lost in conviction

My Psalm

2010-03-18T15:56:00.003Z

Maker of me,
You watch me from whatever distance I keep you at
and when I suddenly feel that you are not watching anymore
I feel you tap on my shoulder and tell me to look round.

Giver of love,
You provide me with the assurance I need to continue,
and when the world seems too hostile
you remind me there is only one approval I need, and I have it.

Fixer of broken things,
You ensure that there is always a safe path ahead,
and when I come to you with the mashed up rements of the things I broke
I know that you will piece it back together again - maybe not how it was, but how it needs to be.

Creator of home,
You tell me time and time again to 'be still and know'
and when I find myself on unfamilar ground
I just close my eyes and know that I am safe; you are home.

2009-08-28T15:35:00.005Z

My mind is clogged with emotions and arguments, though I have no words to tell of them. I wish someone else would say how I felt, the ways songs have the ability to tap into the longings you didn't realise you needed to articulate. I need a more eloquent voice than mine to elucidate my frustrations. I need to know that I am not stood in 'the hallway' on my way. Neither in one place or another but the often frequented and rarely appreciated no-man's-land between life's 'rooms'. How did I become so cynical? So predisposed to judgement? Is it simply because things have got worse, that previously there was little to be cynical about? Or has life unearthed in me the darker side of my nature, that would rather revel in people's faults and hypocrisies than choose to view the brighter, lighter side of life?
Did Church fail me or did I fail Church? Did God fail me? Did either or both, or perhaps I let go of the propensity to try and failed myself?

The God who wastes nothing.

Perhaps there is no failure. Is Church necessary for me to feel as though I am walking the path, or is Church the motorway of religious life - the quickfire bypass which smooths the way and straightens the path so that all can follow in an orderly fashion and arrive in good time at the destination of choice? Perhaps it is possible to meander the way or did I stop completely. Not in a positive "Let's enjoy the view" fashion, but rather a miserable depletion of fuel which led to a go-slow-and-stop. This was no sudden breakdown. I have not surprised myself with my lack of movement. There was a slowing down. Why did I not refuel? Is that the root cause of this unplanned yet unprevented pit stop - the lack of desire to move?

Maybe it is not another voice I need but another example. Someone to show that wandering the detour route is possible and even enjoyable.

Self-awareness, or maybe paranoia, tells me that I have always been a golf-buggy among Ford Escorts. I did not drive the same as my counterparts. My mind wandered. I explored the roundabouts while they took the flyovers- willing to trust the path that had been laid. No need to question the logic that had built it. In my naivety, i thought of myself as a fast mover. Someone who's mind stormed off into desolate places. I now realise that this may be the slower way to travel, though not necessarily as desolate as first thought.

I know - my head tells me and logic prevails to assure me - that I am not alone. Others have thought and felt like I have. Unfortunately, this doesn't alter the fact that I feel alone. That the path has not opened before me lit and newly tarmacked. I beat my way down a forest track. I know there is light, there will be an opening onto a smoother and greener plain. But I don't know how far that is and I cannot envisage what this 'green land' will look like. I cannot imagine myself on the other side.

God, I have no trauma or pain. I do not suffer or want. My life is far from difficult or empty. I just wish I knew you - wish that I saw you. I wish I could sit with you long enough to know the answers, or at least to know which were the right questions. Bidden or not bidden, I know you are present. Perhaps that will have to suffice. For now.

2009-04-27T12:57:00.000Z

If only we all knew.

2009-04-07T10:30:00.000Z

2009-03-06T10:07:00.001Z

Desiderata

2009-03-03T16:29:00.001Z

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter; for there will always be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs; for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals; and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue & loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be, and whatever your labours and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be careful. Strive to be happy.

2009-02-24T10:27:00.001Z

Augustine confessed, “Make me pure Lord, but not yet!”

As much as I am opposed to much of Augustinian theology – I think I am more like him than I would like to admit.

I don’t want to grow up. I don’t want to make the effort. I’m happy living like a pig in swill. Maybe one day it’ll catch up with me. But today I feel good, I thank God for my happiness and I put off the inevitable as I pray “Make me pure Lord, but not yet.”

Genesis 32

2009-02-03T11:02:00.003Z

I have not blogged in ages - this is because
I have nothing to say.
Partly, this worries me because having something to say is often a sign that you are working,
evolving,
questioning,
involved.
I have nothing to say.
Partly, this comforts me because it means I am not at odds with the world,
or with myself.
I have no need to argue.
However, there is lots I could argue with you about, if you would like?
Part of me misses the fight - it often teaches you more when you thought you already knew the answers.
Part of me is glad for the respite - I do not need to worry that I am on the wrong side,
or going to offend,
or take offence.

Deep down, I am glad I was able to shake hands, make peace and walk away blessed.
Deep down, I miss being fist to fist, skin to skin.

2009-02-03T11:01:00.001Z

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

2008-11-06T15:32:00.001Z

Cartoon by Dave Walker. Find more cartoons you can freely re-use on your blog at We Blog Cartoons.

Disenchanted

2008-10-31T15:29:00.001Z

What do we do when we are disenchanted?

Pondering on why is it that so many people I know struggle with Church, I have grasped upon this term, which I read in a book recently, because I feel it expresses most authentically what I’m talking about.

Growing up in Church, in my experience, makes people more aware of God. However, the only vehicle they are given – especially so in the non-sacramental Salvation Army – to view God is people. I believe that people brought up in Church are lead to believe – and maybe even despite being told otherwise – that people are good and God is good. Christians are good people = God is good. In most cases, things work out for the best for people at Church = God is good.

So what happens when people aren’t good.

I am under the impression that many people who leave Church having been brought up in a Church family do not leave because they no longer believe in God. They may not have an active relationship with God, but they would probably say they still believed in God – were agnostic at worse. Most people leave Church because of people.

The people they were brought up believing were good are no longer the pillars of virtue that they thought. The people who they were brought up thinking cared, seemed to stop caring when they were no longer cute or went away for a while. The morals they thought everyone lived by only seem to apply when people are looking. People are no longer good = God is ?

When the sequins fall off and the glitter is no longer gleaming; when you become disenchanted and faith seems like a fairytale, where do you turn?

Is re-enchantment possible?

I do not think it is possible to go back to believing that everyone is good, and I do not think it would be sensible to do so. I also do not think people need to believe, or ever should be taught, that being a Christian fixes everything. So where does that leave the disenchanted? How do you see God past the people?

Finishing Facts

2008-10-22T12:43:00.002Z

Ok- so it has taken me a while but here are my last 3 facts.

5. To me, the worst sound in the world is the noise of a through-train at the station.
6. I am allergic to facepaint. My skin goes all blotchy and I start to itch.
7. My arm span is one inch shorter than my height. (and for your information, Chris' is one inch longer. Made for each other! lol)
8. I was born in County Durham and until I was about 6, spoke with a geordie accent.

There you go. All there is interesting to know about me!

Random Facts

2008-10-02T12:40:00.003Z

Ok, so Claire tagged me into this whole 8 random facts business - but like Dawn I may have to do this in slots. I am not that interesting.

When I lived in Germany, I had a rabbit named Snowball which had its head bitten off by a dog.
I have only ever been to hospital once - and that was because someone kicked my own shoe at my face.
I hate washing up being left in the sink. On the side is fine. But in the sink drives me insane.
I must be able to see, if not hold, the remote control at all times when I am in front of the tv.

Cherry-picking

2008-09-25T08:45:00.000Z

I love it when, reading a book, you find someone telling you something you needed to hear – even though you weren’t sure of it. As though it were written just to tell you something. I’m sure I have written about this book before, its called Eat, Pray, Love.

I think you have every right to cherry-pick when it comes to moving your spirit
and finding peace in God. I think you are free to search for any metaphor
whatsoever which will take you across the worldly divide whenever you need to be
transported or comforted. It’s nothing to be embarrassed about. It’s the history
of mankind’s search for holiness. You take whatever works from wherever you can
find it, and you keep moving toward the light.

I so needed to hear that this morning.

I have been struggling with my spirituality. Struggling to define. Struggling to give it space. I feel like I just need space – a whole world of space to be nothing in. On Sunday, I had a slight epiphany and I realised that maybe the problem I am finding is that the language of the place I go to find space and the language of me are like two spheres that barely touch in the middle. There is no cross over between me and it. Conceptually, I get it. Philosophically, I see it. Culturally, I am comfortable in it. But somehow the language of it isn’t me. Maybe not universally, but certainly where I am.

I have been reading recently about Eastern Spiritually. I have been reading about peoples journeys through meditation. Through silence. Through not expecting anything. The language of the church is so much about doing or being done to – in such an exoteric way. It is not that that is intrinsically bad. It’s not. But I don’t want to do. And I don’t want to have no hand in the doing either. I want to find God in myself, the way the ancient yogi’s realised God was in and of themselves. No forceful coming, no born again – just waking up to oneself. Like I say, conceptually there is no difference between this and Christianity – except the language and the metaphor.

I have always struggled, pointlessly I may add, because I felt as though my cherry-picking of doctrine and metaphor made me a traitor to the cause. I felt as though I didn’t fit in. I say pointlessly, because I now realise that no one ever felt awkward about me but me.

I need space to be able to pick and choose if I want. I need space to meditate with sanskirt; pray to God while prostrating; believe in Jesus and petition to the universe. It isn’t about what make sense. It’s about the mode of transportation I need to cross the divide. So that is what I am going to do. I’m going to cherry-pick. In other, more well known, words:

That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight. Choosing my religion.

What were you doing when....

2008-09-11T09:21:00.002Z

Kirsty tagged me in on this - I'm sorry it has taken me so long to complete the task!

Five events and the opportunity to record the impact they had on you:

Princess Diana's death - 31 August 1997

I don't remember very much about the day that Princess Diana died, I was only 11 to be fair. I do remember the day of her funeral- mostly because I was bored. My Nana and grandad came round to watch it on the TV with my mum and dad. I remember moaning because it was boring to me. I didn't get why everyone was so interested in watching it. But still, i sat on the floor by my dad and watched the whole thing.

Margaret Thatcher's resignation - 22 November 1990

As I was only 4, it didn't really matter to me!

Attack on the twin towers - 11 September 2001

I was at school. I remember that it happened about lunch time and rumours started flying around about it but no one really knew what had happened or why. I vividly recall coming home to find my mum sat staring at the television, obviously shaken. I came in and sat with her. She just turned to me and said

And man, at war with man, hears not
The tidings which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife;
And hear the angels sing!

I didn't know what it was at the time, but I've found out since that it is a verse from 'It came upon the Midnight clear'. The whole verse goes -

Yet with the woes of sin and strife
The world has suffered long;
Beneath the heavenly strain have rolled
Two thousand years of wrong;
And man, at war with man, hears not
The tidings which they bring;
O hush the noise, ye men of strife;
And hear the angels sing!

I thought it seemed poignant to put it up in whole, on this, the anniversary.

England's World Cup semi final v Germany - 4 July 1990

Again, I was 4. I liked barbies, snails and climbing. Wierd combination i know. So, the England vs Germany semi final passed me by!

President Kennedy's Assassination - 22 November 1963

As with Kirsty, 'What? When?'

2008-08-28T13:08:00.003Z

" Imperfect lives, including our own, may still be redeemed by perfect love."

Amen.

My 'church'

2008-08-14T15:39:00.001Z

I was reminded in a book I was proofing of the dance track released a couple of years ago by Faithless; God is a DJ. I looked it up and the lyrics go like this:

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
It's a natural grace
Of watching young life shape
It's in minor keys
Solutions and remedies
Enemies becoming friends
When bitterness ends
This is my church

This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt
It's in the world I become
Content in the hum
Between voice and drum
It's in change
The poetic justice of cause and effect
Respect, love, compassion
This is my church
This is where I heal my hurt

For tonight
God is a DJ

It made me wonder. It made me question what my 'church' is; where it is. Where do I heal my hurts; where to I find my solutions; where is my pulse and my energy? I don’t know.

I am not writing this to make a point about our church, and I say that with the confidence that pretty much everyone that reads this is a member of my church. I say this because I want to know. Because I feel I have lost it and I miss it. I used to find it at the army but for some reason I don't anymore. I do not know if that is because I have become disillusioned or because I do not try or for some unfathomable reason unbeknownst to me as of yet.

But, wherever my 'church' went. It would be nice to have it back.

2008-07-25T13:58:00.003Z

You have taught
helicopters that fall from never ending trees,
storks standing on one leg in the estuary
and 'King Arthur lived on that hill with his knights'.
Two tic-tacs plus three tic-tacs equals five.
Sums done.
You have shown
in our nights nothing to fear,
but thunder and lightning
repaired by milk, murmuring milly-molly-mandy.
Painting is a second language,
seeing the colour of the birds is our second sight.
Now almost fabled,
guru teachings.

Now you teach the black coal our of forefathers,
disintegrating to dust with Arthur Scargill.
No matter the adding up
the world has grown small
like your stories, signing sorrowfulness.
Now you show
yourself spinning as helicopter leaves to the ground;
burying yourself with King Arthur under myth.
The tide of your estuary erratic,
no view but the sinking sands.
Sight lost.

Fabled guru,
teacher
just answer your phone.

Charity Hamilton

Is God worth more than a good lunch?

2008-07-22T14:42:00.000Z

I have a problem. A flaw in my belief system. A niggle of contradictory thought that worries me. You see, I believe in God. But I don’t believe that other people need to.

I find it frustrating when I hear Christians speak about how obviously our atheist and agnostic brothers and sisters need faith; when we speak of a ‘God-shaped hole’. Where is it, I ask? Why do they need Him, I wonder? Most of the non-Christian people I know are happy. They have problems, sure. But then again, so do I, and I believe in God. They have everything they need, and want. They are not lonely or miserable. They are not finding it difficult to unearth inner strength. They do not sit around pondering on the purpose of their lives. They are far too busy living their lives. If I told them they needed God, I’m sure their reaction would be much the same as mine. ‘Why?’ As Jim Watson, the co-discoverer of DNA once said “You can say ‘Gee, your life must be pretty bleak if you don’t think there’s a purpose’. But I’m anticipating a good lunch.”

