Maker of me,
You watch me from whatever distance I keep you at
and when I suddenly feel that you are not watching anymore
I feel you tap on my shoulder and tell me to look round.

Giver of love,
You provide me with the assurance I need to continue,
and when the world seems too hostile
you remind me there is only one approval I need, and I have it.

Fixer of broken things,
You ensure that there is always a safe path ahead,
and when I come to you with the mashed up rements of the things I broke
I know that you will piece it back together again - maybe not how it was, but how it needs to be.

Creator of home,
You tell me time and time again to 'be still and know'
and when I find myself on unfamilar ground
I just close my eyes and know that I am safe; you are home.

My mind is clogged with emotions and arguments, though I have no words to tell of them. I wish someone else would say how I felt, the ways songs have the ability to tap into the longings you didn't realise you needed to articulate. I need a more eloquent voice than mine to elucidate my frustrations. I need to know that I am not stood in 'the hallway' on my way. Neither in one place or another but the often frequented and rarely appreciated no-man's-land between life's 'rooms'. How did I become so cynical? So predisposed to judgement? Is it simply because things have got worse, that previously there was little to be cynical about? Or has life unearthed in me the darker side of my nature, that would rather revel in people's faults and hypocrisies than choose to view the brighter, lighter side of life?
Did Church fail me or did I fail Church? Did God fail me? Did either or both, or perhaps I let go of the propensity to try and failed myself?

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

I have not blogged in ages - this is because
I have nothing to say.
Partly, this worries me because having something to say is often a sign that you are working,
evolving,
questioning,
involved.
I have nothing to say.
Partly, this comforts me because it means I am not at odds with the world,
or with myself.
I have no need to argue.
However, there is lots I could argue with you about, if you would like?
Part of me misses the fight - it often teaches you more when you thought you already knew the answers.
Part of me is glad for the respite - I do not need to worry that I am on the wrong side,
or going to offend,
or take offence.

Deep down, I am glad I was able to shake hands, make peace and walk away blessed.
Deep down, I miss being fist to fist, skin to skin.

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

What do we do when we are disenchanted?

Pondering on why is it that so many people I know struggle with Church, I have grasped upon this term, which I read in a book recently, because I feel it expresses most authentically what I’m talking about.

Growing up in Church, in my experience, makes people more aware of God. However, the only vehicle they are given – especially so in the non-sacramental Salvation Army – to view God is people. I believe that people brought up in Church are lead to believe – and maybe even despite being told otherwise – that people are good and God is good. Christians are good people = God is good. In most cases, things work out for the best for people at Church = God is good.

So what happens when people aren’t good.

I am under the impression that many people who leave Church having been brought up in a Church family do not leave because they no longer believe in God. They may not have an active relationship with God, but they would probably say they still believed in God – were agnostic at worse. Most people leave Church because of people.

The people they were brought up believing were good are no longer the pillars of virtue that they thought. The people who they were brought up thinking cared, seemed to stop caring when they were no longer cute or went away for a while. The morals they thought everyone lived by only seem to apply when people are looking. People are no longer good = God is ?

When the sequins fall off and the glitter is no longer gleaming; when you become disenchanted and faith seems like a fairytale, where do you turn?

Is re-enchantment possible?

I do not think it is possible to go back to believing that everyone is good, and I do not think it would be sensible to do so. I also do not think people need to believe, or ever should be taught, that being a Christian fixes everything. So where does that leave the disenchanted? How do you see God past the people?

Ok- so it has taken me a while but here are my last 3 facts.

5. To me, the worst sound in the world is the noise of a through-train at the station.
6. I am allergic to facepaint. My skin goes all blotchy and I start to itch.
7. My arm span is one inch shorter than my height. (and for your information, Chris' is one inch longer. Made for each other! lol)
8. I was born in County Durham and until I was about 6, spoke with a geordie accent.

There you go. All there is interesting to know about me!

Ok, so Claire tagged me into this whole 8 random facts business - but like Dawn I may have to do this in slots. I am not that interesting.

1. When I lived in Germany, I had a rabbit named Snowball which had its head bitten off by a dog.
2. I have only ever been to hospital once - and that was because someone kicked my own shoe at my face.
3. I hate washing up being left in the sink. On the side is fine. But in the sink drives me insane.
4. I must be able to see, if not hold, the remote control at all times when I am in front of the tv.

Kirsty tagged me in on this - I'm sorry it has taken me so long to complete the task!

