I hope you like the new layout. It is to go with the new year- my journey, if you will.

Please ignore the tabs, I am unsure as of how to get rid of them. Any ideas?

there is someone who I know who isn't around very much, but when I see them I always become very jealous. I am not going to mention names. And I know that jealousy is not a good thing- but I wonder if it is productive.

I am jealous because she appears to buzz off God and life and just being. She seems to genuinely seek Gods heart and she offers no apology for answering questions with 'Ask the man upstairs!'. It is not just that she is living the life that God wants for her- its that that fact shines from her.

(please be aware that what follows may seem to be compliment seeking self-pity. It is genuienely not!)

I worry that I am none of these things. It is what I so want for myself but have never achieved. Every year my resolution is to grow in my relationship with God and although think I do move forward- it just isn't...well, i dont buzz. This is not God's fault and I do not feel spiritually bereft. I just want more- but I never seem to put in more effort.

Whenever I see this person I promise myself that I will dedicate myself to prayer. That I will focus myself to make God central. Then the next day comes and its same old same old.

But again I make the same resolution, the same plea to myself- seek God's heart this year. Seek God's guidance each day. Seek His comfort first and not last. Seek his peace before and not as the last resort. Seek His strength to do that which I didn't think I could do, not just as a back up to that with which I think i'll do fine. Seek His gifts so that next year I will not come again to write about how I am unchanged.

I challenge myself to try. and maybe next time I see this friend, I will have no reason for jealousy- just for gratitude.

Life is a bit strange at the moment. I don't think anything can prepare you for your final year at university. There is a jump which is as daunting as it is different from starting university in the first place; contemplating finishing university. People who know me well understand that I like to have a plan. 'like' might not do justice to how much I rely upon my plans. I have a diary, a day wall planner. I have lists and post its. I have general ideas and I know how things are going to work out. I plan for eventuality's which may or may not happen- just in case. I don't think this is a bad thing- organisation cannot be a fault, can it?

I was talking to someone the other day. I was recalling a conversation I once had with my mum- she told me that she has known since I was tiny that if I was never scared I would never do anything. Fear is my motivator. I am scared of failure so I make sure I don't fail. I'm scared of getting lost so I always prepare for where I'm going etc etc. I know this about myself and I have never really thought it is a bad thing. Until the woman I was talking to turned around and said 'And you call yourself a woman of faith'.

I was a bit blown away. I had never really thought that my fear undermined my faith before. I mean, as scared as I am most of the time, I think if I didn't have faith I wouldn't be able to move for phobia's. She was sure that believing in God meant you had nothing to be afraid of- and maybe she is right to some degree. But now I am struggling.

I don't know what is going to happen next. My plans are not concrete and try as I might to work things through in my mind for every eventuality I am stuck. I do not know if I am going to be able to finish my degree as I wanted to. I do not know if I am going to be able to find a job. I do not know a lot of things about what is going to happen to me come June next year. I am clueless and no amount of buying post-its is going to help. I mean, I do have a little bit of a plan. If I didn't I would probably be dead. But it isnt as sorted as I would like it to be. And I wonder, is this an opportunity? Am I meant to leave this is God's hands and see where the cards fall? Does my terror at not knowing mean that I trust God any less to do that than I have at other points in my life?

God has never led me wrong. (Halleujah! (for Liz!) I believe that He knows more about me than I will ever know about myself. I just hope he knows that I don't want my fear to be an offence to Him. (But I still really would appreciate knowing!!)

I am wasting time sat in the library and I could be doing an essay if someone hadn't taken out every single book about the topic! urgh!

I was thinking today how grateful I am that Jesus doesn't use a computer. I am at the moment going through a graduate application process that is computerised. There are loads of online stages and computerised tests before you are lucky enough to get to the stage of actually meeting someone. I am holding out hope that I can be good at computerised tests for a few more weeks because I just keep telling myself, If I can meet these people, then I can show them that I can do this. If I can meet someone, I can tell them why I want this. If I get to chat to a real person I can explain what I am good at, what i need help with and why they really really really do want to employ me. But i have to jump through all these hoops before I get a shot at doing that, and in the process I am growing ever more doubtful that I will get that far. (but I can live in hope!)

