don't know what is going to happen next. My plans are not concrete and try as I might to work things through in my mind for every eventuality I am stuck. I do not know if I am going to be able to finish my degree as I wanted to. I do not know if I am going to be able to find a job. I do not know a lot of things about what is going to happen to me come June next year. I am clueless and no amount of buying post-its is going to help. I mean, I do have a little bit of a plan. If I didn't I would probably be dead. But it isnt as sorted as I would like it to be. And I wonder, is this an opportunity? Am I meant to leave this is God's hands and see where the cards fall? Does my terror at not knowing mean that I trust God any less to do that than I have at other points in my life?

God has never led me wrong. (Halleujah! (for Liz!) I believe that He knows more about me than I will ever know about myself. I just hope he knows that I don't want my fear to be an offence to Him. (But I still really would appreciate knowing!!)

I am wasting time sat in the library and I could be doing an essay if someone hadn't taken out every single book about the topic! urgh!

I was thinking today how grateful I am that Jesus doesn't use a computer. I am at the moment going through a graduate application process that is computerised. There are loads of online stages and computerised tests before you are lucky enough to get to the stage of actually meeting someone. I am holding out hope that I can be good at computerised tests for a few more weeks because I just keep telling myself, If I can meet these people, then I can show them that I can do this. If I can meet someone, I can tell them why I want this. If I get to chat to a real person I can explain what I am good at, what i need help with and why they really really really do want to employ me. But i have to jump through all these hoops before I get a shot at doing that, and in the process I am growing ever more doubtful that I will get that far. (but I can live in hope!)

It just makes me realise how great it is that I can meet jesus every day. That I dont have to jump through hoops and pass a test and then convince him that he wants me. He has met me, he wants me and I dont have to keep selling myself to him. I'm sold. I can meet with the real Jesus every day and tell him what I'm good at, what I need help with and hear him tell me that he really really really does want me. full stop.

Ok, so I’ve had a bit of a niggling issue of late.

I am annoyed by the call for ‘radical Christianity’. Let me explain why.

Nobody can define in a nice, succinct and actually useful way what radical is. It is just this feeling of living every day radically in tune with Christ and going wherever he calls us to go.

Problem one, that isn’t radical. That’s just Christianity.

People are looking towards the examples, biblical and otherwise, of radically Christians and wishing that they could emulate that faith and vision. Here comes problems number 2 and 3.

Problem 2, why are people trying to have the faith of someone else’s journey?

God’s calling for your life of faith is individual and unique- don’t undervalue your part and the piece God calls you for. And don’t think you are ‘better’ than being called to a ‘measly’ Christian in a ‘secular job’.
Sometimes I worry that this call for radical discipleship is either more about trying to make ourselves feel more of worth when we have worth anyway, or about thinking we are more than what we are and trying to show off how wonderfully spiritual we are.

Problem 3, I doubt that any of these example so called radical Christianity, or at least very few of them, woke up one day and said to themselves ‘I think I am going to start living like a radical Christian today!’. I think they probably did what felt completely natural as the course of there lives- ok, maybe natural isn’t the best word.

Let’s look at David for a second- he was called aside to be anointed to be the King of Israel after looking after some sheep. He then went off to the site of war- just to give his brothers lunch. Then he ended up killing a giant, probably not the most natural situation he faced everyday but he did it just the way he killed wolves. He didn’t wake up and think- ‘woah, today I’m gonna be as radical as possible, become King, kill a giant’- he lived his life willing to follow the call of God and use his natural God-given gifts. It was the ‘natural’ course of his life- because it was what his life was meant to be.

My point isn’t that people aren’t called to do unbelievable things, and it isn't that we don't need to have a renewed focus in getting to the heart of God. But, if I may be so bold as to say, I live everyday surrounded by parents that are incredible examples of Christianity- that some may say is radical. But my dad, he likes watching flog it and walking to tesco’s in the dark to read his paper at blooming 5.30 in the morning! My mum can’t work out what apostrophes are for and gets annoyed if rubbish is left on the coffee table. They aren’t radical people. They are just Christian people. Christianity is radical.