A good lunch, you may argue, is not what life is about. A good lunch is not all there is to the day. This is true. But when you are pretty secure in the fact that you will have a good lunch, a good dinner and a good sleep- is there much that God is good for? How about an eternity in heaven, I hear the purist cry? What about the curse of Hell? Do they not fear the darkness of death; the unknown at the end? I mean, I’m happy to accept the ‘Get out of Jail Free’ card, but if that’s all that Church is about I think we could pull in more people by cutting out the boring stuff and having better advertising. What about an incentive scheme- sit through 10 sermons in a row and get a closer seat to the Almighty?

Surely to goodness, there’s something more to offer than that. I mean, I’m not even sure we can guarantee good seats, can we?

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in God for a reason. I know I do. But have we got to be so darn patronising about it? None of us are perfect. But even that pacifying cliché causes my blood pressure to rise. It’s perfectly clear we are not perfect. Does spelling it out make Christ more appealing?

Perhaps it is not God that causes my bemusement. Perhaps it is not His Holiness who I feel can be dismissed. Maybe our friends can live with or without Him. Perhaps it is just us I would prefer they ignored. And that dreaded placed that begins with a ‘C’.

To believe is to do the .... thing

2008-07-04T15:48:00.000Z

“Christianity is spirituality and not a morality”
Discuss.

I have recently finished re-reading a book that I very much enjoyed. You may have read it, but if you haven’t I really do recommend it. It is a novel; ‘Plain Truth’ by Jodie Picoult. Just in case any of you do plan on reading it some day I will try and not give anything away but the basic outline is this: a young Amish woman is put on trial accused of murdering her newborn baby which was, coincidentally, born in secret out of wed-lock. Her attorney then moves in with this Amish family in order to formulate a defence. In the process she learns something not only about the Amish but about herself, which is, of course, the way! I shall get back to this later, but for now, back to the above.

Whilst proofreading a textbook on Christian Spirituality at work I read this line. Now, I didn’t know what to think of it at first and wrote in down on a scrap piece of paper just so I could think it over later. I am usually quite good at formulating an opinion. I am never above changing my opinion and I like to grapple with issues, so this is a good one for me. At first, I instinctively wanted to agree. You can be spiritual and not live the black and white, archaic rules out to the letter! Surely to goodness! The writer of this book then goes on to say how Christianity, following the example of Christ, “enables us to find for ourselves what is right rather than tell us, except in a general way, what it is.” But I am beginning to wonder, does this mean that our spirituality can be separated from our morality? I know people who would call themselves ‘spiritual’. They believe in God. They sometimes, and sometimes regularly, attend church. They pray. They praise. They think about God and discuss Him. But they make choices that to all intent and purpose are ‘immoral’. The out and out statements, which we can call ‘general’ or not, get pushed to the way side to be replaced with shady declarations of hedonistic intent. I am not claiming that I have never done this very same thing. That in my wisdom I have never exclaimed that God wouldn’t really mind if I …. as long as I was happy. I wasn’t really hurting anyone. The rules do seem a bit outdated now, anyway, don’t they? But however we justify our choice; does it make it not a sin? Are there not lines that shouldn’t be crossed? Not because they are even intrinsically wrong, and maybe the ‘world’ would never understand, maybe we never will, but are some things off limits just because God says so? Whether we actually agree or not. And if in my spiritual life, I call myself a Christian, can I really cross those lines and still maintain my spirituality without my morality?

This is where the book comes in. In trying to create a defence for our Amish protagonist, the life of the Amish people gets examined. In a statement of character witness her brother, who lives out in the big wide world now, states that Katie, the girl, could not have committed murder ‘simply because she’s Amish through and through.’ The faith of the girl resulted in life choices and a moral code. Throughout the book we see the dilemma of a modern court trying to correlate the religious life of the defendant with the charge brought against her. Was someone automatically unable to commit a crime because they associated themselves with a community that chose to live a different way? No, not typically. Are they if that community’s spirituality bids them to live by a certain moral code? I suppose, still no. But, would that community still be what it was if you took that code away.

I am not trying to create an understanding of the life choices of the Amish people, but rather, the life choices of us un-Amish Christians. It would be too far from the truth to say that I am a conservative Christian, that I take the fundamentals for what they are without question and that I follow the rules quietly. I do not. But at the same time, is following the rules the only thing I have to show that my insides count? Could I tell God that I loved him in my head and ponder the mysteries of the universe and then choose to lie to my friend and steal from my boss? Can my spirituality mean anything when my actions separate me from the God who had the rules written in stone?

I realise that I have written an awful lot just to pose more questions than I’ve answered. And I suppose whether in the end I agree or disagree, it will get me no closer to an easy life. If I believe that some things are immoral. That God ordained a way of life. What do I say to the people I love who don’t live by those same rules? If I choose to believe that I can separate the rules from my relationship what do I do to mark my covenant, to show that it matters? Can you be amorally spiritual or is our meeting with the Almighty as much about boundaries as it is about wings?

...what are friends for?

2008-06-20T14:14:00.002Z

After quite a few different conversations and blogs and recent reminders, the idea of friendship is in my head.

What are friends for? I have a brilliant group of friends whom I adore and without whom I do not think I could survive all the panic-induced mini fits that strike me all too often in everyday life. Without them my life would not only be full of a lot more fear, but missing more joy than is describable. I am honoured to be able to include my sister in my list of closest friends, along with my new fiance! But, what is the duty of these people as my friend, and what is my duty to them?

Is it my duty to tell them when they have done something wrong- whether than has been calculated biblically, emotionally, by moral codes or gok wan's dress codes? Is it my duty to make sure they are aware of there failings or does standing up against what is wrong have to go hand in hand with judging someones choices?

Is it possible to 'judge' your friends and still be 'friends' with them?

I am aware of the inadequacies, if i may, of the people I love the most. I am aware of the times that they have chosen to stroll along a moral walk-way that veers off into a darker and mistier part of the woods than I would choose to go. I am aware of their regrets and the things they wouldn't dream of repenting- regardless of other's opinions. And despite this, I have never looked at any one of these people and been ashamed. I have never looked at any one of these people and been embaressed of them. I have never looked at any one of these people and wanted to point out the weaknesses in them. Despite my awareness.

I have sinned. I have been broken and rebuilt and turned into a resemblance of a dropped mug a five year old superglues back together. I have been nasty and vindictive. I have been heartless. I have chosen to do things that I am sure walk me into dark corners of other people's moral pathways. but if I, lacking as I do, can be a friend- then how much more can God be a friend to me. I don't dare suggest that God can accept sin or that my relationship with God does not require my repentance gratefully met with His forgiveness. I just marvel at how, if the measly amount of love I have allows me to over look another's inadequecies, how much more God must be able to see past, to see the best of me.

This is quickly becoming one of my favourite poems, I love you, by Roy Croft. For my friends...if they read this.

I love you,

Not only for what you are,

But for what I am

When I am with you.

I love you,

Not only for what

You have made of yourself,

But for what

You are making of me.

I love you

For the part of me

That you bring out;

I love you

For putting your hand

Into my heaped-up heart

And passing over

All the foolish, weak things

That you can't help

Dimly seeing there,

And for drawing out

Into the light

All the beautiful belongings

That no one else had looked

Quite far enough to find.

I love you because you

Are helping me to make

Of the lumber of my life

Not a tavern

But a temple;

Out of the works

Of my every day

Not a reproach

But a song.

I Love you

Because you have done

More than any creed

Could have done

To make me good,

And more than any fate

Could have done

To make me happy.

You have done it

Without a touch,

Without a word,

Without a sign.

You have done it

By being yourself.

Perhaps that is what

Being a friend means,

After all.

Happy times!

2008-06-11T15:30:00.004Z

Just thought I'd let you all know, unless you already saw on facebook, that I am engaged! Chris proposed whilst we were away on holiday. It's all good stuff! Sorry the pictures a bit blurry but just wanted to show off!! shameless, i know.

2008-05-30T15:19:00.002Z

"In any case, if it's only Christians who go to heaven, I think God prefers to go to hell with the rest of humanity."

- Elias Chacour

Archbishop of Galilee

( From 'Faith Beyond Despair'

to be published by Canterbury Press)

logic of power

2008-04-15T15:43:00.003Z

I saw this picture today on someone else's blog and had to steal it. It is just to true on so many levels.

Just a few statistics I found.

A survey from August 2007 put the death toll as a result of the Iraqi conflict at 1,033,000

Since Sept 2000, 119 Israeli children have been killed, as have 982 Palestinian children.

In 2007, amnesty international claims that at least 3,347 people were sentenced to death in 51 countries in violation of human rights.

1 in 3 women will be affected by domestic violence.

These are just a few.

Holy

2008-04-08T10:40:00.003Z

You are free to cringe at the absurdity of what I am about to do. A white girl from Essex is about to quote 2Pac talking about God. Yes, that is correct.

"Never forget, that God hasn't finished with me yet
I feel his hand on my brain
When I write rhymes, I go blind, and let the lord do his thing
But am I less holy
Cause I choose to drink a beer with my homies
Before we find world peace
We gotta find peace and end the war on the streets

Lord can you hear me speak!!"

Ok, so it might seem a little strange but I had a music channel on in the background the other day while I was doing work and I looked up just in time to hear these words. I was really struck by it. Is he (or was he) less holy? Do we make value judgements about who is holy and who isn't- about what holiness looks like?

I understand that you can quote me St Paul and his 'in the world but not of it' verses. But who decides what of the world is bad and what is good?

Take drinking, for example, the Salvation Army has a policy that if you choose to become a Senior Soldier you shall not drink alcohol. I am not writing to oppose it- because people choose to make that commitment and choose to follow that rule, it seems sensible infact. But has that sensible; and for its time inclusive, ruling become a yard stick to judge what is holiness and what isn't? Holy are those who abstain from alcohol and unholy are those who don't. Just an example, I'm sure I could find many more.

I know holiness is a huge issue in itself. The problem, I suppose, with being a religious is that noone can tell you what it is and what it looks like in your life. I must find the holiness of my own. My path to communion with God. I just have to recognise that any judgement I make about anyone's holiness takes me further and further from being holy myself.

Believe what you're told!

2008-03-25T13:52:00.004Z

Unfortunately, time doesn't stop. As a consequence of which I have 2500 words of my dissertation still to complete and 2 essays and only 6 weeks. In this vein, yesterday I sat to try and do some dissertation work and found that my brain didnt want to play. I thought talking it through would help and so started a discussion with my mother. Now, hence the blog...

You may or may not be aware that for my dissertation I am looking into the issue of suffering and evil. Because that is so huge I am looking at it from a particular angle- So, as part of talking around this issue we got onto the matter of original sin. Now, I don’t believe in original sin. The reason I don’t is because it doesn’t actually say anywhere in Genesis that all from that point on will be born inherently sinful and because the whole discussion is just annoyingly frustrating. Some man a more than a thousand years ago came up with this theory that sperm infected babies with sin and the church went- oh yes, sounds good, and now a thousand years later it has seeped into the Christian consciousness. I was talking to my mother yesterday about this and she threw original sin into the equation- I asked her to show me how that was true- and she couldn’t. (This is not purely a rant about o.s or my mother, just so I don’t lose you!)

And all this got me thinking, how many other pieces of Christian ‘fact’ have people heard and swallowed without actually thinking it through? When a man or a woman stands on a platform and starts speaking, do we run the risk of not making them accountable for what it is they preach? How many times do we or should we challenge those who minister to us?

Don’t get me wrong- you can believe me or not when I say this- but it isn’t that I want church to become a place of scepticism and suspicion. It just worries me, especially in this modern climate of 'fear of fanaticism', that we would accept what someone tells us about God as true without questioning it. That we would lay down and let, at times I fear, illogical arguments become our foundations. I know I often speak in generalised terms and I feel I should make it clear that I am not assuming that those who read this do not question things they are told or that what we are being told is wrong. It's just that I’m all too aware that you shouldn’t believe everything you hear.

I am, I am often reminded by my nearest theology buddies, a bit of a heretic. You could, fairly accurately at times, accuse me of being cantankerous. But i think its important. I think it is important that you know what it is you believe. I think it is important that know where what you believe came from. I think it is important that you understand what it is that leads you to believe these things. I think it is important that when someone tells me that christianity is wrong because of this, this and this, I can say yeah, i know what you're talking about but have you thought about that, that and that.

I think it is important that we don't watch ourselves, like lemmings, being thrown off the cliff of intellectual debate with no hope of saving ourselves. I know that faith isnt rational. I know that logic fails where God wins, I know that my heart and my head can simultaneously walk in two separate directions and both be right but I also know that I can't be accused of following along blindly.

"When faith becomes blind, it dies." Gandhi

Symbols vs existance

2008-03-08T12:54:00.004Z

i wish i had something very insightful to say that would interest you all, unfortunatly I dont. I only have the brief wondering that interested me! so tough!

For one of my last ever essays (boo hoo hoo!) I have chosen to look at feminine images of God in post-holocaust jewish theology. which probably doesnt sound all that interesting but I'm quite enjoying it. I never particularly thought of myself as a feminist but being at uni has created more of a feminist streak in me. Dont get me wrong-i'm not gonna start going on about the oppression of women (chris hates it! despite the fact that many women in many places are oppressed. but then again so are men, but thats not the point) In researching this topic, and looking at how people define God I found this quote.

“Religious symbols are neither arbitrary or inert. They are significant and powerful communications through which a religious community expresses a sense of itself and its universe. Religious symbols give resonance and authority to a community’s self-understanding.”

The woman who wrote this, Judith Plaskow, was trying to address the fact that male dominated language bout God has become what God is. Sometimes the language that sits on top of what is being describes, becomes what the described thing is. God is no longer formless and indescribable yet given male terminology to make things easier. God is understood by many as a man- with all that that encompasses. I know I have spoken a lot before about definition and the need for people to define themselves and those around them. It is a natural human tendency but do we miss what is truly there in doing so. Buddhism teaches that it is only by completely removing yourself from the social constriants that live in your own mind and cause you to be how you are that you find your true being and the true importance//worthlessness of everything around you. Do Christians need to be Buddhist when it comes to viewing God?