It just makes me realise how great it is that I can meet jesus every day. That I dont have to jump through hoops and pass a test and then convince him that he wants me. He has met me, he wants me and I dont have to keep selling myself to him. I'm sold. I can meet with the real Jesus every day and tell him what I'm good at, what I need help with and hear him tell me that he really really really does want me. full stop.

Ok, so I’ve had a bit of a niggling issue of late.

I am annoyed by the call for ‘radical Christianity’. Let me explain why.

Nobody can define in a nice, succinct and actually useful way what radical is. It is just this feeling of living every day radically in tune with Christ and going wherever he calls us to go.

Problem one, that isn’t radical. That’s just Christianity.

People are looking towards the examples, biblical and otherwise, of radically Christians and wishing that they could emulate that faith and vision. Here comes problems number 2 and 3.

Problem 2, why are people trying to have the faith of someone else’s journey?

God’s calling for your life of faith is individual and unique- don’t undervalue your part and the piece God calls you for. And don’t think you are ‘better’ than being called to a ‘measly’ Christian in a ‘secular job’.
Sometimes I worry that this call for radical discipleship is either more about trying to make ourselves feel more of worth when we have worth anyway, or about thinking we are more than what we are and trying to show off how wonderfully spiritual we are.

Problem 3, I doubt that any of these example so called radical Christianity, or at least very few of them, woke up one day and said to themselves ‘I think I am going to start living like a radical Christian today!’. I think they probably did what felt completely natural as the course of there lives- ok, maybe natural isn’t the best word.

Let’s look at David for a second- he was called aside to be anointed to be the King of Israel after looking after some sheep. He then went off to the site of war- just to give his brothers lunch. Then he ended up killing a giant, probably not the most natural situation he faced everyday but he did it just the way he killed wolves. He didn’t wake up and think- ‘woah, today I’m gonna be as radical as possible, become King, kill a giant’- he lived his life willing to follow the call of God and use his natural God-given gifts. It was the ‘natural’ course of his life- because it was what his life was meant to be.

My point isn’t that people aren’t called to do unbelievable things, and it isn't that we don't need to have a renewed focus in getting to the heart of God. But, if I may be so bold as to say, I live everyday surrounded by parents that are incredible examples of Christianity- that some may say is radical. But my dad, he likes watching flog it and walking to tesco’s in the dark to read his paper at blooming 5.30 in the morning! My mum can’t work out what apostrophes are for and gets annoyed if rubbish is left on the coffee table. They aren’t radical people. They are just Christian people. Christianity is radical.

So how about I just try to be in relationship with God everyday and in everything and see where it gets me.

Just thought I'd update you all- i am still alive.

University is a bit more stressful this year. I already feel as though I am falling behind. I haven't even started my dissertation and my essays are coming along slowly! I really thought that I would savour this year- not want it to end- but in truth I am tired. I sick of living in limbo. I love learning- i love theology but i want a 'real life'. A job. A path. I feel like I am just stuck at the moment. I think this year is just constantly a time of preoccupation. You can't focus on one thing- my mind is always trying to be in 5 places at once! Job searching, essays, dissertation, resumes, aptitude tests, research, money, work etc etc. If time could just stop, I would be grateful.

I feel like I am missing so much at home as well. Romford is such a good place to be and there are so many people there that I love. I feel out of the loop.

Sorry that this is such a moany blog. I will aim to bring you a positive update on life later.

I found this prayer- it is my wish for myself.

So I came up with an idea for a new blog, finally.