So how about I just try to be in relationship with God everyday and in everything and see where it gets me.

Just thought I'd update you all- i am still alive.

University is a bit more stressful this year. I already feel as though I am falling behind. I haven't even started my dissertation and my essays are coming along slowly! I really thought that I would savour this year- not want it to end- but in truth I am tired. I sick of living in limbo. I love learning- i love theology but i want a 'real life'. A job. A path. I feel like I am just stuck at the moment. I think this year is just constantly a time of preoccupation. You can't focus on one thing- my mind is always trying to be in 5 places at once! Job searching, essays, dissertation, resumes, aptitude tests, research, money, work etc etc. If time could just stop, I would be grateful.

I feel like I am missing so much at home as well. Romford is such a good place to be and there are so many people there that I love. I feel out of the loop.

Sorry that this is such a moany blog. I will aim to bring you a positive update on life later.

I found this prayer- it is my wish for myself.

So I came up with an idea for a new blog, finally.

Since, well, forever really I have struggled with the concept that the Bible is infallible. i have gone so far as to claim that I do not believe the Bible to be infalible- to some extent, doing my degree has given me proof that the Bible is, at times, wrong. However, I am not sharing this so you will all throw in the towel, regard the gospels as rubbish and hail John Ortberg as your saviour- I was just setting the scene.
Today I read this:

"When you hear people say they are just going to tell you what the Bible means, it is not true. They are telling you what they think it means. They are giving their opinions about the Bible. I am giving you my opinion, my interpretation of what it says. And the more I insist that i am giving you the objective truth of what it really says, the less objective I am actually being.

The Bible has to be interpreted. Decisions have to be made about what it means now, today... When was the last time you saw a Christian greet each other with a holy kiss? Or how about women wearing head coverings? Or slaves having to obey their masters? These are all commands which appear in the Bible. And yet thay are followed. This is because someone somewhere made a decision about those texts. Somebody in your history decided that some verses still apply and others don't.

[In order to make those decisions] we must understand that the Bible did not drop out of the sky. It was written by people. People who told stories and passed on oral traditions...To take statements made in a letter from one person living in a real place at a moment in history writing to another person living in a real place out of their context and apply them to today without first understanding their oringinal context sucks the life out of them.

They aren't first and foremost timeless truths.

We may and usually do find timeless truths present in the Bible, but it is because they were true in real places for real people at real times. "

Sorry that quote was rather long. It is taken from Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. Rob Bell isn't specifically discussing the falibility or infalibility of the Bible, and none of the above statements are spoken in a derogetry sense. Yet, reading it I could help thinking- The Bible can't be correct when everyone thinks correct is something different! I believe, as I always have, that the Bible is the word of God but I don't think it ends there. I can't claim to have the Word of God and then stop. The world doesn't work like that, and God doesn't work like that. God is ever-changing, ever moving, evey forming. He is eternally creating, eternally begetting. He is always willing to start again, always willing to re-jig plans . And that's how scripture has got to be. Every time you look through a keiloscope, you amaze at the new image, you don't need to spend your time arguing about whether this image is better or more real than the one before. Its just different.

Before I get more off the point, it just seems to me that the Bible is as truthful as I am. Because it was written by people like me. But I would never be as bold as to claim that this is exactly how it is, forever. If so why do we not do it all, as it was. Exactly the same forever. Because the church realised that following the Spirit doesn't necessarily follow a 'rule book' but searches for guidance wherever it can be found. The example of the men and women of our past show me how to live a life which honours God. They don't demand me to accept them with an air of finality.

I havent really covered this as I wished to cover it because I could go on forever. I feel like arguing against myself- but as Christopher has just reminded me- this is not an essay! Let me know what you think!