It's ok

2008-02-11T12:47:00.000Z

I thought it was time to update anybody who happens to pass by my blog on what is going on in my life. As you may or may not know, mum and dad got marching orders last week. So in the summer they are going to be moving on and for the first time, me and rachel are not. We are going to rent a place and live in Romford- make ourselves a little home here. Its a good feeling to know that in some ways I'm settled. But this process of 'settling' is like living in an earthquake. I need to finish my degree, find a job, find a place to live. I need to sort out my finiacial situation and the practicalities that I know need to be addressed for my life. In truth, it wouldn't really make a difference if mum and dad were moving or not, I still need to address these things. I think every graduate in the country is living in the same storm- its one of those things. Dont get me wrong- i'm not unhappy. I'm a little excited actually. I know that everything always works out ok in the end. But I would still value your prayers in getting everything in order!

On a completely different note- I had a conversation a while back with my mum and with a friend from uni about what it means to be trinitarian. Christians believe in the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. As much as people say we are monotheisitc, we are not. Not truly. That understanding loses something of what being Trinitarian offers us. I see it this way- as a Christian you can live your faith standing on one of three platforms (or move about of course).

[disclaimer- these are all my perceptions and none are intended to seem any better or worse then any others, its just something I've noticed.]

There are those who stand on the 'Spirit'- their faith is about leading and direction. They focus their prayer and their hopes on revival, on spirit-filled life. Their faith is practiced like water-worshippers. Waiting for the rain or rejoicing in the downpour. The spirit is their spiritual home.

Then, there are the Christ-ians. In Christ they see everything they feel they ever needed. They find hope and comfort in seeing a God who looks like them and lived like them whilst still being God himself. The example of Christ and the significance of his sacrifice strike awe and wonder in their hearts. They pray to their 'Lord Jesus Christ' and make living as he lived their lives goal. Christ is their home.

And finally, the camp I think I stand on- those who stand on God, on Being alone. If a verse could some up the faith of those in this camp it would be 'Be still and know that I am God'. They stand in a place of recognition that God is God and that is all that is needed. The silence and security that God offers is valuable to those who will always remember that they are children of the Father. He is their home.

As I said, I dont think any lillypad of faith is any less worthy or spiritual than the others. And I think at some point in the Christian journey people step from one to the other hoping to experience all that the Trinity has to offer. As a follower of a Trinitarian faith, I do not want to undermine the wonder that my 'three in one' God has to extended to me.

Just though I'd copy you the words of a song I like- its by Nichole Nordeman- its called 'Home'.

Bright are the stars that shine

In somebody else's sky

Green is the grass that grows some place different

more possibilities more than you offered me

More than I care to see from a distance

I was certain that the Truth would be

in a place that kept eluding me but

every stone turned and unturned again

would only serve to prove that

I never had to move to find you

And you will always be

The only love I'll ever know, home

You you have made for me

the only place i'll ever go, home

God for the shameless pride

The times when I rolled my eyes

To laugh at simplicity show me mercy

Knowing what I now now

Its hard to imagine how

I could feel anything but unworthy

And The Mystery of your love for me

Is not as hidden as it seemed to be

Should have known then when you said to me

"seek and you will find"

It was right there all the time

And you will always be

The only love I'll ever know, home

You you have made for me

the only place i'll ever go, home

The sin of self-negation

2008-01-07T17:26:00.000Z

I will write about this at some point later, i just wanted to post it so I didnt forget. It comes from the book 'Original Blessing' by Matthew Fox.

The Sin of self-negation: " This sin consists of the refusal to love oneself well, the refusal to celebrate both one's dignity and one's responsibility. When people sin in this way they become suckers for hero-worship, for projecting onto others thier own dinity as images of God. Whether these others at matinee idols or religious ones, whether alive or dead, makes no difference. The sin of refusal to acknowledge one's own dignity remains the same...This sin has everything to do with the triumph of death over life...in it the microcosm of the human person refuses to ripen and to live. With it all light and life are snuffed out and the wonderful ways of the Via Positiva, the great delight that that creation is meant to give to the Creator God, is forgotten."

New look

2007-12-23T23:38:00.000Z

I hope you like the new layout. It is to go with the new year- my journey, if you will.

Please ignore the tabs, I am unsure as of how to get rid of them. Any ideas?

uncomfortable itch

2007-12-23T22:51:00.000Z

there is someone who I know who isn't around very much, but when I see them I always become very jealous. I am not going to mention names. And I know that jealousy is not a good thing- but I wonder if it is productive.

I am jealous because she appears to buzz off God and life and just being. She seems to genuinely seek Gods heart and she offers no apology for answering questions with 'Ask the man upstairs!'. It is not just that she is living the life that God wants for her- its that that fact shines from her.

(please be aware that what follows may seem to be compliment seeking self-pity. It is genuienely not!)

I worry that I am none of these things. It is what I so want for myself but have never achieved. Every year my resolution is to grow in my relationship with God and although think I do move forward- it just isn't...well, i dont buzz. This is not God's fault and I do not feel spiritually bereft. I just want more- but I never seem to put in more effort.

Whenever I see this person I promise myself that I will dedicate myself to prayer. That I will focus myself to make God central. Then the next day comes and its same old same old.

But again I make the same resolution, the same plea to myself- seek God's heart this year. Seek God's guidance each day. Seek His comfort first and not last. Seek his peace before and not as the last resort. Seek His strength to do that which I didn't think I could do, not just as a back up to that with which I think i'll do fine. Seek His gifts so that next year I will not come again to write about how I am unchanged.

I challenge myself to try. and maybe next time I see this friend, I will have no reason for jealousy- just for gratitude.

An opportunity

2007-12-04T15:44:00.000Z

Life is a bit strange at the moment. I don't think anything can prepare you for your final year at university. There is a jump which is as daunting as it is different from starting university in the first place; contemplating finishing university. People who know me well understand that I like to have a plan. 'like' might not do justice to how much I rely upon my plans. I have a diary, a day wall planner. I have lists and post its. I have general ideas and I know how things are going to work out. I plan for eventuality's which may or may not happen- just in case. I don't think this is a bad thing- organisation cannot be a fault, can it?

I was talking to someone the other day. I was recalling a conversation I once had with my mum- she told me that she has known since I was tiny that if I was never scared I would never do anything. Fear is my motivator. I am scared of failure so I make sure I don't fail. I'm scared of getting lost so I always prepare for where I'm going etc etc. I know this about myself and I have never really thought it is a bad thing. Until the woman I was talking to turned around and said 'And you call yourself a woman of faith'.

I was a bit blown away. I had never really thought that my fear undermined my faith before. I mean, as scared as I am most of the time, I think if I didn't have faith I wouldn't be able to move for phobia's. She was sure that believing in God meant you had nothing to be afraid of- and maybe she is right to some degree. But now I am struggling.

I don't know what is going to happen next. My plans are not concrete and try as I might to work things through in my mind for every eventuality I am stuck. I do not know if I am going to be able to finish my degree as I wanted to. I do not know if I am going to be able to find a job. I do not know a lot of things about what is going to happen to me come June next year. I am clueless and no amount of buying post-its is going to help. I mean, I do have a little bit of a plan. If I didn't I would probably be dead. But it isnt as sorted as I would like it to be. And I wonder, is this an opportunity? Am I meant to leave this is God's hands and see where the cards fall? Does my terror at not knowing mean that I trust God any less to do that than I have at other points in my life?

God has never led me wrong. (Halleujah! (for Liz!) I believe that He knows more about me than I will ever know about myself. I just hope he knows that I don't want my fear to be an offence to Him. (But I still really would appreciate knowing!!)

Logging on

2007-11-08T16:06:00.000Z

I am wasting time sat in the library and I could be doing an essay if someone hadn't taken out every single book about the topic! urgh!

I was thinking today how grateful I am that Jesus doesn't use a computer. I am at the moment going through a graduate application process that is computerised. There are loads of online stages and computerised tests before you are lucky enough to get to the stage of actually meeting someone. I am holding out hope that I can be good at computerised tests for a few more weeks because I just keep telling myself, If I can meet these people, then I can show them that I can do this. If I can meet someone, I can tell them why I want this. If I get to chat to a real person I can explain what I am good at, what i need help with and why they really really really do want to employ me. But i have to jump through all these hoops before I get a shot at doing that, and in the process I am growing ever more doubtful that I will get that far. (but I can live in hope!)

It just makes me realise how great it is that I can meet jesus every day. That I dont have to jump through hoops and pass a test and then convince him that he wants me. He has met me, he wants me and I dont have to keep selling myself to him. I'm sold. I can meet with the real Jesus every day and tell him what I'm good at, what I need help with and hear him tell me that he really really really does want me. full stop.

'Radical'? Haven't even done my hair yet!

2007-10-25T13:30:00.000Z

Ok, so I’ve had a bit of a niggling issue of late.

I am annoyed by the call for ‘radical Christianity’. Let me explain why.

Nobody can define in a nice, succinct and actually useful way what radical is. It is just this feeling of living every day radically in tune with Christ and going wherever he calls us to go.

Problem one, that isn’t radical. That’s just Christianity.

People are looking towards the examples, biblical and otherwise, of radically Christians and wishing that they could emulate that faith and vision. Here comes problems number 2 and 3.

Problem 2, why are people trying to have the faith of someone else’s journey?

God’s calling for your life of faith is individual and unique- don’t undervalue your part and the piece God calls you for. And don’t think you are ‘better’ than being called to a ‘measly’ Christian in a ‘secular job’.
Sometimes I worry that this call for radical discipleship is either more about trying to make ourselves feel more of worth when we have worth anyway, or about thinking we are more than what we are and trying to show off how wonderfully spiritual we are.

Problem 3, I doubt that any of these example so called radical Christianity, or at least very few of them, woke up one day and said to themselves ‘I think I am going to start living like a radical Christian today!’. I think they probably did what felt completely natural as the course of there lives- ok, maybe natural isn’t the best word.

Let’s look at David for a second- he was called aside to be anointed to be the King of Israel after looking after some sheep. He then went off to the site of war- just to give his brothers lunch. Then he ended up killing a giant, probably not the most natural situation he faced everyday but he did it just the way he killed wolves. He didn’t wake up and think- ‘woah, today I’m gonna be as radical as possible, become King, kill a giant’- he lived his life willing to follow the call of God and use his natural God-given gifts. It was the ‘natural’ course of his life- because it was what his life was meant to be.

My point isn’t that people aren’t called to do unbelievable things, and it isn't that we don't need to have a renewed focus in getting to the heart of God. But, if I may be so bold as to say, I live everyday surrounded by parents that are incredible examples of Christianity- that some may say is radical. But my dad, he likes watching flog it and walking to tesco’s in the dark to read his paper at blooming 5.30 in the morning! My mum can’t work out what apostrophes are for and gets annoyed if rubbish is left on the coffee table. They aren’t radical people. They are just Christian people. Christianity is radical.

So how about I just try to be in relationship with God everyday and in everything and see where it gets me.

Update

2007-10-09T15:58:00.000Z

Just thought I'd update you all- i am still alive.

University is a bit more stressful this year. I already feel as though I am falling behind. I haven't even started my dissertation and my essays are coming along slowly! I really thought that I would savour this year- not want it to end- but in truth I am tired. I sick of living in limbo. I love learning- i love theology but i want a 'real life'. A job. A path. I feel like I am just stuck at the moment. I think this year is just constantly a time of preoccupation. You can't focus on one thing- my mind is always trying to be in 5 places at once! Job searching, essays, dissertation, resumes, aptitude tests, research, money, work etc etc. If time could just stop, I would be grateful.

I feel like I am missing so much at home as well. Romford is such a good place to be and there are so many people there that I love. I feel out of the loop.

Sorry that this is such a moany blog. I will aim to bring you a positive update on life later.

I found this prayer- it is my wish for myself.

Today, like every other day,

we wake up empty and frightened.

Don't open the door to the study and begin reading.

Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.

There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

sufi mystic - jelaluddin rumi - 13th century

The infalibility of the Bible

2007-09-04T19:11:00.000Z

So I came up with an idea for a new blog, finally.

Since, well, forever really I have struggled with the concept that the Bible is infallible. i have gone so far as to claim that I do not believe the Bible to be infalible- to some extent, doing my degree has given me proof that the Bible is, at times, wrong. However, I am not sharing this so you will all throw in the towel, regard the gospels as rubbish and hail John Ortberg as your saviour- I was just setting the scene.
Today I read this:

"When you hear people say they are just going to tell you what the Bible means, it is not true. They are telling you what they think it means. They are giving their opinions about the Bible. I am giving you my opinion, my interpretation of what it says. And the more I insist that i am giving you the objective truth of what it really says, the less objective I am actually being.

The Bible has to be interpreted. Decisions have to be made about what it means now, today... When was the last time you saw a Christian greet each other with a holy kiss? Or how about women wearing head coverings? Or slaves having to obey their masters? These are all commands which appear in the Bible. And yet thay are followed. This is because someone somewhere made a decision about those texts. Somebody in your history decided that some verses still apply and others don't.

[In order to make those decisions] we must understand that the Bible did not drop out of the sky. It was written by people. People who told stories and passed on oral traditions...To take statements made in a letter from one person living in a real place at a moment in history writing to another person living in a real place out of their context and apply them to today without first understanding their oringinal context sucks the life out of them.

They aren't first and foremost timeless truths.

We may and usually do find timeless truths present in the Bible, but it is because they were true in real places for real people at real times. "

Sorry that quote was rather long. It is taken from Velvet Elvis by Rob Bell. Rob Bell isn't specifically discussing the falibility or infalibility of the Bible, and none of the above statements are spoken in a derogetry sense. Yet, reading it I could help thinking- The Bible can't be correct when everyone thinks correct is something different! I believe, as I always have, that the Bible is the word of God but I don't think it ends there. I can't claim to have the Word of God and then stop. The world doesn't work like that, and God doesn't work like that. God is ever-changing, ever moving, evey forming. He is eternally creating, eternally begetting. He is always willing to start again, always willing to re-jig plans . And that's how scripture has got to be. Every time you look through a keiloscope, you amaze at the new image, you don't need to spend your time arguing about whether this image is better or more real than the one before. Its just different.