Five events and the opportunity to record the impact they had on you:

Princess Diana's death - 31 August 1997


I don't remember very much about the day that Princess Diana died, I was only 11 to be fair. I do remember the day of her funeral- mostly because I was bored. My Nana and grandad came round to watch it on the TV with my mum and dad. I remember moaning because it was boring to me. I didn't get why everyone was so interested in watching it. But still, i sat on the floor by my dad and watched the whole thing.

Margaret Thatcher's resignation - 22 November 1990

As I was only 4, it didn't really matter to me!

Attack on the twin towers - 11 September 2001

I was at school. I remember that it happened about lunch time and rumours started flying around about it but no one really knew what had happened or why. I vividly recall coming home to find my mum sat staring at the television, obviously shaken. I came in and sat with her. She just turned to me and said

And man, at war with man, hears not
The tidings which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife;
And hear the angels sing!

I didn't know what it was at the time, but I've found out since that it is a verse from 'It came upon the Midnight clear'. The whole verse goes -

Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the heavenly strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The tidings which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife;
And hear the angels sing!

I thought it seemed poignant to put it up in whole, on this, the anniversary.

England's World Cup semi final v Germany - 4 July 1990

Again, I was 4. I liked barbies, snails and climbing. Wierd combination i know. So, the England vs Germany semi final passed me by!

President Kennedy's Assassination - 22 November 1963

As with Kirsty, 'What? When?'

" Imperfect lives, including our own, may still be redeemed by perfect love."



Amen.

I was reminded in a book I was proofing of the dance track released a couple of years ago by Faithless; God is a DJ. I looked it up and the lyrics go like this:

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
It's a natural grace
Of watching young life shape
It's in minor keys
Solutions and remedies
Enemies becoming friends
When bitterness ends
This is my church

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
It's in the world I become
Content in the hum
Between voice and drum
It's in change
The poetic justice of cause and effect
Respect, love, compassion
This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt

For tonight
God is a DJ

It made me wonder. It made me question what my 'church' is; where it is. Where do I heal my hurts; where to I find my solutions; where is my pulse and my energy? I don’t know.

I am not writing this to make a point about our church, and I say that with the confidence that pretty much everyone that reads this is a member of my church. I say this because I want to know. Because I feel I have lost it and I miss it. I used to find it at the army but for some reason I don't anymore. I do not know if that is because I have become disillusioned or because I do not try or for some unfathomable reason unbeknownst to me as of yet.

But, wherever my 'church' went. It would be nice to have it back.

You have taught
helicopters that fall from never ending trees,
storks standing on one leg in the estuary
and 'King Arthur lived on that hill with his knights'.
Two tic-tacs plus three tic-tacs equals five.
Sums done.
You have shown
in our nights nothing to fear,
but thunder and lightning
repaired by milk, murmuring milly-molly-mandy.
Painting is a second language,
seeing the colour of the birds is our second sight.
Now almost fabled,
guru teachings.



Now you teach the black coal our of forefathers,
disintegrating to dust with Arthur Scargill.
No matter the adding up
the world has grown small
like your stories, signing sorrowfulness.
Now you show
yourself spinning as helicopter leaves to the ground;
burying yourself with King Arthur under myth.
The tide of your estuary erratic,
no view but the sinking sands.
Sight lost.



Fabled guru,
teacher
just answer your phone.


Charity Hamilton

I have a problem. A flaw in my belief system. A niggle of contradictory thought that worries me. You see, I believe in God. But I don’t believe that other people need to.

I find it frustrating when I hear Christians speak about how obviously our atheist and agnostic brothers and sisters need faith; when we speak of a ‘God-shaped hole’. Where is it, I ask? Why do they need Him, I wonder? Most of the non-Christian people I know are happy. They have problems, sure. But then again, so do I, and I believe in God. They have everything they need, and want. They are not lonely or miserable. They are not finding it difficult to unearth inner strength. They do not sit around pondering on the purpose of their lives. They are far too busy living their lives. If I told them they needed God, I’m sure their reaction would be much the same as mine. ‘Why?’ As Jim Watson, the co-discoverer of DNA once said “You can say ‘Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don’t think there’s a purpose’. But I’m anticipating a good lunch.”

A good lunch, you may argue, is not what life is about. A good lunch is not all there is to the day. This is true. But when you are pretty secure in the fact that you will have a good lunch, a good dinner and a good sleep- is there much that God is good for? How about an eternity in heaven, I hear the purist cry? What about the curse of Hell? Do they not fear the darkness of death; the unknown at the end? I mean, I’m happy to accept the ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card, but if that’s all that Church is about I think we could pull in more people by cutting out the boring stuff and having better advertising. What about an incentive scheme- sit through 10 sermons in a row and get a closer seat to the Almighty?