Ok. so its been over a month now since I last blogged so I should probably have something to say but I dont really so I'll just blabber on a bit. Today is mine and Chris' three year anniversary- woo! lol, well thats something to say anyway.
You may or may not know that my dad has gone to Peru to deal with emergency relief for the earthquake. It was a massive one at 8.5 on the richter scale and the aftershocks are quite bad. Dad has been caught in one of 5 on the richter scale. He's blogging though when he can so check that out! (See my links: aptly named 'Dad')
Its been a bit of an odd summer for me really. I have been splitting my time between two jobs. Hadleigh Training Centre- where I ususally am- and the place where I did work experience. SCM offered me a part time job and being there has been really cool. Getting to do something different. I feel like this summer has just flown past. Now i'm going into my last year! AHHH! I am so disorganised. I dont have a clue about my dissertation or what I want to do or anything. Its so scary- all I know is education. In only 10 months time that will be gone and I'll actually have to get a real life! I wish I could just look forward one year and see that it works out ok and then come back. a little light time travel with my evening meal. I think that would be good.

I found a verse that I am gonna try and live by. Theres this bit in God is Closer than you think where John Ortberg says- imagine what your life would be like if you actually lived liked God had it all in control, like God was actually closer than you think. A verse in Psalm 16 says 'I have set the Lord before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.' Hopefully, i can remember that and it will be ok.

Its over! I only very nearly cried. I can't believe its over. Quick, someone finish it so I have someone to talk to!

Tonight is the night!!

HARRY POTTER IS RELEASED!

Dad and I have packed our chairs and our little picnic and shall be setting off for Lakeside in a little while to join in the final ever Potter Mania!! I dont even have a costume. I'm quite disappointed with myself. Its gonna be great. I love them. I first started reading Harry Potter when I was 13 years old. I am now 20. I have grown up with these books and I am not ashamed to say that I am probably going to cry and cry when I get to the end.

I love it though. And i love that in this day and age people of every age and nationality are all so excited about this book, rather than a film or celebrity or inane object. Books teach you. They help you create a world full to the brim in your own imagination. I want my children to know that excitment of a world all in writing where anything can happen and you can see it all in your mind. I have purposefully not watched any of the Harry Potter films. I might when I have finished the final book and my imagination is no longer needed but until then the books are good enough.

Ok, so I am a geek and I do not hide it. I am aiming to have the book finished by Sunday morning!! Its my challenge to myself. I promise I'll keep the ending to myself......for now!

Ok, so the blogging about Sex God has gone a bit aray because I got bored. I am fickle. I'm sorry. But anyway, I'm going on holiday later today! Off to Portugal for a week! Woo. It shall be a lot of fun.

2 brief thoughts before I go away:

1. A Quote from C.S Lewis

Sexy on the inside

In this chapter, sex is redefined. Sex is not about the actual physical act of pleasure. It's about connection- the realization of our disconnection and the art of reconnecting.

Bell talks about the Fall-the major disconnection. When we were severed from God and each other. Left wanting. He talks in the next chapter about how the Fall was caused by Lust- and lust always promises what it cannot give. You always are left unfulfilled. We lusted, we decided believe the promises of something other than God and because of that we were disconnected from Him.
And so we try to fix it and take from wherever we can - sex, money, shopping, beauty etc. It doesnt work and we find fault; in each other, in God but more often that not, in ourselves. The disconnection that tears me apart in't from them or Him but from Me. Because I was made to see Him, them in Me.

Ok, so as I said. I'm re-reading this book. And so often I read things and think about them then those thoughts just get blown away- like sheep in a hurricane. So I am no longer doing that, which means that there may be a tedious amount of blogging about this book. Tough!

Chapter 1: God wears Lipstick- my thoughts

Rob Bell talks about shared humanity, well, what should be a shared humanity that is so often lost beneath labels of colour, gender, class, social groups and any other form of circumstantial exclusion. He makes a connection between earth, hell and heaven. They are all in existance simultaneously, and possibly, all the in the same place. Where we exist, reflecting the image of God and living under his reign- there heaven is. Where we exist denying God's thumbprint in us and ignoring his supremecy- there hell is. We take hell or heaven with us wherever we go, and we have to claim the ground for God, taking heaven where it needs to be.
Bell tells a story of a women, a heaven-bringer who he says 'sees only one label: human and therefore has only one response: love.'