Before I get more off the point, it just seems to me that the Bible is as truthful as I am. Because it was written by people like me. But I would never be as bold as to claim that this is exactly how it is, forever. If so why do we not do it all, as it was. Exactly the same forever. Because the church realised that following the Spirit doesn't necessarily follow a 'rule book' but searches for guidance wherever it can be found. The example of the men and women of our past show me how to live a life which honours God. They don't demand me to accept them with an air of finality.

I havent really covered this as I wished to cover it because I could go on forever. I feel like arguing against myself- but as Christopher has just reminded me- this is not an essay! Let me know what you think!

Too long

2007-08-24T14:54:00.000Z

Ok. so its been over a month now since I last blogged so I should probably have something to say but I dont really so I'll just blabber on a bit. Today is mine and Chris' three year anniversary- woo! lol, well thats something to say anyway.
You may or may not know that my dad has gone to Peru to deal with emergency relief for the earthquake. It was a massive one at 8.5 on the richter scale and the aftershocks are quite bad. Dad has been caught in one of 5 on the richter scale. He's blogging though when he can so check that out! (See my links: aptly named 'Dad')
Its been a bit of an odd summer for me really. I have been splitting my time between two jobs. Hadleigh Training Centre- where I ususally am- and the place where I did work experience. SCM offered me a part time job and being there has been really cool. Getting to do something different. I feel like this summer has just flown past. Now i'm going into my last year! AHHH! I am so disorganised. I dont have a clue about my dissertation or what I want to do or anything. Its so scary- all I know is education. In only 10 months time that will be gone and I'll actually have to get a real life! I wish I could just look forward one year and see that it works out ok and then come back. a little light time travel with my evening meal. I think that would be good.

I found a verse that I am gonna try and live by. Theres this bit in God is Closer than you think where John Ortberg says- imagine what your life would be like if you actually lived liked God had it all in control, like God was actually closer than you think. A verse in Psalm 16 says 'I have set the Lord before me. Because He is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.' Hopefully, i can remember that and it will be ok.

FINISHED!

2007-07-21T17:16:00.000Z

Its over! I only very nearly cried. I can't believe its over. Quick, someone finish it so I have someone to talk to!

The most excting night of my life, thus far!

2007-07-20T18:55:00.000Z

Tonight is the night!!

HARRY POTTER IS RELEASED!

Dad and I have packed our chairs and our little picnic and shall be setting off for Lakeside in a little while to join in the final ever Potter Mania!! I dont even have a costume. I'm quite disappointed with myself. Its gonna be great. I love them. I first started reading Harry Potter when I was 13 years old. I am now 20. I have grown up with these books and I am not ashamed to say that I am probably going to cry and cry when I get to the end.

I love it though. And i love that in this day and age people of every age and nationality are all so excited about this book, rather than a film or celebrity or inane object. Books teach you. They help you create a world full to the brim in your own imagination. I want my children to know that excitment of a world all in writing where anything can happen and you can see it all in your mind. I have purposefully not watched any of the Harry Potter films. I might when I have finished the final book and my imagination is no longer needed but until then the books are good enough.

Ok, so I am a geek and I do not hide it. I am aiming to have the book finished by Sunday morning!! Its my challenge to myself. I promise I'll keep the ending to myself......for now!

2007-07-12T10:56:00.000Z

Ok, so the blogging about Sex God has gone a bit aray because I got bored. I am fickle. I'm sorry. But anyway, I'm going on holiday later today! Off to Portugal for a week! Woo. It shall be a lot of fun.

2 brief thoughts before I go away:

1. A Quote from C.S Lewis

"Indeed, if we consider...the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the gospels, if would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are far too easily pleased."

I have probably put this in my blog before and so I have and you remember then feel free to skip to the next bit. It just strikes me as such an incredible thought. It reminds me of that story of that man that goes to heaven and gets shown around by St. Peter. They keep coming across these warehouses and the man asked to have a look. St Peter isn't too sure but he gives in and they go have a look. The man discovers boxes and boxes in rows with peoples names. He keeps searching, nosily, thinking that there might be a box for him. He looks and looks and finds his box and before St. Peter can stop him he's pulled of the lid and inside is pages and pages of blessings. He looks up and says' But these things never happened?' St Peter replies, 'You never asked.'

I dont want to get into a debate about the rights and wrongs of this idea or the notion that God has the power to say No- I am aware of all the danger zones. It just seems to me that GOd promises us soo incredibly much. He urges us to believe that He is capable of miracles but so often we talk ourselves out of if. It isn't Gods job. Or its selfish of us. Or it wouldn't work anyway. Why? Why do we suffice with average, trying to carry things ourselves when God could give us the world in a second if we asked and BELIEVED?

2. I had to go to the hospital today. Took Chris with me. He decided to be as embaressing as possible and make everyone around think that I was carrying his baby. You can't take him anywhere!! But begin there made me realise how incredibly created we really are. Ironic i know, amongst bodies that aren't working. But it just blows me away. How does everything know what to do? How does your brain know what muscles make you walk without you having any knowledge of the signals? It just is amazing!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;your works are wonderful, I know that full well."

Sex God - Part 2

2007-06-26T21:30:00.001Z

Sexy on the inside

In this chapter, sex is redefined. Sex is not about the actual physical act of pleasure. It's about connection- the realization of our disconnection and the art of reconnecting.

Bell talks about the Fall-the major disconnection. When we were severed from God and each other. Left wanting. He talks in the next chapter about how the Fall was caused by Lust- and lust always promises what it cannot give. You always are left unfulfilled. We lusted, we decided believe the promises of something other than God and because of that we were disconnected from Him.
And so we try to fix it and take from wherever we can - sex, money, shopping, beauty etc. It doesnt work and we find fault; in each other, in God but more often that not, in ourselves. The disconnection that tears me apart in't from them or Him but from Me. Because I was made to see Him, them in Me.

"You can't be connected to God until you are at peace with who you are. If you're still upset that God gave you this body or this life or this family or these circumstances, you will never be able to connect with God in a healthy, thriving, sustainable sort of way. You'll be at odds with your maker. And if you can't come to terms with who you are and the life you've been given, you'll never be able to accept others and how they were made and the lives they've been given. And until you're at peace with God and those around you, you will continue to struggle with your role on the planet, your part to play in the ongoing creation of the universe. You will continue to struggle and resist and fail to connect...It all starts with being sexy on the inside."

Sex God- Part 1: God wears lipstick

2007-06-26T11:48:00.000Z

Ok, so as I said. I'm re-reading this book. And so often I read things and think about them then those thoughts just get blown away- like sheep in a hurricane. So I am no longer doing that, which means that there may be a tedious amount of blogging about this book. Tough!

Chapter 1: God wears Lipstick- my thoughts

Rob Bell talks about shared humanity, well, what should be a shared humanity that is so often lost beneath labels of colour, gender, class, social groups and any other form of circumstantial exclusion. He makes a connection between earth, hell and heaven. They are all in existance simultaneously, and possibly, all the in the same place. Where we exist, reflecting the image of God and living under his reign- there heaven is. Where we exist denying God's thumbprint in us and ignoring his supremecy- there hell is. We take hell or heaven with us wherever we go, and we have to claim the ground for God, taking heaven where it needs to be.
Bell tells a story of a women, a heaven-bringer who he says 'sees only one label: human and therefore has only one response: love.'

If that is what it takes to stake the land, then i must admit, i have a very small plot!

Catch up

2007-06-18T18:53:00.000Z

sorry, i know i havent blogged in ages. but i havent really had anything to say. so this is just to let you know that i am still alive. at the moment i am doing a work experience placement at SCM publishing- i think i would like to work in publishing when i finish uni so hopefully this will come in handy and teach me alot. i am meant to be spending any spare time reading for my forthcoming dissertation but i havent done any yet- i will start soon. i will start soon. i will start soon. i'm hoping that if i keep telling myself that it might actually work!!

i have read Sex God by Rob Bell recently and i really enjoyed it. i realised that i usually sweep through these kinda books though and dont actually absorb so i'm re-reading it. when i've finished i'll blog about it and let you know what i think.

i'm still here. just rest assured! lol

Tagged

2007-05-28T09:19:00.000Z

I have been tagged:

My Tag: "The planet speeds up as it falls towards the sun, and paradoxically it ends up moving more quickly then it did before."

Here are the rules:
Find the nearest book
Turn to pg 161
Print the complete 5th sentence on the page
Tag 5 others

Well, i dont know who reads my blog and it seems like all romford bloggers have been tagged- so i will tag Sarah and Matt W

Mindful by Mary Oliver

2007-05-26T13:09:00.001Z

I was looking through random blogs and I came across this poem.

Mindful

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less
kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle
in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for
-to look, to listen,
to lose myself
inside this soft world
-to instruct myself
over and over
in joy, and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,
the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary, the common,
the very drab,
the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help
but grow wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light
of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

Day in london

2007-05-23T14:45:00.000Z

I've had a really lovely day today. I've had a week off this week because mum's away so i cant get into Hadleigh so i thought i'd use my time to do something i dont do very often- go into london.

I decided to go and meet dad at st pauls for lunch and then have a wander round covent garden. It was so lovely. Dad and I went and sat out by the river thames and watched all these people jogging by. They must have been so sweaty- i was absolutely boiling and i was just sitting down!! After that i popped on the tube for covent garden- i had completely forgotten about the lifts! I'm not phobic or anything but i'd rather avoid them if i could- but unfortunately i couldnt. So that was probably the most unpleasant experience of the day. I listened to this little string quintet which was really cool and bought some Edward Monkton keyrings- if you havent seen his stuff you should search it out; he is so funny!! Then i sat and ate a youghurt before heading home. It just made me so grateful for all the stuff i have right at my doorstep that i just dont appreciate. The history of the land we walk on. I am a city person and i just think london is so gorgeous. I'm grateful to God for my life, my loves, my family, my town... I truly think that gratitude can dispell a whole lotta evils. I'm grateful.

As is becoming customary- this prayer is for today:

For the expanding grandeur of Creation,

worlds known and unknown,

galaxies beyond galaxies,

filling us with awe and challenging our imaginations:

We give thanks this day.

For this fragile planet earth,

its times and tides, its sunsets and seasons:

We give thanks this day.

For the joy of human life,

its wonders and surprises, its hopes and achievements:

We give thanks this day.

For our human community,

our common past and future hope,

our oneness transcending all separation,

our capacity to work for peace and justice in the midst of hostility and oppression:

We give thanks this day.

For high hopes and noble causes, for faith without fanaticism,

For understanding of views not shared:

We give thanks this day.

For all who have labored and suffered for a fairer world,

who have lived so that others might live in dignity and freedom:

We give thanks this day.

For human liberty and sacred rites;

for opportunities to change and grow, to affirm and choose:

We give thanks this day.

We pray that we may live not by our fears but by our hopes,

not by our words but by our deeds.

o. eugene pickett

prayer for today

2007-05-21T14:17:00.000Z

Found this on Worldprayer.org and thought it was quite relevant for me today so i'm sharing it.

O God!

Refresh and gladden my spirit.

Purify my heart.

Illumine my powers.

I lay all my affairs in Thy hands.

Thou art my Guide and my Refuge.

I will no longer be sorrowful and grieved;

I will be a happy and joyful being.

O God! I will no longer be full of anxiety,

nor will I let trouble harass me.

I will not dwell on the unpleasant things of life.

O God! Thou art more friend to me than I am to myself.

I dedicate myself to Thee, O Lord.

baha'i prayers

God is my refuge

2007-05-21T10:28:00.000Z

Last night was the scariest night of my life, thus far and i pray ever! After the meeting a bunch of us decided to go over to Cotton's park in Romford to chat and for the lads to play football. so thats what we did. At about 9 people started trailing off so left was me, twig, chris, olly, jacob, ash, pete and tom. We started to leave the park and saw a bunch of chav lads waiting at the gates. As we started to pass they started yelling, so we ignored them and walked round to try and find another exit. Jacob saw a hole in the fence so we crept through that, but we were gonna have to walk past them again to get back to the hall- so we crossed the road thinking we would be ok. But they were stilling yelling and shouting and being antagonisitic. The boys turned round to see if everything was ok to see them climbing over the fence to get us- running at us with chains and stuff. Luckily we were right near a pub- opposite the Honda shop. someone yelled 'run in the pub' so we did. i was shaking so much. i was petrified. The blokes in the pub saw us run in and shut all the doors and guarded them. People came and told us to wait it out- it would be ok. I rang my daddy (!!) and got him to come and get me. After about 5-10 mins things had calm down. The landlady said the best thing for it would be to sneak out th exit- well my dad was on his way and so i didnt want to leave and chris wasnt leaving me on our own. So the others were taken out the back down and allyway opposite the brewery- they all ran round that way. My dad came and got me and chris and drove us to the hall. Everyone was safe luckily and it was ok but i have never been so scared. This wasnt a joke. these guys would have actually hurt us- badly. They were high on weed and drink and they were vicious. I am so grateful that pub was there and that we were ok. We were very lucky- or should i say very blessed.

What makes people want to do that? waht makes them think being violent is ok- for absolutely no reason?! What makes them want to threaten innocent people? There brains were addled by all the stuff they had been taking-but would like have been like that anyway?!! Why cant you go to a park and play football and be safe? i just never thought something like that would ever actually happen to me- or be threatened to me. its scary. i just dont feel safe anymore. i want to say i do- that with God i fear no evil, but i'm scared. I was scared. I was just praying over and over again- GOd keep us safe- and he did. But can he always? So many people arent- too many people arent. I know God watches them and me- but maybe my physical safety is up to me. Sorry to be so depressing. just needed to get it off my chest.