Since, well, forever really I have struggled with the concept that the Bible is infallible. i have gone so far as to claim that I do not believe the Bible to be infalible- to some extent, doing my degree has given me proof that the Bible is, at times, wrong. However, I am not sharing this so you will all throw in the towel, regard the gospels as rubbish and hail John Ortberg as your saviour- I was just setting the scene.
Today I read this:

"When you hear people say they are just going to tell you what the Bible means, it is not true. They are telling you what they think it means. They are giving their opinions about the Bible. I am giving you my opinion, my interpretation of what it says. And the more I insist that i am giving you the objective truth of what it really says, the less objective I am actually being.

The Bible has to be interpreted. Decisions have to be made about what it means now, today... When was the last time you saw a Christian greet each other with a holy kiss? Or how about women wearing head coverings? Or slaves having to obey their masters? These are all commands which appear in the Bible. And yet thay are followed. This is because someone somewhere made a decision about those texts. Somebody in your history decided that some verses still apply and others don't.

[In order to make those decisions] we must understand that the Bible did not drop out of the sky. It was written by people. People who told stories and passed on oral traditions...To take statements made in a letter from one person living in a real place at a moment in history writing to another person living in a real place out of their context and apply them to today without first understanding their oringinal context sucks the life out of them.

They aren't first and foremost timeless truths.

We may and usually do find timeless truths present in the Bible, but it is because they were true in real places for real people at real times. "

Sorry that quote was rather long. It is taken from Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. Rob Bell isn't specifically discussing the falibility or infalibility of the Bible, and none of the above statements are spoken in a derogetry sense. Yet, reading it I could help thinking- The Bible can't be correct when everyone thinks correct is something different! I believe, as I always have, that the Bible is the word of God but I don't think it ends there. I can't claim to have the Word of God and then stop. The world doesn't work like that, and God doesn't work like that. God is ever-changing, ever moving, evey forming. He is eternally creating, eternally begetting. He is always willing to start again, always willing to re-jig plans . And that's how scripture has got to be. Every time you look through a keiloscope, you amaze at the new image, you don't need to spend your time arguing about whether this image is better or more real than the one before. Its just different.

Before I get more off the point, it just seems to me that the Bible is as truthful as I am. Because it was written by people like me. But I would never be as bold as to claim that this is exactly how it is, forever. If so why do we not do it all, as it was. Exactly the same forever. Because the church realised that following the Spirit doesn't necessarily follow a 'rule book' but searches for guidance wherever it can be found. The example of the men and women of our past show me how to live a life which honours God. They don't demand me to accept them with an air of finality.

I havent really covered this as I wished to cover it because I could go on forever. I feel like arguing against myself- but as Christopher has just reminded me- this is not an essay! Let me know what you think!

Ok. so its been over a month now since I last blogged so I should probably have something to say but I dont really so I'll just blabber on a bit. Today is mine and Chris' three year anniversary- woo! lol, well thats something to say anyway.
You may or may not know that my dad has gone to Peru to deal with emergency relief for the earthquake. It was a massive one at 8.5 on the richter scale and the aftershocks are quite bad. Dad has been caught in one of 5 on the richter scale. He's blogging though when he can so check that out! (See my links: aptly named 'Dad')
Its been a bit of an odd summer for me really. I have been splitting my time between two jobs. Hadleigh Training Centre- where I ususally am- and the place where I did work experience. SCM offered me a part time job and being there has been really cool. Getting to do something different. I feel like this summer has just flown past. Now i'm going into my last year! AHHH! I am so disorganised. I dont have a clue about my dissertation or what I want to do or anything. Its so scary- all I know is education. In only 10 months time that will be gone and I'll actually have to get a real life! I wish I could just look forward one year and see that it works out ok and then come back. a little light time travel with my evening meal. I think that would be good.

I found a verse that I am gonna try and live by. Theres this bit in God is Closer than you think where John Ortberg says- imagine what your life would be like if you actually lived liked God had it all in control, like God was actually closer than you think. A verse in Psalm 16 says 'I have set the Lord before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.' Hopefully, i can remember that and it will be ok.