If that is what it takes to stake the land, then i must admit, i have a very small plot!

sorry, i know i havent blogged in ages. but i havent really had anything to say. so this is just to let you know that i am still alive. at the moment i am doing a work experience placement at SCM publishing- i think i would like to work in publishing when i finish uni so hopefully this will come in handy and teach me alot. i am meant to be spending any spare time reading for my forthcoming dissertation but i havent done any yet- i will start soon. i will start soon. i will start soon. i'm hoping that if i keep telling myself that it might actually work!!

i have read Sex God by Rob Bell recently and i really enjoyed it. i realised that i usually sweep through these kinda books though and dont actually absorb so i'm re-reading it. when i've finished i'll blog about it and let you know what i think.

i'm still here. just rest assured! lol

I have been tagged:

My Tag: "The planet speeds up as it falls towards the sun, and paradoxically it ends up moving more quickly then it did before."

Here are the rules:
Find the nearest book
Turn to pg 161
Print the complete 5th sentence on the page
Tag 5 others

Well, i dont know who reads my blog and it seems like all romford bloggers have been tagged- so i will tag Sarah and Matt W

I was looking through random blogs and I came across this poem.


Mindful

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less
kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle
in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for
-to look, to listen,
to lose myself
inside this soft world
-to instruct myself
over and over
in joy, and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,
the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary, the common,
the very drab,
the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help
but grow wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light
of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

I've had a really lovely day today. I've had a week off this week because mum's away so i cant get into Hadleigh so i thought i'd use my time to do something i dont do very often- go into london.

I decided to go and meet dad at st pauls for lunch and then have a wander round covent garden. It was so lovely. Dad and I went and sat out by the river thames and watched all these people jogging by. They must have been so sweaty- i was absolutely boiling and i was just sitting down!! After that i popped on the tube for covent garden- i had completely forgotten about the lifts! I'm not phobic or anything but i'd rather avoid them if i could- but unfortunately i couldnt. So that was probably the most unpleasant experience of the day. I listened to this little string quintet which was really cool and bought some Edward Monkton keyrings- if you havent seen his stuff you should search it out; he is so funny!! Then i sat and ate a youghurt before heading home. It just made me so grateful for all the stuff i have right at my doorstep that i just dont appreciate. The history of the land we walk on. I am a city person and i just think london is so gorgeous. I'm grateful to God for my life, my loves, my family, my town... I truly think that gratitude can dispell a whole lotta evils. I'm grateful.



As is becoming customary- this prayer is for today:

Found this on Worldprayer.org and thought it was quite relevant for me today so i'm sharing it.

Last night was the scariest night of my life, thus far and i pray ever! After the meeting a bunch of us decided to go over to Cotton's park in Romford to chat and for the lads to play football. so thats what we did. At about 9 people started trailing off so left was me, twig, chris, olly, jacob, ash, pete and tom. We started to leave the park and saw a bunch of chav lads waiting at the gates. As we started to pass they started yelling, so we ignored them and walked round to try and find another exit. Jacob saw a hole in the fence so we crept through that, but we were gonna have to walk past them again to get back to the hall- so we crossed the road thinking we would be ok. But they were stilling yelling and shouting and being antagonisitic. The boys turned round to see if everything was ok to see them climbing over the fence to get us- running at us with chains and stuff. Luckily we were right near a pub- opposite the Honda shop. someone yelled 'run in the pub' so we did. i was shaking so much. i was petrified. The blokes in the pub saw us run in and shut all the doors and guarded them. People came and told us to wait it out- it would be ok. I rang my daddy (!!) and got him to come and get me. After about 5-10 mins things had calm down. The landlady said the best thing for it would be to sneak out th exit- well my dad was on his way and so i didnt want to leave and chris wasnt leaving me on our own. So the others were taken out the back down and allyway opposite the brewery- they all ran round that way. My dad came and got me and chris and drove us to the hall. Everyone was safe luckily and it was ok but i have never been so scared. This wasnt a joke. these guys would have actually hurt us- badly. They were high on weed and drink and they were vicious. I am so grateful that pub was there and that we were ok. We were very lucky- or should i say very blessed.