2007-05-10T15:07:00.000Z

The Moving Finger writes; and, having writ,

Moves on: nor all your Piety nor Wit

Shall lure it back to cancel half a Line,

Nor all your Tears wash out a Word of it.

the rubaiyat - omar khayyam - 11th century

It has been a few weeks since I last blogged and in that time I have finished university for the year and read God is closer than you think. I have also found this really great website called ‘World Prayers’. It has a selection of different prayers and quotes and stuff from lots of different spiritual people. I really enjoy having a random ‘spin the wheel’ moment and seeing what I can learn. Have a look if you’ve got the time.

But anyway, thought I’d blog about the book. I know many people have read it so I hope I make sense. There’s lots of it that I really liked, mostly I appreciated how John Ortberg wrote in a really down to earth maaner. He actually gives instructions!! I struggle to read spiritual books because I feel like they say good spiritual stuff that means nothing to how I am supposed to live. But he actually suggests things to do rather than offering deep existential opinions!

Anyway, back to the point. In part of the book he’s talking about Job and about how God’s response to Job shows God’s extravagantly good nature. He quotes this:

And when I begin to think about God’s wild extravagance, his wastefulness, his passion for the unnecessary and the excessive and the completely useless, I am struck by a thought so wonderfully freeing I can do nothing but laugh. What if this extravagance extends to me? I am not a soldier for God, or a valued servant in the kingdom. I am a jester! I am the celestial equivalent of a peacock- a tiara- a doll. We are not made to serve God, we are made to charm him.

Now, I don’t exactly agree with how everything in that statement is worded- I want people to know that they are valued and that they can serve God but I really like the idea that I am God’s extravagance. I am the pizzazz. I am the thing that he so wanted even though he didn’t need it. Have you ever gone shopping and seen the perfect thing- for analogies sake say, a bag- and wanted it so much that you calculate in your head what other stuff you could give up just to have that bag? Not because you really need it but because you really want it and it will make you happy. Well, God did that for me. And he ended up giving up something really important because he wanted me that much. I don’t need to strain and force myself into ‘religious’ boxes, fill some quota of perfection and purge myself of all happiness and desire in order to make God smile. He smiles and laughs at me in love all the time. Because he made me so that he could. How freeing is that?!

2007-04-25T13:34:00.000Z

Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,there is a field.

I'll meet you there.

When the soul lies down in that grass,

the world is too full to talk about.

Ideas, language, even the phrase "each other" doesn't make any sense.

mevlana jelaluddin rumi - 13th century

http://www.worldprayers.org

A prayer for my life

2007-04-25T13:30:00.000Z

God, grant me the serenity

to accept the things I cannot change;

the courage to change the things I can;

and the wisdom to know the difference.

Where's your heart at?

2007-04-17T15:42:00.000Z

" The whole point of watchfulness at the door of the heart is that we can choose what we think about. We are not mercilessly victimised by the stream of words, thoughts, images and people that in pours in upon us. In the midst of it all we are free, free to choose. Guarding the door of our hearts may look like something negative but in reality it is wholly postitive, it is total freedom. I am not a slave to my own thoughts or to those of other people;I am not a slave to the television; i can switch it off. I can also switch off the words in my heart, the things my tongue is saying. I can be silent. I am not a slave to this torrent that comes rushing towards me. I can filter it. I can slect. And i am meant to select. We live in a world where we can choose. I can believe in God even if noone else does. I can pray to Jesus at any time, wherever I am, and noone can prevent me from doing so. This is my freedom of religion. God is my master, not all the forces that assail me, trying to make me think as other people think, believe as other people believe, do as other people do."

And God spoke all these words:
"I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of the land of slavery."

"Confident in soldiership"

2007-04-12T13:23:00.000Z

Ok, I am not wanting to offend or to start a huge thing, but I have just read an article in the Salvationist which I want to comment on. It was written by the T.C; “Confident in Soldiership”. I quote only some but still quite a lot. Sorry:

Soldiership needs to be placed high on The Salvation Army’s agenda. The trend of recent decades of loss has been compounded by a seeming lack of will to give soldiership its rightful place….We respect and value adherents but we must also present a respectful challenge; Is there any reason why you cannot become a soldier?

There is one supreme directive for Salvation Army officers in Orders and Regulations: ‘To bring the message of salvation to the unconverted, and to lead and train the soldiery to win souls for the Kingdom.’ Those who think otherwise are a stumbling block to themselves and to the mission God has given us. It is beautiful to behold the strong steadfast, persevering, consistent commitment of the Salvation soldier. How can we be content with mere transient, temporary or topical involvement?

We have to combat the reality that in many situations a few seem to do most of the work. Soldiership is more than nominal membership, or attendance, or a name on a roll.

(Sorry about the colours, couldn’t help myself!) Ok, firstly I would like to point out that I have no qualms with people who chose freely to become soldiers in the spirit of commitment. I have no problems with people who wear uniform and are proud to be members of The Salvation Army. I just want to make that known.

I have probably had this conversation with many of you before so I’m sorry for the re-run. I find it really difficult whenever this topic comes up and I think the problem is my own defensiveness rather than actual opinion. I always feel as though I am being called to defend myself. I first attended the army when I was 6 days old and have attended regularly since. I have been lifted and shifted by the army throughout my life. I have been in singing companies, music schools, drama groups, timbrels, Roots etc. The army has been my spiritual home where I have found a personal relationship with God. Yet, I feel the need to defend my membership. The TC asks If there is any reason not be a soldier- but is there any reason I should?! If I do not feel a calling to this commitment should I do it anyway just because it makes me one of the gang? Does performing an outward action give me more of an inward spiritual grace than not doing it?

My dad has a passion for soldiership and I do respect him for that. As far as I understand, my dad believes soldiership to be a commitment worthy of ownership- you become invested in the work of the army so much that you will do something. You wouldn’t see Ryan Giggs playing without his Man U strip- why would you act out your spirituality in the Army without the ‘strip’? Dad says that every church has an ‘act’ of membership- baptism confirmation etc, but soldiership isn’t like that. It isn’t a one off outward that enables the inward. It’s a continual outward that can evoke pride, exclusiveness and an ‘act’ based church rather than heart based. It can become a front, a face, a marching parade of goodness and glory- but who’s?

Sprituality isn’t about ‘wearing your strip’. I cant agree with him. I think as much as I am an extrovert and I am willing to talk about God a lot- for some reason the idea of making it and ‘outward expression’ makes me cringe. I have never worn a WWJD bracelet, I do not wear a cross, I haven’t made a public declaration of faith (well, once when I was like 7 but I think I’ve grown since then). The idea of standing of front of a load of people and signing a covenant, or getting baptized, or being confirmed or any of those things provokes almost a physical reaction. This isn’t because I don’t value soldiership but because I do. It’s a important, sacred, spiritual step for many people and I would never undermine it as much as to just act it when I didn’t want it. And why should I be made to feel I have to- my commitment to God is my business and mine alone and as much as I accept the value of accountability being antagonized into a ritual doesn’t make me grow spiritually.

The TC also mentions the need for an evangelizing spirit (I paraphrase) or else you are a ‘stumbling block to yourselves and to God’s mission’. What?!! If everyone in a corps was an evangelizer who would be the teacher, disciple, carer? I do want people to know God- of course I do- but I wouldn’t say I went out of my way to make it so. I want people to be happy. With or without God; Christian or non-Christian in any capacity. But to say that makes me a stumbling block to the plan! I really cant explain anymore but that statement annoyed me so much when I read it. I am also slightly offended by the insinuation that because I am not a soldier my commitment is transient- my commitment to what- the army or to God?

Soldiership SHOULD BE more than nominal membership- but all the time the regulations make soldiership an exclusive little club rather than an act of sacrament it won’t be corporately. Individually, maybe. My name is on Gods roll- whether its on the TC’s or not.

hmmm...

2007-04-11T15:47:00.000Z

I have been thinking about how little I know. I know very little about much really. I know enough, but when humans use what, 10% of their brains, what is it that I am capable of doing but that i'm not?

I was also thinking about God. I know that I think about God differently to how most of my friends at home think about God. I feel sometimes like i live on the fringes of the Christian community. like I can't really jump in and claim it as mine because of how I percieve things. But, on the other hand, I don't know if I really need to. It can be rather perplexing (isnt that a good word!) as how in one part of my life my inquistiveness/way of thinking is welcomed and encouraged, expected even. And in the other half, i feel like people are a little scared of me maybe. Its more comfortable if I just shhh really.

I heard this song on klove; i like it.

Steven Curtis Chapman - God Is God
From the album Declaration

And the pain falls like a curtain
On the things I once called certain
And I have to say the words I fear the most
I just don’t know

And the questions without answers
Come and paralyze the dancer
So I stand here on the stage afraid to move
Afraid to fly, oh, but fall I must
On this truth that my life has been formed from the dust

God is God and I am not
I can only see apart of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

And the sky begins to thunder
And I’m filled with awe and wonder
‘Til the only burning question that remains
Is who am I

Can I form a single mountain
Take the stars in hand and count them
Can I even take a breath without God giving it to me
He is first and last before all that has been
Beyond all that will pass

Oh, how great are the riches of His wisdom and knowledge
How unsearchable for to Him and through Him and from Him are all things

God is God and I am not
I can only see apart of the picture He’s painting
God is God and I am man
So I’ll never understand it all
For only God is God

When one door opens...

2007-04-04T15:22:00.000Z

...another slams shut behind you!!

When for a meeting today with a guy at SCM Press; a Theological Publishing House in Islington and i have got myself 4 weeks unpaid work experience in editorial and sales. Which is incredible. its such a good opportunity as i want to work in publishing when i finish uni- so hopefully having some work experience (brief but still experience) will help me get a foot in the door.

Well, this sounds wonderful. "Whats the problem?" i hear you cry. Well, i found out when i got home that the work i thought i had at Hadleigh for the other 12 weeks of the holiday to earn some money is no longer avalible. I was misinformed. So now i'm back to the drawing board, with 4 less weeks to earn money in.

I have worked all the summers i've had at uni because i need the money and this year in no exception so i've got to get a move on and find a job. It might be Tesco's for me this summer! Hopefully someone will employ me! please!

Welcome to the world!!

2007-03-27T13:53:00.000Z

On behalf of Christopher just wanted to let you know that baby Lyra Dawn Goldsmith was born yesterday.

Welcome little Lyra!

Mum and baby are both well apparently. So thats good. All very exciting!

A reactionary point (much like all of modern politics)

2007-03-20T15:54:00.000Z

Right, this blog is actually a response to Dawn’s and the comments written. I hope people don’t mind me using the inspiration. (I would like to make it known as I don’t really know what I am about to say- I roll with the punches of my own instinct- that any ‘aggressive’ response is never personal just passionate).
Anyway, the point was made that to be fully integrated into church we need to go to or be part of more than just congregation and the ‘importance’ of cell groups as part of that.

A quote to start if I may (hope you don’t mind Dawn)

"In order to fully grow as a Christian, you need to be surrounded by like-minded people to learn and develop. Congregation does not allow you to do that to the full extent."

Kirsty developed this point “I think that they run the risk of being 'less effective' Christians unless they have some other spiritual input which is more personal than 'congregation'.”

To be fair to my muses the point was raised that ‘cell’ is not distinctly house group but being involved with friends and in relationships with people who ‘get you’.

First question, why are congregational Christians assumed not be involved?

I feel that human nature is one of judgement. I value myself or rate myself in life over and above or under those examples of people I see. My friendships and relationships develop closely with people who I have a common bond, who share my ideas on spirituality/politics/relationship/all or one of the above. As bloggers all, we share an urge to communicate, to be heard, understood and responded to. This is not a bad thing. We have extroverted natures. (In a Jungian understanding). Not everyone does. Some people are doers. Introverted; they seek to remain out of the limelight. To do what is needed without being praised. They are the unsung heroes that make communities work whilst the praise goes to those who are happy to shout. We don’t ‘know’ them. They are the people who aren’t our best friends. Who don’t go to cell groups and aren’t the ones asked to do the important jobs. Maybe no one asks them to do anything at all. And because we don’t, and because they don’t, we risk assuming that they are somehow behind, lacking, uneffective. As Kirsty pointed out, “I guess this is as much my problem as others in that I don't talk to enough people in church that are not part of my 'intimate group of friends.'” Yet, our lives do not stop and start on Sundays. Christianity is not about congregation or cell. It is helpful, useful. People grow and develop. But surely a nobler faith is that which doesn’t sit around esoterically but lives exoterically. As Rowan Willams says in his book (very good book) Silence and Honey cakes “The soul is not capable of transforming itself… it needs the impossible, unpredictable human beings we encounter daily, in and out of the church. Only in this setting do we become truly holy- in a way entirely unique to each one of us.” Am I loosing you? I'm loosing myself.

I think that my point, in essence, is quite simple really and two fold-
Firstly, don’t assume you know. We rarely do.
Secondly, maybe, just maybe, we have created these cell groups in the first place because our ‘congregation’ was lacking and nobody could think of an easier way to do it. To make congregation into family, where all are valued and are safe, where those who kneel and those who jump are both equally needed and praised, where ‘songs of fellowship’ and the ‘songbook’ are not two sides of civil war, where those who talk about their feelings and those who just live them through are both accepted and recognised for their effectiveness. Maybe doing that was just too hard. Don’t get me wrong, cell isn’t wrong or unfair, or exclusive (well, not theoretically, but people are just people) but it isn’t the be all and end all either. These people that write books on how church should be don’t go to our church. So yes, maybe helpful, but not gospel. Formula’s on how church should be done are a load of *&%£ when push comes to shove.

“We need to recognise the danger of looking for the ideal church community and instead ask how I pledge my body to the Christian community I am actually with…sooner or later you will have to confront the challenge of being pledged to an uncomfortable reality- and how to cope with that inner restlessness which constantly suggests what look like simpler solutions, avoiding the difficult route of changing myself.”

Quiz thingy response!

