there is someone who I know who isn't around very much, but when I see them I always become very jealous. I am not going to mention names. And I know that jealousy is not a good thing- but I wonder if it is productive.

I am jealous because she appears to buzz off God and life and just being. She seems to genuinely seek Gods heart and she offers no apology for answering questions with 'Ask the man upstairs!'. It is not just that she is living the life that God wants for her- its that that fact shines from her.

(please be aware that what follows may seem to be compliment seeking self-pity. It is genuienely not!)

I worry that I am none of these things. It is what I so want for myself but have never achieved. Every year my resolution is to grow in my relationship with God and although think I do move forward- it just isn't...well, i dont buzz. This is not God's fault and I do not feel spiritually bereft. I just want more- but I never seem to put in more effort.

Whenever I see this person I promise myself that I will dedicate myself to prayer. That I will focus myself to make God central. Then the next day comes and its same old same old.

But again I make the same resolution, the same plea to myself- seek God's heart this year. Seek God's guidance each day. Seek His comfort first and not last. Seek his peace before and not as the last resort. Seek His strength to do that which I didn't think I could do, not just as a back up to that with which I think i'll do fine. Seek His gifts so that next year I will not come again to write about how I am unchanged.

I challenge myself to try. and maybe next time I see this friend, I will have no reason for jealousy- just for gratitude.