What makes people want to do that? waht makes them think being violent is ok- for absolutely no reason?! What makes them want to threaten innocent people? There brains were addled by all the stuff they had been taking-but would like have been like that anyway?!! Why cant you go to a park and play football and be safe? i just never thought something like that would ever actually happen to me- or be threatened to me. its scary. i just dont feel safe anymore. i want to say i do- that with God i fear no evil, but i'm scared. I was scared. I was just praying over and over again- GOd keep us safe- and he did. But can he always? So many people arent- too many people arent. I know God watches them and me- but maybe my physical safety is up to me. Sorry to be so depressing. just needed to get it off my chest.

" The whole point of watchfulness at the door of the heart is that we can choose what we think about. We are not mercilessly victimised by the stream of words, thoughts, images and people that in pours in upon us. In the midst of it all we are free, free to choose. Guarding the door of our hearts may look like something negative but in reality it is wholly postitive, it is total freedom. I am not a slave to my own thoughts or to those of other people;I am not a slave to the television; i can switch it off. I can also switch off the words in my heart, the things my tongue is saying. I can be silent. I am not a slave to this torrent that comes rushing towards me. I can filter it. I can slect. And i am meant to select. We live in a world where we can choose. I can believe in God even if noone else does. I can pray to Jesus at any time, wherever I am, and noone can prevent me from doing so. This is my freedom of religion. God is my master, not all the forces that assail me, trying to make me think as other people think, believe as other people believe, do as other people do."

Ok, I am not wanting to offend or to start a huge thing, but I have just read an article in the Salvationist which I want to comment on. It was written by the T.C; “Confident in Soldiership”. I quote only some but still quite a lot. Sorry:

Soldiership needs to be placed high on The Salvation Army’s agenda. The trend of recent decades of loss has been compounded by a seeming lack of will to give soldiership its rightful place….We respect and value adherents but we must also present a respectful challenge; Is there any reason why you cannot become a soldier?

There is one supreme directive for Salvation Army officers in Orders and Regulations: ‘To bring the message of salvation to the unconverted, and to lead and train the soldiery to win souls for the Kingdom.’ Those who think otherwise are a stumbling block to themselves and to the mission God has given us. It is beautiful to behold the strong steadfast, persevering, consistent commitment of the Salvation soldier. How can we be content with mere transient, temporary or topical involvement?

We have to combat the reality that in many situations a few seem to do most of the work. Soldiership is more than nominal membership, or attendance, or a name on a roll.


(Sorry about the colours, couldn’t help myself!) Ok, firstly I would like to point out that I have no qualms with people who chose freely to become soldiers in the spirit of commitment. I have no problems with people who wear uniform and are proud to be members of The Salvation Army. I just want to make that known.

I have probably had this conversation with many of you before so I’m sorry for the re-run. I find it really difficult whenever this topic comes up and I think the problem is my own defensiveness rather than actual opinion. I always feel as though I am being called to defend myself. I first attended the army when I was 6 days old and have attended regularly since. I have been lifted and shifted by the army throughout my life. I have been in singing companies, music schools, drama groups, timbrels, Roots etc. The army has been my spiritual home where I have found a personal relationship with God. Yet, I feel the need to defend my membership. The TC asks If there is any reason not be a soldier- but is there any reason I should?! If I do not feel a calling to this commitment should I do it anyway just because it makes me one of the gang? Does performing an outward action give me more of an inward spiritual grace than not doing it?

My dad has a passion for soldiership and I do respect him for that. As far as I understand, my dad believes soldiership to be a commitment worthy of ownership- you become invested in the work of the army so much that you will do something. You wouldn’t see Ryan Giggs playing without his Man U strip- why would you act out your spirituality in the Army without the ‘strip’? Dad says that every church has an ‘act’ of membership- baptism confirmation etc, but soldiership isn’t like that. It isn’t a one off outward that enables the inward. It’s a continual outward that can evoke pride, exclusiveness and an ‘act’ based church rather than heart based. It can become a front, a face, a marching parade of goodness and glory- but who’s?