2007-03-08T16:39:00.000Z

I was reading through my silly quiz thingys again and i thought how odd it is that people (well, me anyway)like to be summed up by someone or something else. We are eager for definition- maybe so we know where to go with our lives or what it is we are meant to do.
I think it was right about me- i am opinionated and intense and that is me and i dont think i would really apoligise for that but i dont want to become someone who most people lean more towards the hate me then love me side! I dont want to become a person that alienates other people in any way. That is and has never been my intention.
I dont want to be defined as that. as much as it may be accurate of some of me, it isnt of all of me. I realise that for all my faults and flaws, i'm 3D and beyond definition. So many of my lecture begin with the words- try and define... and you get in such a muddle. Salvation, antonement, grace, faith, God, love, hope, beauty... all these things that, as Christians, we put our trust in- we cant explain them or define them. they cannot be boxed up and neatly packaged. They cant be made into common sense and logical steps. humans gravitate towards lines and boxes and answers forgetting that the most worthwhile things in life never happen that way. Our minds werent built to understand infinity- but that is what we have been given to deal with. We have to learn to live outside of our definitions; the ones we make for ourselves and the ones we are given. anyway, just a thought.

Quiz Thingy 2

2007-03-08T16:37:00.000Z

Your Brain is Green

Of all the brain types, yours has the most balance.
You are able to see all sides to most problems and are a good problem solver.
You need time to work out your thoughts, but you don't get stuck in bad thinking patterns.

You tend to spend a lot of time thinking about the future, philosophy, and relationships (both personal and intellectual).

I know that these internet test things are stupid but they seem to be quite right about me. Scary!

Quiz thingy

2007-03-08T16:29:00.000Z

Found this- thought it was spookily accurate! what'd you think?

You have the type of personality that people either love or hate.
You're opinionated, dramatic, intense, and very outspoken.
And some people can't get enough of you - they're totally addicted.
Others, well, they wish you were a little more reserved.

Your strength: Your flair

Your weakness: If you think it, you say it

Your power color: Scarlet red

Your power symbol: Inverted triangle

Your power month: March

Smiling Excessively!!

2007-02-14T17:22:00.000Z

I just had the BEST lecture in the world!!!!!!!!!! Too long to explain but very happy indeed. may explain another time!! Origen was a genius!!

Happy valentines day!!

Have we sold ourselves too short?

2007-02-07T17:37:00.000Z

Do you think we forget as a church what we have to offer- or even what we have been given? Do you think 'the church' even cares anymore about we it is we have? or is 'the church' the problem?

Let me start with what sparked my curiosity- from Dietriech Bonhoeffer:

"Cheap grace is the enemy of the church...Cheap grace is not he kind of forgiveness of sinwhich frees us from the toils of sin. Cheap grace is the kind of grace we bestow upon ourselves...Cheap grace is grace without discipleship, without the cross, grace without Jesus Christ living and incarnate"

"Costly grace is the gospel which must be sought again and again. The gift whihch must be asked for, the door at which a man must knock. Such grace is costly because it calls a man to follow, it is grace because it calls us to follow Christ. It is costly because it costs a man his life and it is grace because it gives a man the only true life. Above all, it is costly because it cost God his son."

I sometimes forget why it is that i love God so much and what it is that i have to be grateful for. Do you forget what we have? has 'the church' instituionalised the only free gift we have to offer?

I dont think Christianity is about the 'life to come' but to be blessed in the life we have. As christian aid says- I believe in life before death. God came to give me life in all its fullness. Have i sold my God short on what it is he has to offer?

Augustine's Confessions- some quotes...

2007-02-07T17:31:00.000Z

"Late have i loved you, beauty so old and so new, late have i loved you. "

"When i shall have adhered myself to you with the whole of myself, i shal never have pain and toil and my entire life will be full of you.
You lift up the person you fill. But for the present i am not full of you, i am but a burden to myself.
Alas Lord, have mercy opon me wretch that i am. See, i do not hide my wounds. You are the physician and i the patient. You will more and more increase your gifts in me Lord"

"You cured me in the first place of my lust for self justification to show yourself portitious to all my other iniquities; you heal all my diseases, you redeem my life from corruptions, crown me with compassion and mercy and satisfy my longing for good things"

"I beseech you, my God, show me myself..."

The Penny Drops!

2007-01-22T16:51:00.000Z

You may or may not have gathered that recently i've been finding all the "God Stuff" a bit difficult. To be honest, i think i let theology get the better of me but then, ironically enough, these verses were read it a lecture- it was my Ureka! moment:

Acts 17: 22-28

22Paul then stood up in the meeting of the Areopagus and said: "Men of Athens! I see that in every way you are very religious. 23 For as I walked around and looked carefully at your objects of worship, I even found an altar with this inscription: TO AN UNKNOWN GOD. Now what you worship as something unknown I am going to proclaim to you.
24"The God who made the world and everything in it is the Lord of heaven and earth and does not live in temples built by hands. 25 And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything, because he himself gives all men life and breath and everything else. 26 From one man he made every nation of men, that they should inhabit the whole earth; and he determined the times set for them and the exact places where they should live. 27 God did this so that men would seek him and perhaps reach out for him and find him, though he is not far from each one of us. 28 'For in him we live and move and have our being.' As some of your own poets have said, 'We are his offspring.'

Hope it means as much to you as it did to me!

2007-01-18T16:53:00.000Z

Take me back to the time

When I was maybe eight or nine

And I believed

when jesus walked on waters blue and

If he helped me I could to

If I believed

Before rational analysis and systematic thinking

Robbed me of a sweet simplicity

When wonders and when mysterys

Were far less often silly dreams and

Childhood fantasys

CHORUS: Help me believe 'cause I don't want to miss any miracles

Maybe i'd see Much better by closing my eyes

and I would shed this grown up skin I'm in

To touch an Angels wing

And I would be free

Help me believe

When mustard seeds made mountians move

A burning bush that spoke for you was good enough

when manna fell from heavens high

Just because you told the sky to open up

Am I to wise to recognize that everythin uncertain is certainly a possibility

When logic fails my reasoning and science crushes underneath

The weight of all that is unseen

Help me believe cause i don't want to miss any miracles

Maybe i'd see much better by closing my eyes

and i'd shed this grown up skin i'm in

To touch an Angels wing

And i would be Free

Help me believe

2007-01-11T16:57:00.000Z

This is not gonna be a big blog- more bullet points of thought that i havent developed.

"The word 'cause' is an alter to an unknown god" - a quote i found on a friends blog that got stuck under my skin.Is GOD not THE unknown god? is everything i do laid on that alter- is that where my problem is? God is huge, unknowable by nature, so where do you start?!

www.worldonfire.ca - just something i thought people would like to see

Did you what the catholics refer to as 'religious ecstasy'? stigmata, visions- usually the most painful 'religious' experiences that people know of- its not pain, its ecstasy. we just dont understand it. i dont know why i'm sayin that, it means something i just dont know what yet.

There you go- if you have anything random to say on anything go ahead.

Since this computer works...

2006-12-21T20:55:00.000Z

Blog 1:

My boyfriend. We went to see the film The Holiday the other day and it was brilliant. There’s a woman in it that says this line; “I want a bit of corny in my life!” I think that’s very much like me- I am quite a dreamer and a romantic at heart, I just hide it well underneath opinions and cynicism but I realised after it that I am very lucky. I think it is way too easy to be complacent but I am very blessed. I have a wonderful man who is a genuinely good man. I realised that, for now at least, I have everything I need and everything I want.

Blog 2:

Community. Everyone was commenting on Christmas and what it means and I missed the band wagon but in oxford st. with my girlies the other day after being with them at queen’s I recognised the power Christmas has to bring people together. I love that about Christmas- we come together as a community and I love that feeling.

Blog 3:

'Take a closer walk with me'

Words that spoke to my heart on so many levels...

If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? I don't quite know How to say How I feel Those three words Are said too much They're not enough If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life Let's waste time Chasing cars Around our heads I need your grace To remind me To find my own If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world? Forget what we're told Before we get too old Show me a garden that's bursting into life All that I am All that I ever was Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see I don't know where Confused about how as well Just know that these things will never change for us at all If I lay here If I just lay here Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

from Snow Patrol

2006-12-21T20:53:00.000Z

My blog has been so screwed up. I'm on a different computer now but on mine i can't post. It says that it cant display the page and that it isnt connected to blogger.com...can anyone help?!

An honest account

2006-12-11T20:58:00.000Z

This is a very honest post. I found these lyrics:

Driving away from the wreck of the day
And I'm thinking 'bout calling on Jesus
'Cause love doesn't hurt so I know I'm not falling in love
I'm just falling to pieces

lyrics by anna nalick

Dont panic- i'm not having a big emotional break down or anything, its the first part that caught me. 'Thinking about calling on Jesus'. I think thats my problem- i don't. i am in the process of writing my own doctrines- or i was before finishing uni for christmas. some of you are probably thinking- What?! but i needed to write my own- a list of the things i believe to be true. As a pluralist (again, i hear another gasp) and a person interested in spiritulity, i think that there is more to God then what we know and the way the Bible interprets it- or more the way we interpret the Bible. I am trying to write a deep theological statement on the rights or wrongs of religous pluarlism, biblical interpretation or cherry picking faith. But the truth is, i have made it my life to try and debate God, but how much do i even bother to talk to Him? very little. not because i find it hard but because i cant be bothered. i know its beneficial, i know it means alot, i know it would make my spiritual life better, but recently i just havent bothered. i think part of the problem is that i have opened my mind to the idea of God so much- being so big- that i have lost the personal. i'm not on the brink of a crisis- and whether you agree with my spirituality or not- please believe me when i say that. i'm not looking for a solution because i know what i have to do- just put in a bit of effort. it just feels like hard work to being with. I want to know God so much, i really do, i ache to understand him and have others get what i see God to be- but it just takes so much darned effort. looks like i have some catching up to do!

Ponderings of a bored mind

2006-12-04T17:09:00.000Z

I have just handed in 7 of the 8 essays that are due this semester. i have one more to go but i got an extension on that one so its ok. i have just had a lovely dinner with some friends of mine and it got me thinking about what i have gained from being at university.

I suppose i should first mention the education, which was mainly the reason i came to university. i have learnt an incredible lot- but i think more, i have learnt how to approach the information. i think when studying theology, maybe more so than other subjects, its not about what you learn but how you handle it. I am, always have been and always will be, an opinionated person. i make no apoligies for that, but i do apoligise for the way i share them sometimes. i realise that i can be overly aggressive and i'm dealing with it. i have learnt that when it comes to God, ethics, morality, the bible (add what you wish) that noone thinks the same but what's important is the journey's people go through to get to those opinions. no one has a thought without context or bias. it all means something more and reflects something deeper. some things i will never agree with you on, some things you will never see eye to eye with me, but i appreciate the time you give me to share them, to mull over them and to contradict them again at another time.

Secondly, i have gained incredible friendships with people from completely different walks of life and lifestyles who i would never have become friends with otherwise. And i am truly grateful for all of them. They are what gets me through this uni life- which can often be stressful and sometimes lonely. My housemates are complete gems who i could never live without. i am sure i annoy them sometimes as they annoy me but we know how to get over it and make each other laugh. when to hug and when to run away. living with other people has taught me alot about compromise and being a bit sensitive. uni would not be the same without these people.

Uni has taught me that i can stand up on my own two feet. that i can go some other place where i am completely on my own and make friends and sign contracts and pay bills and do shopping and write essays and handle debates and cook chicken and all those other things. i challenged myself when i began uni that if all i left with was a degree then i had failed because its not just about that. its about so much more. as of friday i am halfway through and that is soo scary!!! i'm almost grown up. But i am soo glad i've done it or doing it. its scary but its worth it!

Bloggin community!!

2006-11-26T12:59:00.000Z

i'm home this weekend and i went to church which is so nice. i dont go to church when i'm at uni if i'm honest. i tried a few but nowhere seemed to fit- maybe i just never gave them enough time. its nice to come home and feel part of a community again- that's what i miss most. but, this past week i have discovered that loadsa people from my church have got blogs! (hello there!!) its so nice to know that we have a little blogging community going on. i ask that you all keep me accountable in some form or another to being true to myself and my God, and if i write that the worlds falling apart give me a cyberslap and i'll move on. its nice to know that even when im away i'm can still be part of it , knowing whats going on.

my stalker

2006-11-23T14:50:00.000Z

I realise now that that probably wouldnt work cos i'm not feeling that happy today. i just did an assessed group presentation and it went so crap. so thats 17.5% of my mark down the drain. maybe i'm just being pessimistic. i read a book once that described depression and loneliness as people that followed you around, they went to your work, ate your food followed you home and slept in your bed. i would like to add another- meloncholy. since i found out my grandpa died last week i just feel meloncholy following me around a bit. everythings muted, like watching a film on a dodgy t.v. i'm sure he'll go as quickly as he came. He'll get bored and move on to his next victim, i wish them luck in shaking him off.

Quote from Dracula

2006-11-23T14:48:00.000Z

"My dear please Almighty God, your life may be all it promises; days full of sunshine, no harsh wind, forgetting duty and no distrust. I cannot wish you no pain, for that could never be, but i do wish that you could be forever as happy as i am now."

Annoyed...again

2006-11-06T14:13:00.000Z

Those of you who know me well enough will understand that i am always annoyed. constantly. there is always something out there somewhere that gets right up my nose. i would be foolish to believe that this is always a good thing, negitivity is not a blessing, but i do believe that maybe God has granted me the dispostition of righteous anger that others maybe just dont have the guts for. Today i am really annoyed but i dont fully understand what it is i'm annoyed at. So i shall begin rambling and i'll get somewhere eventually. I'm annoyed that people of faith rarely truely believe in anything(stark generalisation. i apoligise) i'm annoyed that we are taught that healing is an 'emotional thing' in this day and age rather than anyone ever actually sticking their neck out. I'm annoyed that people feel they need to somehow prove that God exists, or that they are right or that their faith is valid or that they need to understand. and i'm annoyed completely hyprocritically cos i get why people do all at the same time. i wish there was more of God and less of him all at the same time. i wish there was more of GOD truly- more of his passion, love, kindness compassion, amazing all fulfilling spirit- i wish that was everywhere, tangible, in the air so much you could taste it. i so wish that. but i also wish there was less of the god who people make out he is. i wish there was less of this 'religious nonsense'- the arguements, the dogma, the institions. the violence and bigamy all in the name of something that they dont even understand. i'm annoyed at God that he lets this stuff happen that he lets people get away with rubbishing his name- but part of me gets why he needs to as well. because then, everytime someone does get it, someone does understand, he can truly smile. cos they found him despite all the crap. my ranting is over. i'll move own to being annoyed about something else now.