Its over! I only very nearly cried. I can't believe its over. Quick, someone finish it so I have someone to talk to!

Tonight is the night!!

HARRY POTTER IS RELEASED!

Dad and I have packed our chairs and our little picnic and shall be setting off for Lakeside in a little while to join in the final ever Potter Mania!! I dont even have a costume. I'm quite disappointed with myself. Its gonna be great. I love them. I first started reading Harry Potter when I was 13 years old. I am now 20. I have grown up with these books and I am not ashamed to say that I am probably going to cry and cry when I get to the end.

I love it though. And i love that in this day and age people of every age and nationality are all so excited about this book, rather than a film or celebrity or inane object. Books teach you. They help you create a world full to the brim in your own imagination. I want my children to know that excitment of a world all in writing where anything can happen and you can see it all in your mind. I have purposefully not watched any of the Harry Potter films. I might when I have finished the final book and my imagination is no longer needed but until then the books are good enough.

Ok, so I am a geek and I do not hide it. I am aiming to have the book finished by Sunday morning!! Its my challenge to myself. I promise I'll keep the ending to myself......for now!

Ok, so the blogging about Sex God has gone a bit aray because I got bored. I am fickle. I'm sorry. But anyway, I'm going on holiday later today! Off to Portugal for a week! Woo. It shall be a lot of fun.

2 brief thoughts before I go away:

1. A Quote from C.S Lewis

Sexy on the inside

In this chapter, sex is redefined. Sex is not about the actual physical act of pleasure. It's about connection- the realization of our disconnection and the art of reconnecting.

Bell talks about the Fall-the major disconnection. When we were severed from God and each other. Left wanting. He talks in the next chapter about how the Fall was caused by Lust- and lust always promises what it cannot give. You always are left unfulfilled. We lusted, we decided believe the promises of something other than God and because of that we were disconnected from Him.
And so we try to fix it and take from wherever we can - sex, money, shopping, beauty etc. It doesnt work and we find fault; in each other, in God but more often that not, in ourselves. The disconnection that tears me apart in't from them or Him but from Me. Because I was made to see Him, them in Me.

Ok, so as I said. I'm re-reading this book. And so often I read things and think about them then those thoughts just get blown away- like sheep in a hurricane. So I am no longer doing that, which means that there may be a tedious amount of blogging about this book. Tough!

Chapter 1: God wears Lipstick- my thoughts

Rob Bell talks about shared humanity, well, what should be a shared humanity that is so often lost beneath labels of colour, gender, class, social groups and any other form of circumstantial exclusion. He makes a connection between earth, hell and heaven. They are all in existance simultaneously, and possibly, all the in the same place. Where we exist, reflecting the image of God and living under his reign- there heaven is. Where we exist denying God's thumbprint in us and ignoring his supremecy- there hell is. We take hell or heaven with us wherever we go, and we have to claim the ground for God, taking heaven where it needs to be.
Bell tells a story of a women, a heaven-bringer who he says 'sees only one label: human and therefore has only one response: love.'

If that is what it takes to stake the land, then i must admit, i have a very small plot!

sorry, i know i havent blogged in ages. but i havent really had anything to say. so this is just to let you know that i am still alive. at the moment i am doing a work experience placement at SCM publishing- i think i would like to work in publishing when i finish uni so hopefully this will come in handy and teach me alot. i am meant to be spending any spare time reading for my forthcoming dissertation but i havent done any yet- i will start soon. i will start soon. i will start soon. i'm hoping that if i keep telling myself that it might actually work!!

i have read Sex God by Rob Bell recently and i really enjoyed it. i realised that i usually sweep through these kinda books though and dont actually absorb so i'm re-reading it. when i've finished i'll blog about it and let you know what i think.

i'm still here. just rest assured! lol

I have been tagged:

My Tag: "The planet speeds up as it falls towards the sun, and paradoxically it ends up moving more quickly then it did before."