Sprituality isn’t about ‘wearing your strip’. I cant agree with him. I think as much as I am an extrovert and I am willing to talk about God a lot- for some reason the idea of making it and ‘outward expression’ makes me cringe. I have never worn a WWJD bracelet, I do not wear a cross, I haven’t made a public declaration of faith (well, once when I was like 7 but I think I’ve grown since then). The idea of standing of front of a load of people and signing a covenant, or getting baptized, or being confirmed or any of those things provokes almost a physical reaction. This isn’t because I don’t value soldiership but because I do. It’s a important, sacred, spiritual step for many people and I would never undermine it as much as to just act it when I didn’t want it. And why should I be made to feel I have to- my commitment to God is my business and mine alone and as much as I accept the value of accountability being antagonized into a ritual doesn’t make me grow spiritually.

The TC also mentions the need for an evangelizing spirit (I paraphrase) or else you are a ‘stumbling block to yourselves and to God’s mission’. What?!! If everyone in a corps was an evangelizer who would be the teacher, disciple, carer? I do want people to know God- of course I do- but I wouldn’t say I went out of my way to make it so. I want people to be happy. With or without God; Christian or non-Christian in any capacity. But to say that makes me a stumbling block to the plan! I really cant explain anymore but that statement annoyed me so much when I read it. I am also slightly offended by the insinuation that because I am not a soldier my commitment is transient- my commitment to what- the army or to God?

Soldiership SHOULD BE more than nominal membership- but all the time the regulations make soldiership an exclusive little club rather than an act of sacrament it won’t be corporately. Individually, maybe. My name is on Gods roll- whether its on the TC’s or not.

I have been thinking about how little I know. I know very little about much really. I know enough, but when humans use what, 10% of their brains, what is it that I am capable of doing but that i'm not?

I was also thinking about God. I know that I think about God differently to how most of my friends at home think about God. I feel sometimes like i live on the fringes of the Christian community. like I can't really jump in and claim it as mine because of how I percieve things. But, on the other hand, I don't know if I really need to. It can be rather perplexing (isnt that a good word!) as how in one part of my life my inquistiveness/way of thinking is welcomed and encouraged, expected even. And in the other half, i feel like people are a little scared of me maybe. Its more comfortable if I just shhh really.

I heard this song on klove; i like it.

Steven Curtis Chapman - God Is God
From the album Declaration

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fly, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see apart of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things

God is God and I am not
I can only see apart of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

...another slams shut behind you!!

When for a meeting today with a guy at SCM Press; a Theological Publishing House in Islington and i have got myself 4 weeks unpaid work experience in editorial and sales. Which is incredible. its such a good opportunity as i want to work in publishing when i finish uni- so hopefully having some work experience (brief but still experience) will help me get a foot in the door.

Well, this sounds wonderful. "Whats the problem?" i hear you cry. Well, i found out when i got home that the work i thought i had at Hadleigh for the other 12 weeks of the holiday to earn some money is no longer avalible. I was misinformed. So now i'm back to the drawing board, with 4 less weeks to earn money in.

I have worked all the summers i've had at uni because i need the money and this year in no exception so i've got to get a move on and find a job. It might be Tesco's for me this summer! Hopefully someone will employ me! please!

On behalf of Christopher just wanted to let you know that baby Lyra Dawn Goldsmith was born yesterday.

Welcome little Lyra!

Mum and baby are both well apparently. So thats good. All very exciting!

Right, this blog is actually a response to Dawn’s and the comments written. I hope people don’t mind me using the inspiration. (I would like to make it known as I don’t really know what I am about to say- I roll with the punches of my own instinct- that any ‘aggressive’ response is never personal just passionate).
Anyway, the point was made that to be fully integrated into church we need to go to or be part of more than just congregation and the ‘importance’ of cell groups as part of that.

A quote to start if I may (hope you don’t mind Dawn)

"In order to fully grow as a Christian, you need to be surrounded by like-minded people to learn and develop. Congregation does not allow you to do that to the full extent."

Kirsty developed this point “I think that they run the risk of being 'less effective' Christians unless they have some other spiritual input which is more personal than 'congregation'.”