Hindu Trip

2006-10-16T14:31:00.000Z

On saturday i went on a trip to a Hindu Temple in Hemel Hempstead. Its was really cool- and for all those that are interested it was given to them by George Harrison, the Beatle. But anyhow, its was really nice. We went to see their worship, Darshan (well its said like that i doubt thats how its spelt) and we met the people, a few Hindu monks, and they fed us and taught us a bit about what it means to be a Hare Krishna etc etc. I did enjoy myself and the people were lovely but there were elements i struggle with. Take for example Darshan. Darshan is the daily worship in which Hindu's come to the temple to 'see and be seen by God'. That idea i really loved when i heard it, but in practice what it seemed to me to be was a bunch of people looking at a statue. They come round with certain elements as symbols such as fire and water and a flower and offer them to you as an acceptance of the blessings God has for you- that i loved too. The principles of Hinduism really struck me; they strive to respect people and the environment, to consider the consequences of their actions, to see God in everyone and everything and be grateful for that. To use what you have to honour the God who gave it to you- the unlimited, unimaginable, loving God. But in practice it lost its appeal to me. Everythng becomes literal. They worship a statue as the vessel of God ( i have a very limited understanding that therefore if i am wrong pls correct me and take no ofence) and so they treat it like a person, they wake the statue up in the morning, dress it in different clothes, offer it food and drink and close the curtains to put it to bed. i didnt get why that was needed. in a religion in which the principle seem all empowering, to me, the practice seemed to complicate the matter. But it got me thinking about me and my understand of God- do i complicate the matter in order to understand it? have i lost the principle- Love the lord your God with all your heart, all your soul and all your mind and love others as you love youself.

READ NOW: EAT PRAY LOVE

2006-10-04T16:17:00.000Z

just thought i'd let you know that i'm reading this book, again. i think it is great. its all about this womens journey through life and her search for spirituality. it made me question whether or not i really search for God. i do not make the effort. that is a fact. i want to and i wish i was someone who did- which in itself is such a stupid thing to say. i make who i am and i allow myself to be lazy in my quest to find truth. 1 Cor 3:18 says, in a becky paraphase, that we should look into a mirror and see Christ smiling back. That we should be so intune with God that we see him in us, and in turn everywhere. I find it difficult studying the ways that so many people use to 'commune with the divine', so many hard, disciplined and spiritual people strive every day to do something that i take for granted and someone forget is a priviledge. i forget that there is so much of God, i take no time to revel in him and in all that he is. i think thats the problem, i take no time to revel in God, and when GOd is soo awesome, why the hell dont i?! when the people i admire are the people who shine with Godliness, why do i settle for being smudged and dim. i know that God has so much to offer me, i truly need to grasp that. in this book i am reading this women travels all over the world to truly experience God- would i even travel down the road?! i petition God to inspire me and i ask all you to sign it in prayer.

Prayer Request

2006-09-14T11:04:00.000Z

Just thought i'd ask for a favour. My grandpa isnt very well at all at the moment and i wanted to ask for your prayers. Thats bout it really. Thanks

I have a house!!

2006-09-07T11:59:00.000Z

Just to let you all know that i am back at university! woo! And i am living in my own house with my friends Emily and Keasha. Its all very exciting. At first i didnt want to leave my room, i was so used to the halls uni experience i felt a bit guilty for having lots of space but no more! i love it. I will also let you know that i dont have internet in my house so i may be a bit slow with the posting- well i have more of an excuse to be slow now anyway. Oh, does anyone know how to work this blogger beta thing- i want to have a links bit on my template but i dont know how to do it or if i can?! Help!! I have no long and deep theological thoughts at the moment but give me time. i have only had 1 lecture and my brain turned to mush. Biblical interpretation methods in relation to the johannie community! er..what?!! never mind. i'll get there in the end.

Work!!

2006-08-17T08:27:00.000Z

I Hate Work! Work is rubbish. i am so bored of working it is unbelievable! i Hate it! i want to have a holiday. moan moan moan blah blah blah. Sorry for the lack of intellectual stimulation in this blog. my brain has turned to mush- being a dogsbody for 3 and a half months has made me stupid! urgh!

justice and destiny

2006-07-18T11:59:00.000Z

i struggle alot. self inflicted struggle. struggle that comes from big ideals, big ambitions but lack of actually gettin of my (excuse my french) arse and actually doing anything. i know this, i admit this to myself but still i dont change. And i always manage to find an excuse, always the same- i dont know what to do. i dont know where i'm meant to be. i need someone to tell me the way and i'll go and do. is it true or am i just debiliated with fear at the idea of what i could achieve? like nelson mandela said, it is our light that frightens us.
point 2, i really don't know what i am passionate enough about to want to do anything. i am a passionate person. i get involved and i get annoyed and i get dismayed at so many things. i am passionate about everything, so nothing in particular sticks out. i'm passionate about injustice but i just dont think anything will change. i'm passionate about the fact that there is a generation, more women i feel, without self respect, self worth and dignity, who go by day to day expecting someone else to give them the confidence they need without ever realising that they are wonderful the way they are. i am passionate about the fact that everyday people who are different in any shape or form are marginalised or ignored. the world doesnt know how to deal with it or who to blame and so the buck stops with 'the other'. i am passionate that knowledge is the key to the solutions, that knowledge in so many senses of the word. i am passionate about the fact that God is GOD and that blows my mind. but with all that, where do you go and what do you do?

question 1

2006-07-18T11:58:00.000Z

"The Salvation Army has become the jack of all trades but the master of none." Discuss

Sermon Reactions: Be the salt and the light!

2006-07-03T18:58:00.000Z

But tell me how?! The issue is not our capability but our passion. And lack of passion is not always due to lack of caring, compassion or willingness, its just lack of knowing how and lack of encouragement. To become a church that doesnt all those things brilliant inspirational churches are doing we need to become a brilliant inspiration people. Yet, everyone stands on a platform and tells us what we are meant to be without ever praising us for what we are! We have; we were created with the capacity to achieve greatness, but behind every great acheiver is a great support network. We won't achieve this overnight; this ideal of discipleship and we weren't all meant to be the same. The problem is, in my opinion, that there is a lack of opportunity for growth in churches, finding a place and a job. But then it all comes in swings and roundabouts because who's job is it to find us a place; ours or our leaders? If its ours then how do we go about doing this? if it theres well then who says they know what we're meant to be doing anyway?! its all so confusing. i love theology- the endless questions with no answers. but when it comes to practical christain living, i hate the fact that there isnt just an answer and noone really can tell us what to do directly- one word answers straight to the point- the bible is our guidebook, and without tryin to be blasphemous or offensive, it can sometimes read a bit vague!! if i am wrong and someone , anyone reading this knows my purpose and the job i'm meant to be doing i'd be awfully grateful if you could let me know! thanks!

oh dear oh dear

2006-06-27T13:58:00.000Z

i have had to pay to have my eyes tested today for the first time ever. and the only reason why i had to pay is because nobody told me i had to have a form, which is very simple to fill in and i can now send off my reciept with my form and get it paid back. i'm not really that bothered to be honest but it just seems like so much hassle. and, in being at the opticians i got talking about glasses and lenses and that and did you know, that the lenses on their own, without the frames can cos £125!! what!! it seems such a rip off-people need to see. and all these companies are making hundreds of pounds in profit over a vital piece of equipment. i swear, soon people will bottle the earths oxygen and charge us to breathe. Also, i'm sorry to ruin the cheery mood i have here but i saw something the other day that made me want to cry. free chlamidiya testing at boots and ADVERTS for the morning after pill on the radio! what does that say about us? about our life and our morals when high street stores are giving out std tests with their meal deals and you can be informed of the choice of morning after pills whilst listening to breakfast radio. isn't that just so sad. oh dear. its all gone horribly wrong.

About 1 in 10 sexually active young people have chlamydia.
The proportion of women obtaining the ’morning after pill’ from increased from 21 per cent in 2001/02 to 38 per cent in 2003/04. Over the same period, the proportion of women experiencing problems obtaining the ’morning after pill’ fell from 13 per cent to four per cent.
Since 1995, there has been a sustained increase in diagnoses of most Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) in the UK, and reports of two of the most common STDs have shown massive rises. Cases of uncomplicated gonorrhoea increased by 111% between 1995 and 2004, while genital chlamydia increased by 223%.
One of every 3 girls has had sex by age 16 and 2 out of 3 by age 18. Two of 3 boys have had sex by age 18.

He said...

2006-06-14T19:33:00.000Z

why? why do you listen to them?

when i told you that you're worth so much to me that i'd kill my only son for you, why listen?

E.R inspiration!

2006-05-17T16:07:00.000Z

i havent blogged for a little while and i havent actually done much. well, i lie. i have done 2 exams, finished my first year at uni and moved out of halls and spent a weekend in portugal. The latter was very fun and hot, the first was slight sad- 3 and a half months till i'm back with all my friendly's again but never mind. i'm working all summer to keep me busy. but anyway, amongst all this nothingness stuff i have had 2 deep insights. i know, i here you oooo-ing in my general direction. Firstly, i was watchin E.R. great programme. unless you dont watch it, i'll fill you in on a guy called Carter- who has, for the last few series actually been spending most of his life in different parts of Africa doing charity medical work etc. it strikes me that the writers of this programme are trying to make a point. tryin to show us that something can and should be done. but this is what i thought- please go with me. 'i dont understand why all this stuff happens. i dont understand how people live in such extreme poverty. but maybe i'm not meant to. maybe there aren't any answers. maybe i'm aksin the wrong questions. maybe i'm spending too much time asking and answering that i am failing to do what is actually needed- action!'. i do nothing. and its shameful. i know what needs to be done, and me of all people (my dad works for emergency and disaster releif) should know that ordinary peopl can and should make a difference. but i dont. and its selfish. and the reason i dont is laziness. because it all seems like too much effort for reward that in reality i will never see or feel. i want to help, no, more i want to know i've helped but it actually means gettin off my arse and doin it rather than questioning it. i am determined to act.
my second insight: everything, absolutely everthing i have seen recently (ie problems in society, relationships, the universe!) are due to lack of self respect. self respect leads people to slef worth therefore in valuing themselves they teach others that they are of value. if people valued themselves we would have no abusive relationships, no people forced into sitations they dont like so they end up 'freeing' themselves with drugs and alcohol, we would have no petty crimes and vandalism. people would want to achieve somethin with their lives because they deserve to achieve something with their lives. i am going to work hard and do the best i can do because i owe it to myself to do that. if everything had that same self respect the world would be a better place. wot you think?

ROOTS

2006-05-03T13:52:00.000Z

So, i've had a very eventful weekend. i went away to Roots with the Sally Army and it was very cool. i shall explain, follow me...

We, we being Rachel, Chris, Paul and myself, travelled for 7 hours(!!!) in Rachel's car to get to Southport. By the time we arrived i was gettin slightly stressed because i hate to be late and it was 6 o'clock and we still were'nt registered at our accomodation! urgh! But after all the faffing around we ended up at the BIG Top- which is, as the name suggests, very big. and full of people and we were all worshipping and singing and shouting our praises to God and it was amazing. love that. i love being surrounded by people as far as you can see all worshipping God- it does my heart good, as my mum would say. So, that was Friday, and Saturday and Sunday and Monday were much the same. ( you may be able to decipher at this point that i have realised that informing you of everything will take a very long time so yeah, i'm not doing that anymore) In the mornings we went to see Jeff Lucas lead us in a Bible study which was brilliant. He's a very funny man, which makes it easier to listen but he also has been blessed with a great insight into the Word so i learnt a lot. In the afternoons we went to the fun fair- twice. Well, the second time me and rach left to go home and have a snooze because it was flipping cold!!! There was one thing which i heard that i want to tell you about. on the sunday night, a lady called Danielle Strickland spoke and she was very encouraging. Her message was made of many parts and she said many things which struck my heart, but at most it was this " Humility is believing you are who God says you are". that struck me, personally i think, because i spend so much time trying to pretend that i'm not this or that, for example, that i'm not a natural leader, that i'm not interested in the Bible, that i dont know anything about the Word, pretending that i dont really have an opinion, when i do. a Big one. I just dont want anyone else to think that i'm being arrogant being open about the gifts i have. there are many gifts i dont have and many things i wish i could do that i cant and i spend more time telling people that than being open about what i can do- just in case i offend. i cant be anyone but who i am. and i am not ashamed of who i am. so thats it. i am not longer going to pretend that i dont know anything, that i dont have the ability to lead and that i dont have the gifts that i have so graciously be given. BECAUSE I DO!

oh, ps. about that whole meditating/prayer thing i wrote about before. i'm not doing brilliantly. i have started meditating- not as often i as would like but i forget. i focus on a sanskirt word which means 'that within that' kind of like, which i take to mean God within me- a divine dwelling. i dont think my mother likes it though. She's under the impression that if its not directly Biblical then it could become demonic. i disagree, cos God's God isnt he? And being prostate in prayer- i havent actually tried it yet because i always pray in bed and so by the time i get in bed and then think- oh no, supposed to be on the floor, im just to comfy. i will though- even if only once. i will.

discovering me!

