Life is a bit strange at the moment. I don't think anything can prepare you for your final year at university. There is a jump which is as daunting as it is different from starting university in the first place; contemplating finishing university. People who know me well understand that I like to have a plan. 'like' might not do justice to how much I rely upon my plans. I have a diary, a day wall planner. I have lists and post its. I have general ideas and I know how things are going to work out. I plan for eventuality's which may or may not happen- just in case. I don't think this is a bad thing- organisation cannot be a fault, can it?
I was talking to someone the other day. I was recalling a conversation I once had with my mum- she told me that she has known since I was tiny that if I was never scared I would never do anything. Fear is my motivator. I am scared of failure so I make sure I don't fail. I'm scared of getting lost so I always prepare for where I'm going etc etc. I know this about myself and I have never really thought it is a bad thing. Until the woman I was talking to turned around and said 'And you call yourself a woman of faith'.
I was a bit blown away. I had never really thought that my fear undermined my faith before. I mean, as scared as I am most of the time, I think if I didn't have faith I wouldn't be able to move for phobia's. She was sure that believing in God meant you had nothing to be afraid of- and maybe she is right to some degree. But now I am struggling.
I don't know what is going to happen next. My plans are not concrete and try as I might to work things through in my mind for every eventuality I am stuck. I do not know if I am going to be able to finish my degree as I wanted to. I do not know if I am going to be able to find a job. I do not know a lot of things about what is going to happen to me come June next year. I am clueless and no amount of buying post-its is going to help. I mean, I do have a little bit of a plan. If I didn't I would probably be dead. But it isnt as sorted as I would like it to be. And I wonder, is this an opportunity? Am I meant to leave this is God's hands and see where the cards fall? Does my terror at not knowing mean that I trust God any less to do that than I have at other points in my life?
God has never led me wrong. (Halleujah! (for Liz!) I believe that He knows more about me than I will ever know about myself. I just hope he knows that I don't want my fear to be an offence to Him. (But I still really would appreciate knowing!!)
2 comments:
- At 8:15 AM Dawn said...
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My daily bible readings at the moment are talking about fear and how, because God loves us and that he did for us, 'we are more than conquerors'.
Maybe it's time to revel in that lack of control and just wait and see what God has planned. Look at me...I ended up at the other end of the country...I'm certianly not saying that'll happen to you, but rather than panic, await the unexpected with excitement and opportunity.
Will be praying for you x - At 9:13 AM Anonymous said...
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Becky, I love this post. Its so real! Its so like me too. Reading you saying, 'is this an oportunity?', I wanted to call out, 'yes Becky!' Nothing makes me feel more excited than seeing my friends depeding totally on God. Its funny that I feel like that and yet struggle so much to do the same thing myself.
I have just been listening to a very relevant song:
Faithful God, so unchanging.
Ageless One, You're my rock of peace.
Lord of all, I depend on You.
I call out to You again and again.
You are my rock in times of trouble.
You lift me up when I fall down.
All through the storm, Your love is the anchor.
My hope is in You alone.
We have been thinking about hope tons at Romford, and I think for me the message is slowly sinking in. Sometimes I am too afraid of disappointemt to hope. Sometimes I plan so hard because I am so scared of disappointment and failure, that I forget the freedom and joy that hope brings.