To be fair to my muses the point was raised that ‘cell’ is not distinctly house group but being involved with friends and in relationships with people who ‘get you’.

First question, why are congregational Christians assumed not be involved?

I feel that human nature is one of judgement. I value myself or rate myself in life over and above or under those examples of people I see. My friendships and relationships develop closely with people who I have a common bond, who share my ideas on spirituality/politics/relationship/all or one of the above. As bloggers all, we share an urge to communicate, to be heard, understood and responded to. This is not a bad thing. We have extroverted natures. (In a Jungian understanding). Not everyone does. Some people are doers. Introverted; they seek to remain out of the limelight. To do what is needed without being praised. They are the unsung heroes that make communities work whilst the praise goes to those who are happy to shout. We don’t ‘know’ them. They are the people who aren’t our best friends. Who don’t go to cell groups and aren’t the ones asked to do the important jobs. Maybe no one asks them to do anything at all. And because we don’t, and because they don’t, we risk assuming that they are somehow behind, lacking, uneffective. As Kirsty pointed out, “I guess this is as much my problem as others in that I don't talk to enough people in church that are not part of my 'intimate group of friends.'” Yet, our lives do not stop and start on Sundays. Christianity is not about congregation or cell. It is helpful, useful. People grow and develop. But surely a nobler faith is that which doesn’t sit around esoterically but lives exoterically. As Rowan Willams says in his book (very good book) Silence and Honey cakes “The soul is not capable of transforming itself… it needs the impossible, unpredictable human beings we encounter daily, in and out of the church. Only in this setting do we become truly holy- in a way entirely unique to each one of us.” Am I loosing you? I'm loosing myself.

I think that my point, in essence, is quite simple really and two fold-
Firstly, don’t assume you know. We rarely do.
Secondly, maybe, just maybe, we have created these cell groups in the first place because our ‘congregation’ was lacking and nobody could think of an easier way to do it. To make congregation into family, where all are valued and are safe, where those who kneel and those who jump are both equally needed and praised, where ‘songs of fellowship’ and the ‘songbook’ are not two sides of civil war, where those who talk about their feelings and those who just live them through are both accepted and recognised for their effectiveness. Maybe doing that was just too hard. Don’t get me wrong, cell isn’t wrong or unfair, or exclusive (well, not theoretically, but people are just people) but it isn’t the be all and end all either. These people that write books on how church should be don’t go to our church. So yes, maybe helpful, but not gospel. Formula’s on how church should be done are a load of *&%£ when push comes to shove.

“We need to recognise the danger of looking for the ideal church community and instead ask how I pledge my body to the Christian community I am actually with…sooner or later you will have to confront the challenge of being pledged to an uncomfortable reality- and how to cope with that inner restlessness which constantly suggests what look like simpler solutions, avoiding the difficult route of changing myself.”

I was reading through my silly quiz thingys again and i thought how odd it is that people (well, me anyway)like to be summed up by someone or something else. We are eager for definition- maybe so we know where to go with our lives or what it is we are meant to do.
I think it was right about me- i am opinionated and intense and that is me and i dont think i would really apoligise for that but i dont want to become someone who most people lean more towards the hate me then love me side! I dont want to become a person that alienates other people in any way. That is and has never been my intention.
I dont want to be defined as that. as much as it may be accurate of some of me, it isnt of all of me. I realise that for all my faults and flaws, i'm 3D and beyond definition. So many of my lecture begin with the words- try and define... and you get in such a muddle. Salvation, antonement, grace, faith, God, love, hope, beauty... all these things that, as Christians, we put our trust in- we cant explain them or define them. they cannot be boxed up and neatly packaged. They cant be made into common sense and logical steps. humans gravitate towards lines and boxes and answers forgetting that the most worthwhile things in life never happen that way. Our minds werent built to understand infinity- but that is what we have been given to deal with. We have to learn to live outside of our definitions; the ones we make for ourselves and the ones we are given. anyway, just a thought.

Your Brain is Green

Of all the brain types, yours has the most balance.
You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver.
You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual).