2006-04-25T13:34:00.000Z

this weekend i went away with the army to a Discovery Weekend. basically, a group of young adults from around london north east army met up to be led and taught about how to discover our purpose. to be honest, i found it rather frustrating. it was a great weekend. i enjoyed the teaching and more, the fellowship. i think i made some really positive relationship, but when it comes to discovering my purpose i want to go urgh!! what have i been tryin to do for the last 3 years!! please dont misunderstand me, i appreaciate the time and effort people invest in me to help me, but i just wish that if someone knew, they would sit down and tell me what to do. i'm not getting very far trying to discover it on my own. i know that thats the whole point. its a journey, its about getting there on your own- but how long does that take? i trust God. i know that there is a plan. i know that i'm going the right way- i just wish i knew where that was. i think i'm my own worst enemy. i think. alot. i start a log flume of thoughts and if i dont like where its heading i cant just stop and get off. i have to go with it. i got wondering if there is anything left to do. are all the resources used up now. is it all just the same method. flogging a dead horse. but then again, the message has been the same for 2000 years- whats wrong with things being the same. but then, where do i fit. if i'm made to be unique to have an individual relationship with God then surely i should push some boundaries. but i feel like the world is an arena surrounding me. the boundaries are set. the land's been used up. theres no where left to go. but maybe thats the point, its about new men not new methods. you see why i have a confused face?!?! i dont know. i'll get there some day.. the splash that marks the end of the track. the final discovery. drenched with potential.

musical genius

2006-04-20T15:43:00.000Z

i bought two of Nichole Nordeman's albumns today; Wide Eyed and Brave. Her songs are so intelligently written and envoke so much. They have meaning and intent not just musicality.

But anyway, in the words of Nichole, here is me, today. Split personality.

Thanks

Hello, Mr. Darkcloud
Never thought that we would meet so soon
Never thought I'd bundle up in June
Funny how the fog rolls
Funnier that I'd know who to blame
Never thought I'd have to own this pain
If all that's good and true comes from heaven
Then what's a girl to do when it rains?

Chorus
And I'm sayin Why, why, why, why?
I'm shakin a fist in the dark, and Im askin
Why, why, why, why?
Why does it keep getting harder
To say thanks? Tell me what's a girl to do...

Even fields of flowers
Dressing in their best because of You
Knowing they are blessed to be in bloom
But what about November
When the air is cold and wet winds blow
Do they understand why they cant grow?

And I could not pretend to know the difference
Between the storms You send and those I find

Anyway

Bless the day
This restoration is complete
Dirty dusty something must be underneath
So I scrape and I scuff
Though it's never quite enough
I'm starting to see me finally

A gallery of paintings new and paintings old
I guess it's no surprise that I'm no Michael angelo
Every layer of mine hides a lovely design
It might take a little patience
It might take a little time

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway

You who have begun this work will someday see
A portrait of the holiness you meant for me
So I polish and shine
til it's easier to find even an outline of mine

But you called me beautiful
When you saw my shame
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway
Anyway
And you placed me on the wall
Anyway

walk away

2006-04-19T12:29:00.000Z

i'm tired of struggling to make things work. i'm tired of being the one who always apoligises. i'm tired of being the one the one that has to forget it and move on. i'm tired of being the one who's ignored. i'm tired of being the one who isn't valued and is made to feel crap and tired to being the one its ok to do that to. i'm sick and tired of being walked over and i'm sick and tired. sometimes you have to realise that fighting wont get you anywhere and just walk away. power. power games hurt and damage. just remove yourself. take yourself away from it. no one can play games with you if your not in the same court.

enlightenment

2006-04-13T16:32:00.000Z

i have decided that i am lackin spiritual enlightenment. there are so many paths of spirituality and i know and have experienced so few. i wish i could just travel the globe to see and experience everything! i want to KNOW God, not intellectually but in a way of wisdom, so my blood is alive with Him. Always. not a quick fix one week spirituality course. i want to align my character so people cannot see where i end and God begins. i want spiritual depth. i hunger for spiritual depths. i find myself ashamed at how much i judge myself by worldly standards or fail to see opportunities for what they are. i get trapped by the mundane and miss the eternal. i crave to know more but i just dont know where to start. but i have decided upon two disciplines which i am going to master- meditation and prostrate in prayer. i want to experience a light which shines when i dont even realise it. i want to glow eternally.

long time no share

2006-04-10T20:35:00.000Z

its been an awful long time since i blogged and so i suppose i should have alot of share but i'm afraid that i dont actually. So, since i have last written it has been my birthday and i have left university for the Easter holidays. Firstly, birthday-ness. it was my birthday on the 30th and i was still at uni and mum and dad came down to stay and take me home. it felt really wierd, it didn't feel like my birthday. it felt like a day with random presents but that was cool. then on the friday i went shopping!! woo! i have never spent so much money in one go but i got a few nice outfits and accessories and such like and that was nice. it feels good to get stuff, which probably is a spiritual down fall or something but never mind. i can't lie. Since then i have been at home. In the evenings i have been doing very little, during the day i have been at work. i work in the tea rooms of Hadleigh Training Centre which is cool. that has been good but because i have been working i haven't got the essays done that i wanted to and that gets me slightly stressed but i'm getting there so its ok. i haven't read my bible as much since i've been home but i still have and i still feel like the lines of communication are open so thats cool. what i have done that is interested though is read. i have read, or am reading 2 books. Firstly, my sister's keeper. absolutely flipping marvelous! about a young girl, scientifically modified in the womb to be a bone marrow donor for her sister, who after years of donation decides to sue her parents for her own body. it sounds silly and yoou are probably thinking, what can you get from reading that?! but it really made me think about young people. about how much they care. about how resisiant we are when we don't even realise it. we need to be like that. we need to love people, despite our fear. we will bounce back. we were made resiliant! the second i have only just started reading; eat, pray, love. it is about a women's search for spiriutual enlightenment. it makes me jealous. my addictive emotion so i am going to try and distance myself. i realise my jealousy only ever leads me to self doubt, but anyway. this women ends up on such a journey, literally around the world, to discover her spirituality. i wish i could do that. i wish i could discover the depths of my belief. experience every kind of prayer and kind of spirituality. but i know i could do that forever and end up not meeting anyone, not affected anyone. being a wasted ranch in God's tool box. i don't want that. i want to be useful. i still wished i knew what i was meant to be doing usefully though! never mind. all in good time my friend. all in good time.

Not perfect just....

2006-03-28T09:41:00.000Z

normal, i think. i went home this weekend and i realised how blessed i am to have the family and friends that i do. i rang my friend jude and she came round and spent a night at mine, which was very fun! and i went to my church in romford. it was good. there's a lot about romford which isn't perfect and could do with changing, but you'll never have a perfect church until you have perfect people. it's the people that make the place, and i love the people there. no doubt about it; that is where i'm meant to be. things are moving forward and i can see that. i wish i played more of a part in that, but being at university in another part of the country is a bit of a hindrance. never mind, maybe one day. who knows what the plan is!

ha!

2006-03-22T19:06:00.000Z

God works in mysterious ways! that's all i feel at the moment. simply glad that somewhere God has a plan. he spends his days laughing at my foolishness. but thats ok. his routing for me anyway. mysterious man indeed.

original masterpiece

2006-03-21T23:41:00.000Z

i know i've said it before, but i shall say it again. its nice to have friends; to feel as though you have made a connect with somebody. the last few days i've had have been really positive, and all because of the experiences i've had with people. i feel like i've made some really good connections here. i don't want to lose that. i feel truly blessed. i know true friendships aren't based upon one conversation but a lifetime of experiences, but they all have to start with something. i just hope that people feel the same way. i hope people go away feeling they have gained positivity from me, feeling like we've made a connection. i'm starting to think negatively now... but i shall challenge illogical thoughts! people wouldn't talk to me and spend time in conversation with me unless they wanted to talk to me! that would be illogical! i just have to trust in myself. people do like me for me and thats nice. as someone i would count a friend said to me today, you were created an original, dont die a copy!

feeling positive

2006-03-16T14:04:00.000Z

well i've had a really good week after last weeks turmoil. i have decided to think positively- to make a choice to dispel negtive thoughts and challenge illogical ones! i bought myself a new bible which i've been reading and i have found it really helpful to be able to study the word. not just read it. when i can wrestle with it intellectually and see how it truly applies, it makes reading it a much more enjoyable experience. something i want to do rather than something i feel i should do. i have realised that sometimes one sentence that could easily go unnoticed makes all the difference if you really look at it. i've got quite alot of work done as well which helps me to feel less useless. i have realised that time is precious. the more i sit around acheiving very little, the more purposeless i feel. i must keep busy and active. making my moments count.
i have also had a very cool day in london! see above. last saturday i went for a trip to see all the things you usually dont see! i went to Buckingham palace, big ben, leceister sq, covent garden, st pauls and the tate modern!! which i have to say i thought was a load of rubbish. i did see a few pieces which i thought were plesant to look at but hardly anything struck me as being particulary artistic. its silly. but i suppose its not my opinion that counts. "art" will continue!

a burden shared is a burden halved

2006-03-07T23:56:00.000Z

its late and its been an emotional exhausting day in a way. i have realised that i am very screwed up in a lot of ways but that i also have a lot of people that care, so i can't be that bad really!
i have discovered (and i am saying this because i do not think i am the only one and i'm sure someone will relate) that criticising and undervaluing oneself, is an addictive self harm. one that i am far to aware of. i think it becomes to easy to compare yourself with someone else and to dwell on the faults and cracks that you find in your personality. it becomes an addiction, a complusion, a self harm technique that you know is wrong but you just can't help but push further. it absorbs you, until there is nothing left of you except what you hope and feel you are expected to be. i think i got to that stage.
but now i have spoken to my good friend, label her K, and she has told me that its ok. i feel that now my little obsession is out in the open i can be released of it. i don't have to worry- someone else can worry for me. i don't need to bother to be paranoid and i don't need to compare myself, and even though i still will, someone will be there to say "no, stop that, you don't need to do that beck"
i am realistic, i know that rome wasn't built in a day. i know that overnight i won't become a super confident woman with no insecurities. i won't not compare myself to someone else tomorrow. i won't not say something and worry that i sounded rude/stupid/arrogant/selfish/attention seeking/morbid or mean. it just won't happen. but i'll do it, and i'll think it and then i'll see K and she'll just say, what you worrying about, i love you and then i'll ring chris and he'll say, you don't need to be someone else, i love you. and i may just feel special enough to be me. and that'll be good.

when the music plays

2006-03-06T22:37:00.000Z

i found a song today that explains everything that i have been feeling. nichole nordeman is a woman who has written many a word that seemd to come directly from my soul and this song is no different.. what if..

What if you're right?And he was just another nice
guy
What if you're right?What if it's true?
They say the cross will only make a fool of you
And what if it's true?

What if he takes his place in history
With all the prophets and the kings
Who taught us love and came in peace
But then the story ends
What then?

But what if you're wrong? What if there's
more?
What if there's hope you never dreamed of hoping
for?
What if you jump? And just close your eyes?
What if the arms that catch you, catch you by
surprise?
What if He's more than enough?
What if it's love?

What if you dig way down deeper than your simple-minded
friends
What if you dig?
What if you find a thousand more unanswered questions
down inside
That's all you find?

What if you pick apart the logic
And begin to poke the holes
What if the crown of thorns is no more than folklore that
must be told and retold?
You've been running as fast as you can
you've been looking for a place you can land for so long
But what if you're wrong?

i have to admit that recently i have been listening to alot of christian music and it has helped. i think even in a subliminal way my attitudes have changed when i didnt even think i was listening. i think i just need to trust... the truth is i can't be sure i'm right, i can't be sure that others are wrong. i just don't know. but i have felt God and i have felt love, and i do trust that. and never mind if thats my God or 'theres'. it was God, and to him i give praise, whether he is who i expect or not. if he loves me, then i'll be ok. of that i am sure, he loves me.

home is where the heart is

2006-03-05T10:59:00.000Z

i'm missing home a little today. i haven't been to the army this morning, i just haven't made any connections there. i realise now why church communities are so vitally important; without them it's hard to keep motivated. i have so much work that i need to do today and get on with. i'm kind of disappointed with myself, i think i am going to get rubbish marks this semester. i know it's my own fault, i haven't made the effort but nothing has really interested me to be honest and so i find it hard to keep my concentration. plus, i really am not sure about how to start or present a "case study" so i think i'm a bit screwed. I still have lots of time, like 6 weeks so lets just hope i get it done ok. no panicking, lots of working.

the living stone

2006-03-02T14:53:00.000Z

i've been reading the blogs of some people i know and they all seem to be very smart and deep and they use long and intellectual words to explain themselves and i feel stupid. again, i raise the point to myself that comparison only ever leads to devaluing oneself. but i can't help it. i am a complusive compare-er.

but then i read this:

"the workmen took one look and threw it out; God set it in the place of honour"

1 peter 2:4

i realise that although i already knew that comparison was useless, i never really got to the core of why. comparison is not useless because it only leads to us feeling worthless (although that is true) or because we have to recognise we are individuals (although that is true also), comparison is useless and destructive because it undermines the very truth of the thing i believe in; that God loves me. if i truly value that statement and belief it whole heartedly, then making myself feel bad because i am not like someone else is an insult. God does not and has never wanted me to be like someone less, and whether the world would prefer me thinner, prettier, more intelligent and motivated etc is fine, but God doesn't. the workmen of the world might look at me and throw me on the proverbial scrapheap, but God loves me, and thats all that counts.

i have found the reasoning...

2006-03-02T10:50:00.000Z

i was sitting on the bus thinking through my predicament and getting annoyed, once again, by the damn fundamentalism of some people. no, not even fundamentalsim, that entails so much more. the ignorance of people who refuse to understand the beliefs of other people for its own merits. these are the people who are more than willing to pick apart and dismiss the seeming flaws of other faiths yet would by no means do so to their own. its hypocrisy disguised as fundamentalism!

anyway, getting back to the issue at hand- it is this very distain for "fundamentalism" that has led me into this situation. i thought that i was very prepared for doing this degree. i knew that no one could make me think that there was no God. i thought i was safe. but now i'm faced with the issue, what if there is a God, but we're worshipping the "wrong one"? what if "they" got it right and we are the ones dragging behind? i have always been pluralistic in my thinking and the idea that those of other faiths got into my idea of heaven was always fine by me, but what happens if its not "them" getting let in with me, but me being let in with "them"! if you think about that for too long it turns your head inside out.

i am as sure now as i have always been that there is a God, but i find myself unsure as to whether Christianity has got it right. therein is where the problems lies.