Surely to goodness, there’s something more to offer than that. I mean, I’m not even sure we can guarantee good seats, can we?

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in God for a reason. I know I do. But have we got to be so darn patronising about it? None of us are perfect. But even that pacifying cliché causes my blood pressure to rise. It’s perfectly clear we are not perfect. Does spelling it out make Christ more appealing?

Perhaps it is not God that causes my bemusement. Perhaps it is not His Holiness who I feel can be dismissed. Maybe our friends can live with or without Him. Perhaps it is just us I would prefer they ignored. And that dreaded placed that begins with a ‘C’.

“Christianity is spirituality and not a morality”
Discuss.

I have recently finished re-reading a book that I very much enjoyed. You may have read it, but if you haven’t I really do recommend it. It is a novel; ‘Plain Truth’ by Jodie Picoult. Just in case any of you do plan on reading it some day I will try and not give anything away but the basic outline is this: a young Amish woman is put on trial accused of murdering her newborn baby which was, coincidentally, born in secret out of wed-lock. Her attorney then moves in with this Amish family in order to formulate a defence. In the process she learns something not only about the Amish but about herself, which is, of course, the way! I shall get back to this later, but for now, back to the above.

Whilst proofreading a textbook on Christian Spirituality at work I read this line. Now, I didn’t know what to think of it at first and wrote in down on a scrap piece of paper just so I could think it over later. I am usually quite good at formulating an opinion. I am never above changing my opinion and I like to grapple with issues, so this is a good one for me. At first, I instinctively wanted to agree. You can be spiritual and not live the black and white, archaic rules out to the letter! Surely to goodness! The writer of this book then goes on to say how Christianity, following the example of Christ, “enables us to find for ourselves what is right rather than tell us, except in a general way, what it is.” But I am beginning to wonder, does this mean that our spirituality can be separated from our morality? I know people who would call themselves ‘spiritual’. They believe in God. They sometimes, and sometimes regularly, attend church. They pray. They praise. They think about God and discuss Him. But they make choices that to all intent and purpose are ‘immoral’. The out and out statements, which we can call ‘general’ or not, get pushed to the way side to be replaced with shady declarations of hedonistic intent. I am not claiming that I have never done this very same thing. That in my wisdom I have never exclaimed that God wouldn’t really mind if I …. as long as I was happy. I wasn’t really hurting anyone. The rules do seem a bit outdated now, anyway, don’t they? But however we justify our choice; does it make it not a sin? Are there not lines that shouldn’t be crossed? Not because they are even intrinsically wrong, and maybe the ‘world’ would never understand, maybe we never will, but are some things off limits just because God says so? Whether we actually agree or not. And if in my spiritual life, I call myself a Christian, can I really cross those lines and still maintain my spirituality without my morality?

This is where the book comes in. In trying to create a defence for our Amish protagonist, the life of the Amish people gets examined. In a statement of character witness her brother, who lives out in the big wide world now, states that Katie, the girl, could not have committed murder ‘simply because she’s Amish through and through.’ The faith of the girl resulted in life choices and a moral code. Throughout the book we see the dilemma of a modern court trying to correlate the religious life of the defendant with the charge brought against her. Was someone automatically unable to commit a crime because they associated themselves with a community that chose to live a different way? No, not typically. Are they if that community’s spirituality bids them to live by a certain moral code? I suppose, still no. But, would that community still be what it was if you took that code away.

I am not trying to create an understanding of the life choices of the Amish people, but rather, the life choices of us un-Amish Christians. It would be too far from the truth to say that I am a conservative Christian, that I take the fundamentals for what they are without question and that I follow the rules quietly. I do not. But at the same time, is following the rules the only thing I have to show that my insides count? Could I tell God that I loved him in my head and ponder the mysteries of the universe and then choose to lie to my friend and steal from my boss? Can my spirituality mean anything when my actions separate me from the God who had the rules written in stone?

I realise that I have written an awful lot just to pose more questions than I’ve answered. And I suppose whether in the end I agree or disagree, it will get me no closer to an easy life. If I believe that some things are immoral. That God ordained a way of life. What do I say to the people I love who don’t live by those same rules? If I choose to believe that I can separate the rules from my relationship what do I do to mark my covenant, to show that it matters? Can you be amorally spiritual or is our meeting with the Almighty as much about boundaries as it is about wings?