I know that these internet test things are stupid but they seem to be quite right about me. Scary!

Found this- thought it was spookily accurate! what'd you think?

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate.
You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken.
And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted.
Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved.

Your strength: Your flair

Your weakness: If you think it, you say it

Your power color: Scarlet red

Your power symbol: Inverted triangle

Your power month: March

I just had the BEST lecture in the world!!!!!!!!!! Too long to explain but very happy indeed. may explain another time!! Origen was a genius!!

Happy valentines day!!

Do you think we forget as a church what we have to offer- or even what we have been given? Do you think 'the church' even cares anymore about we it is we have? or is 'the church' the problem?

Let me start with what sparked my curiosity- from Dietriech Bonhoeffer:

"Cheap grace is the enemy of the church...Cheap grace is not he kind of forgiveness of sinwhich frees us from the toils of sin. Cheap grace is the kind of grace we bestow upon ourselves...Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ living and incarnate"

"Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again. The gift whihch must be asked for, the door at which a man must knock. Such grace is costly because it calls a man to follow, it is grace because it calls us to follow Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. Above all, it is costly because it cost God his son."

I sometimes forget why it is that i love God so much and what it is that i have to be grateful for. Do you forget what we have? has 'the church' instituionalised the only free gift we have to offer?

I dont think Christianity is about the 'life to come' but to be blessed in the life we have. As christian aid says- I believe in life before death. God came to give me life in all its fullness. Have i sold my God short on what it is he has to offer?

"Late have i loved you, beauty so old and so new, late have i loved you. "

"When i shall have adhered myself to you with the whole of myself, i shal never have pain and toil and my entire life will be full of you.
You lift up the person you fill. But for the present i am not full of you, i am but a burden to myself.
Alas Lord, have mercy opon me wretch that i am. See, i do not hide my wounds. You are the physician and i the patient. You will more and more increase your gifts in me Lord"

"You cured me in the first place of my lust for self justification to show yourself portitious to all my other iniquities; you heal all my diseases, you redeem my life from corruptions, crown me with compassion and mercy and satisfy my longing for good things"

"I beseech you, my God, show me myself..."

You may or may not have gathered that recently i've been finding all the "God Stuff" a bit difficult. To be honest, i think i let theology get the better of me but then, ironically enough, these verses were read it a lecture- it was my Ureka! moment:

Acts 17: 22-28

22Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: "Men of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. 23 For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you.
24"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27 God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 28 'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'

Hope it means as much to you as it did to me!

Take me back to the time

When I was maybe eight or nine

And I believed

when jesus walked on waters blue and

If he helped me I could to

If I believed

Before rational analysis and systematic thinking

Robbed me of a sweet simplicity

When wonders and when mysterys

Were far less often silly dreams and

Childhood fantasys

CHORUS: Help me believe 'cause I don't want to miss any miracles

Maybe i'd see Much better by closing my eyes

and I would shed this grown up skin I'm in

To touch an Angels wing

And I would be free

Help me believe

When mustard seeds made mountians move

A burning bush that spoke for you was good enough

when manna fell from heavens high

Just because you told the sky to open up

Am I to wise to recognize that everythin uncertain is certainly a possibility

When logic fails my reasoning and science crushes underneath

The weight of all that is unseen

Help me believe cause i don't want to miss any miracles

Maybe i'd see much better by closing my eyes

and i'd shed this grown up skin i'm in

To touch an Angels wing

And i would be Free

Help me believe

This is not gonna be a big blog- more bullet points of thought that i havent developed.

• "The word 'cause' is an alter to an unknown god" - a quote i found on a friends blog that got stuck under my skin.Is GOD not THE unknown god? is everything i do laid on that alter- is that where my problem is? God is huge, unknowable by nature, so where do you start?!

• www.worldonfire.ca - just something i thought people would like to see

• Did you what the catholics refer to as 'religious ecstasy'? stigmata, visions- usually the most painful 'religious' experiences that people know of- its not pain, its ecstasy. we just dont understand it. i dont know why i'm sayin that, it means something i just dont know what yet.

There you go- if you have anything random to say on anything go ahead.