Here are the rules:
Find the nearest book
Turn to pg 161
Print the complete 5th sentence on the page
Tag 5 others

Well, i dont know who reads my blog and it seems like all romford bloggers have been tagged- so i will tag Sarah and Matt W

I was looking through random blogs and I came across this poem.


Mindful

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less
kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle
in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for
-to look, to listen,
to lose myself
inside this soft world
-to instruct myself
over and over
in joy, and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,
the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary, the common,
the very drab,
the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help
but grow wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light
of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

I've had a really lovely day today. I've had a week off this week because mum's away so i cant get into Hadleigh so i thought i'd use my time to do something i dont do very often- go into london.

I decided to go and meet dad at st pauls for lunch and then have a wander round covent garden. It was so lovely. Dad and I went and sat out by the river thames and watched all these people jogging by. They must have been so sweaty- i was absolutely boiling and i was just sitting down!! After that i popped on the tube for covent garden- i had completely forgotten about the lifts! I'm not phobic or anything but i'd rather avoid them if i could- but unfortunately i couldnt. So that was probably the most unpleasant experience of the day. I listened to this little string quintet which was really cool and bought some Edward Monkton keyrings- if you havent seen his stuff you should search it out; he is so funny!! Then i sat and ate a youghurt before heading home. It just made me so grateful for all the stuff i have right at my doorstep that i just dont appreciate. The history of the land we walk on. I am a city person and i just think london is so gorgeous. I'm grateful to God for my life, my loves, my family, my town... I truly think that gratitude can dispell a whole lotta evils. I'm grateful.



As is becoming customary- this prayer is for today:

Found this on Worldprayer.org and thought it was quite relevant for me today so i'm sharing it.

Last night was the scariest night of my life, thus far and i pray ever! After the meeting a bunch of us decided to go over to Cotton's park in Romford to chat and for the lads to play football. so thats what we did. At about 9 people started trailing off so left was me, twig, chris, olly, jacob, ash, pete and tom. We started to leave the park and saw a bunch of chav lads waiting at the gates. As we started to pass they started yelling, so we ignored them and walked round to try and find another exit. Jacob saw a hole in the fence so we crept through that, but we were gonna have to walk past them again to get back to the hall- so we crossed the road thinking we would be ok. But they were stilling yelling and shouting and being antagonisitic. The boys turned round to see if everything was ok to see them climbing over the fence to get us- running at us with chains and stuff. Luckily we were right near a pub- opposite the Honda shop. someone yelled 'run in the pub' so we did. i was shaking so much. i was petrified. The blokes in the pub saw us run in and shut all the doors and guarded them. People came and told us to wait it out- it would be ok. I rang my daddy (!!) and got him to come and get me. After about 5-10 mins things had calm down. The landlady said the best thing for it would be to sneak out th exit- well my dad was on his way and so i didnt want to leave and chris wasnt leaving me on our own. So the others were taken out the back down and allyway opposite the brewery- they all ran round that way. My dad came and got me and chris and drove us to the hall. Everyone was safe luckily and it was ok but i have never been so scared. This wasnt a joke. these guys would have actually hurt us- badly. They were high on weed and drink and they were vicious. I am so grateful that pub was there and that we were ok. We were very lucky- or should i say very blessed.

What makes people want to do that? waht makes them think being violent is ok- for absolutely no reason?! What makes them want to threaten innocent people? There brains were addled by all the stuff they had been taking-but would like have been like that anyway?!! Why cant you go to a park and play football and be safe? i just never thought something like that would ever actually happen to me- or be threatened to me. its scary. i just dont feel safe anymore. i want to say i do- that with God i fear no evil, but i'm scared. I was scared. I was just praying over and over again- GOd keep us safe- and he did. But can he always? So many people arent- too many people arent. I know God watches them and me- but maybe my physical safety is up to me. Sorry to be so depressing. just needed to get it off my chest.